Xtina used to call Kelly fat, and now Kelly is getting her revenge. Marc Anthony begs to get J.Lo back. Nicki Minaj has a nip slip. Kate Bosworth has turquoise hair. Nicole Richie makes fat jokes about Jessica Simpson. TGIFriday gossip.
Upon noticing that adoption hobbyists Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie appear to have been afflicted with an acute case of wanderlust, a concerned Page Six contacted "psychotherapist/social worker Puja Hall" for her expert thoughts on how their failure to plant firm roots could lead to developmental problems for their pancultural brood:
One set of celebrity children who will likely never stare back at you from underneath a magazine headline reading HELP! is Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's multicultural brood—unless, of course, the story in question seeks to expose how the doting parents are suffocating their orphan collection with too much love. The new issue of Life & Style boasts 10! pages! of exclusive! pics of the weekend-long celebration of Maddox's sixth year, which no less a source than Brad himself is said to have declared the tyke's "best birthday ever."
Today's Page Six weighs in on the trend of creeping anti-Jolieism currently sweeping the celebrity weeklies, who have quietly banded together to destroy the orphan-collecting actress for her selfish choice of hated rival People for all of her self-glorification needs. The relentless quest to punish Jolie for giving all the cutest, officially sanctioned photographs of her family to People reportedly has left her children vulnerable to tabloid attacks, even at the presumably safe haven of on-lot day care services:
According to Vietnamese adoption officials who wished to remain anonymous for fear their violation of the International Celebrity Baby-Brokering Association's code of silence would earn them a punitive transfer to a much less fashionable Eastern European outpost stocked entirely with unpopular Caucasian children, Angelina Jolie's latest family-building mission is nearly complete, with the orphan-hoarding actress set to participate in an adoption ceremony—which may or may not include the sacred, ritualistic handover of a briefcase containing two million dollars in unmarked American currency—on Thursday morning. As a busy Brad Pitt was unable to make the journey to pick up the child the couple scouted back on a Thanksgiving window-shopping trip to the Tam Binh orphanage, he's fully authorized son Maddox (pictured above) to choose a different new brother if the one they'd previously hand-selected "got all weird or ugly or whatever" since his late November examination.
Because young Maddox Jolie did such a good job helping his adoptive mother pick out his new sister during their trip to Ethiopia last year, the tyke was allowed to accompany Mom on her latest refugee-acquisition excursion to New Delhi, where this season's hottest orphans from Myanmar and Afghanistan were on display. Little Maddie wanted to take home nearly every child the duo encountered, but Angelina patiently explained that they could add only one sibling to their family this time, because multiple adoptions would seem greedy and unnecessarily divide the attention of the tabloid press. In the end, Maddox couldn't settle on a single baby that met his mother's demanding refugee-coordinating criteria, so the Jolies left the Indian capital without further expanding her multicultural brood, hoping to have better luck on their next expedition.
· Without the benefit of paparazzi-eating lions to devour their camera-toting tormenters, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie now has to rely on Malibu's Finest to keep their family safe from unauthorized photography.
· If Paris Hilton wore underwear, hers would burst into flames and singe her ladyparts: "I've never danced on a table in my life."
· Every time a pair of celebrities announces they're divorcing, the baby Jesus poops his swaddling clothes.
· Courtney Love says that both Coke and a sexual lubricant company are all horny for a chance to use Nirvana songs in their commercials.
· This Fark Photoshop contest will scare you shitless, we can promise you that, though we fear that even linking to it will subject us to a lifetime of baby-rape suspicion. The 04:16:54 PM entry is a particularly soul-chilling vision of this alternate reality that we'd like to forget as soon as possible.
Perhaps finding the process of biological birth too frightening and physically taxing, Angelina Jolie has announced that the next addition to her multicultural brood will once again come via adoption. But while her earlier selections of Cambodian and Ethiopian refugees were clearly impulse buys made during her many missions of peace as a goodwill ambassador for the U.N., she and Brad Pitt will put greater care into their next choice:
We're a little bit surprised that a member of the usually profoundly vicious British tabloid press would waste its time fawning over Brad Pitt's parenting skills, but News of the World did just that, praising Pitt for being "completely at ease" with "no awkwardness" while helping adopted son Maddox pilot a radio-controlled car in Paris recently (pictured above). Have they already forgotten last summer, when an eager, attentive Pitt was introducing his little buddy to the exciting world of extreme sports in a pretty transparent attempt to impress Maddox's mom? Now that the thrill of humiliating ex-wife Jennifer Aniston has faded and given way to mundane trips to the park and having to pretend to care about totally boring economic forum bullshit, Pitt could already be disillusioned with his role as family man and might looking for an exit strategy. Unless Pitt perks up and enthusiastically offers to renew his bond with Maddox by taking him out to learn how to hunt Parisians for sport, Jolie might be wise to keep a set of emergency dehyphenation papers handy.
A first viewing of this Maddox Jolie tattoo, inspired by the pic at left and inked onto the forearm of some guy in Texas, resulted in a queasy feeling that an A-list child abduction was about to go down. However, we quickly realized that this is not a mere ransom note that will need to be lasered off before a kidnapping trial, but a celebration of our society's foremost celebrity refugee and his infectious let-the-good-times-roll, sure-my-mom-is-nuts- but-I-still-like-the-fucking-mohawk-OK? attitude. Soon, this image of young Maddox will supplant the eternally urinating Calvin as the standard icon of rebelliousness on countless mudflaps and window stencils across the country, prompting his mother, equal measures sad at the loss and happy to begin the hunt for a new adoptee on the cutting-edge of cool, to abandon the overexposed toddler in the line at a truck-stop Hardee's.
No sooner had we accepted the dreary reality that this town was downright free of surprises and goodies 'til the new year, what should appear beneath our Defamer non-denominational electrified seasonal shrubbery but a shiny, wrapped PrivacyWatch sighting of Zelig-like, proud new adoptive papa Brad Pitt! With child!
· As seen on Defamer some six months ago, the Lindsay Lohan doll is finally available. Bathroom Stall Playset sold separately.
· Wild Boar in an Airport Limo, Stingrays in the Toilet Bowl, and other close-proximity animal terrors inspired by Snakes on a Plane.
· Maddox has a fake blog. This kid's going places.
· This is perhaps the least interesting lede to a gossip item ever written: "Steve Martin is many things - comedian, essayist, actor - but not everyone recalls that he's a banjo enthusiast."
· It's been ten minutes, so: Jude Law's penis. That's all.
