Lint-crusted dried apricot Donald Trump spoke tonight in New Hampshire, offering details of his tax plan, a pledge to deploy Carl Icahn to do pretty much whatever the hell he wants over in China, and his assessment of the long-standing relationship of fellow candidates Marco Rubio and Jeb Bush:
Granted, this isn’t exactly Marco Rubio’s fault. No matter how old you are, if you’re going to run out for a pass, you should probably at least be able to prevent it from hitting you in the face. That said, “eager young kid unable to come through on the big stage” is a decent metaphor for Rubio’s career in national politics.
Yesterday, Marco Rubio went on national television to reaffirm his awful anti-abortion beliefs to the public. And of course, to confirm that humans are not, in fact, cats.
A lot of people in the United States don't know anything about soon-to-be ex-senator Marco Rubio of Florida, which means he theoretically still has a chance to be president, the same way the Philadelphia Phillies can still theoretically win this year's pennant. It will not last, and it will never have been realistic.
President Obama showed his true colors in an interview on Today Wednesday morning, when host Savannah Guthrie asked if he had been aware that two normal, average American citizens named Beyoncé and Jay-Z were planning a visit to Cuba before the trip occurred.
BuzzFeed, your go-to source for lists of animals, snuff videos, and racial superiority propaganda, has posted a fascinating new political story about the persistent personal rumors dogging Sen. Marco Rubio. Well, "about" might not be the right word. The story, by McKay Coppins, is premised on the existence of the rumors, and clearly relies on reporting and interviews during which the rumors were discussed. The only thing missing is the rumors themselves, because, Hey, BuzzFeed doesn't traffic in rumors!
Excuse me, miss: did you really engage in cultural exchange with the Cuban people? Florida Senator Marco Rubio is ringing the alarm over Beyoncé and Jay-Z's fifth-anniversary trip to Cuba last week, which he claims was "seized on for propaganda purposes" by the Castro regime. The brief vacation was apparently given the green light by the Treasury Department, which licenses trips to Cuba for "educational exchange activities that will result in meaningful interaction"; according to the New York Times, the crazy-in-love couple "visited the children's theater group La Colmenita, where Beyoncé danced with little girls dressed as bumblebees," and Beyoncé, apparently feelin' it, "half-danced" during a performance by the Cuban Contemporary Dance Company on Friday, which would seem to qualify (if she were a boy she might have, as her husband did, enjoy "a Cuban cigar on the balcony of their government-owned hotel, the Saratoga"). According to Academic Arrangements Abroad, which planned and arranged the trip, the officials that run this town (well really, who run the world of Cuba) had no foreknowledge of the vacation and "struggled to provide adequate security" (What? Who? we imagine them saying), but worked it out—and got Beyoncé bodies to protect her—in the end. "If interested in what life really like in #Cuba @S_C_," Rubio tweeted, "should have visited persecuted rapper #AngelYunierRemon #99problems&dictatorsareone." Listen, Marco: I know you have sweet dreams of showing Jay-Z and his naughty girl what you got, and I get that it's a hard knock life for politicians representing Cuban exiles—can't knock the hustle for Florida Senators—but surely you can work it out without resorting to bad puns based on Jay-Z and Beyoncé tracks? It's like you're making the songs cry. Move on to the next one. [Reuters | TPM | NYT]
As of this writing, Rand Paul's filibuster protesting potential legal drone assassinations on American soil was entering its eleventh hour. In addition to support across Twitter as well as lots of concern about when/how Paul's going to the bathroom, the filibuster featured a memorable moment from the Republican Party's number one rap fan, Marco Rubio. As the the filibuster's resident wannabe Afrika Bambaataa scholar, Rubio peppered his speech with references to "modern day poet" Wiz Khalifa, Jay-Z, and the "I'm going to make him an offer he can't refuse" scene in The Godfather. Let's hope this filibuster never ends.
Marco Rubio's infamous and awkward sip of water was, as we predicted, the only thing anyone remembered from his State of the Union response. But as it turns out, Rubio's case of dry mouth made for good business. Reclaim America, Rubio's hilariously named political action committee, has sold over 4,000 Rubio water bottles in the past week. At the reasonable price of $25 (or, if you're feeling generous, even more!) per bottle, the gimmick helped the PAC raise $119,200 as of Monday morning.
Last night, Sen. Marco Rubio (R-Fla.) got cottonmouthed, wiped and licked his lips and finally interrupted his delivery of the GOP response to the State of the Union to bend over and drink some water. By now, you've read someone explaining why this proves Rubio is not presidential material. Or is. Whatever.
No one will remember a single word from Sen. Marco Rubio's response to the State of the Union last night, lost as they were inside his desert mouth cave. When we think back on Rubio's words, we will hear instead the collective sound of a big group of people smiling at once, or someone eating a banana inside your ear.
