Because no one is really going to be happy until the newly rehabbed, destined for morgue gore-mopping Lindsay Lohan falls off the wagon in a Jeff Conaway-style drooling-screaming fit, The Razzies have taken it on themselves to give her a good, hard shove. I Know Who Killed Me was "recognized" with a whopping nine nominations, including worst picture and worst actress. Razzie founder and starlet-kicker John Wilson gushed about the sheer awfulness of the film to the Associated Press, eager to explain how it managed to rise above (below?) in a field crowded with bottom-dwelling crap like The Number 23 and Daddy Day Camp.

Citing no sources, Liz Smith is reporting in Variety today that Quentin Tarantino is planning to remake Russ Meyer's graduate thesis on the complex and intertwined relationship between heaving bosoms and ultraviolence, Faster Pussycat! Kill! Kill! For all we know, Liz might have forgotten to take her meds and made the whole thing up but, just this once, let's pretend that her sources aren't make-believe. Keeping that squarely in mind, the rumoured leads of the rumoured movie that QT is rumoured to be making "even raunchier" than the original are Eva Mendes, pride of the E! network Kim Kardashian and, gulp, Crossroads' Britney Spears. Hmmmm. That sounds positively terrible. We would've done it differently.

Perhaps fearing that the 80 hours of DUI-related community service Lindsay Lohan has already performed by serving as an unpaid shot girl at the Saddle Ranch (that place, like, doesn't even have a list! And why are all the drunk girls wearing lame cowboy hats?) may not provide the kind of scared-straight, "there but for the grace of delusional producers who believe I possess still-untapped acting talent go I" moment of clarity that will help keep the thrice-rehabbed actress from future alcohol- and cokepant-related vehicular incidents, Lohan's attorney told the court her client will soon spend two four-hour shifts toiling at a morgue and two more days in an emergency room.

Despite a rearguard effort by a few crusty old editors, the newspapers haven't been able to resist the popular fascination with female celebrities who have it all (ah, aspirational!) and then throw it away in a binge of alcohol, drugs and cheap publicity (ah, such delightful schadenfreude!). Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears — playing the roles of fallen heiress, soused actress and white-trash pop star — have vied with eachother for media attention since they crossed over to the mainstream in 2003. As this chart shows, Paris Hilton was the first to break out into the supposedly serious media, in November 2003, when a private sex tape taken by her boyfriend hit the internet. Lindsay Lohan dominated 2005 with her eating disorder, but managed to get some attention for a movie, Just My Luck. This year's been the most competitive by far, with each of the three girls competing with DUI charges, jail terms, and breakdowns. And any squeamishness at newspapers and news weeklies has been overwhelmed by their need to remain competitive: they may disguise a gossip item in a worthy feature on teen alcoholism, but celebrity gossip is now all pervasive.

PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are submitted by our readers, and are posted several times a week, so send them in often. Submit yours to tips[AT]defamer.com (please put "sighting" or "PrivacyWatch" in the subject line so we don't lose them) and tell everyone about the time you spotted the possible next First Daughter (for her second time—how weird will that be?) at a gay bar.

[Lindsay Lohan, her new boyfriend, and some other dude (angry shopkeeper?) getting upset with paparazzi at Dior in Los Angeles yesterday; image via Splash]

· Nicole Richie and That Guy From Good Charlotte had a bouncing baby girl and, as celebrities are wont to do, gave her two middle names. The diet for both mother and daughter begins tomorrow!
· I drink your milshake (dot com)!
· American Psycho gets a cuddly makeover (via BWE).
· Ever find yourself wondering what Paris, Britney and Lindsay would do if they used their powers for good instead of evil? Vh1's exceptional "Celebrity Eye Candy" has the answers. Now if only they had a website!
· Now that it's almost the weekend and you'll finally have some time to kill, take some time to peruse Slate's Movie Club.
· Jessica Alba like WHOA!
· And Maila Nurmi, best known as Vampira, died today at the age of 86. All we know is that Elvira better show her face at her funeral.

Add Tracie Rice, a passenger in the vehicle chased down by Lindsay Lohan's Denali in the infamous high-speed cokepant arrest, to the growing list of traumatized victims suing the road-rage-prone starlet. She's seeking damages to cover expenses from spending "$7,000 on medical bills, including a therapist who charges $175 per visit, and [losing] her $60,000 per year job because of the incident," plus $11.75 for what she spent to see I Know Who Killed Me. [breitbart.com]

When news broke yesterday that the moviegoers of this great nation of ours had voted Lindsay Lohan's dead-stripper turn in "I Know Who Killed (My Career)" as the single worst performance of Anno Domini 2007, our reaction was laced with both sadness and shock. Sadness because we all long for days when the frecklecrotched wonder's biggest problem was her slightly jiggly thighs, shock because we could think of no fewer than six and no greater than seven performances that were CLEARLY worse than Lindsay's. What follows, dear friends, is that list (in descending order, no less)!

In a shocking snippet of video evidence that literally knocked the wind right out of us, TMZ's worldwide sober-starlet-trailing operation (we imagine it like something out of Bourne Ultimatum, with Harvey Levin in a Joan Allen wig barking orders at a tightly wound team parked at hi-tech monitoring terminals) has captured a stunning New Year's Eve relapse that could have direct implications on your children's safety:

Seemingly suffering from the same cash-flow problems that would afflict any recovering addict who spends the time he or she should be earning a paycheck pinballing between rehab stints, thrice-dried-out struggling actress Lindsay Lohan is apparently doing whatever it takes to make ends meet during some lean times that show no signs of imminent improvement. Having recently been accused of trying to cut herself in on potentially lucrative photo opportunities that usually enrich only paparazzi agencies and the tabloids, according to Gatecrasher, Lohan may now be reaching out to friends—both of the personal and corporate varieties—for her mad money:

· Whew! For a minute there, we thought that Celebrity Rehab miracle worker Dr. Drew had somehow figured out a way to exorcise Andy Dick of the booze-craving demons that make him Hollywood's most lovable, semi-recovering addict. But once a bottle of beer, a bicycle, and an eager audience of photographers were introduced, even the good doctor's famed sobriety coaching never stood a chance. [via TMZ]
· A bold prediction: Bedazzled mugshots will be all the rage with the troubled starlet set in '08, a trend that will add some much-needed flair to the uniformly dreary prison-intake photography that was the hallmark of the previous year.
· Hunky SF mayor Gavin Newsom decides to marry an actress, but we've fallen so hopelessly out of touch with his ill-advised dips into the Hollywood dating pool that we mistakenly thought he was still shacked up with the one from CSI: Miami. We regret the error, and promise to pay more careful attention to the candidates for his eventual third marriage.
· How many dudes can Lindsay Lohan hook up with in a 24-hour period? This many.

• Hills victim Heidi Montag has a new set of lips to suck with. [US Magazine]

Mutant-fingered chanteuse Lindsay Lohan was voted worst actress of 2007 for her role in the "erotic thriller" I Know Who Killed Me, a film in which she plays a straight A student named Aubrey Fleming and a cripple stripper (a stripple?) named Dakota Moss. Some say pap but I think the film is just ahead of its time. Remember, LiLo, Stravinsky was booed at the premiere of Le Sacre du printemps too! [Moviefone]

· Apropos of nothing save our own need to get the f'hell out of here (we have tuxedo fittings, noisemaker sound checks, and blind champagne testings to get to), we thought we'd rerun our personal favorite video of the year—QVC chicks getting down! We can only hope to party half as hard as the comfotunic-selling ladies of shop-at-home television did early in October.
· We bid three fond farewells to our departing Gawker comrades.
· Worker 3116 imagines what Alien Vs. Predator Vs. A Crowd of Fussygussy New Year's Eve Party Guests might sound like.
· "For Lease - Trendy Area - Not Here - This Clearly Not Trendy - We Know That - What We Look Like - Hick From Van Nuys" [via Franklin Ave]

People's 25 Best Celeb Photos of '07 has a little something for everyone, from a nippy, wet-T-shirted Brad Pitt hoisting Pax and Zahara, to Lindsay Lohan flashing her signature peace-sign in a bikini, gold fuck-me pumps, and a SCRAM. How could 2008 possibly top that? [People]

Our mutation-identification-specialist siblings over at Gawker have discovered something truly disconcerting going on with Lindsay Lohan's right hand: Ten fingers! If ever there was a reason for expecting moms not to chug thalidomide-and-amaretto cocktails at fake-Rockette after-parties, this is it! [Gawker]

Lindsay Lohan, best known for her abuse of controlled substances and a starring role as a bipolar stripper in the seminal horror film I Know Who Killed Me, seemingly suffers from polydactylism. This photograph from PageSix.com seems to confirm our worst fears: That Ms. Lohan has ten fingers on her right hand. (In general, human beings have only five per hand, for a total of ten.) Lohan, however, isn't alone among luminaries with supernumerary digits! Anne Boleyn had six fingers on her left hand! Also, Benazir Bhutto, the only real opposition to election-rigging, Constitution-suspending Pervez Musharraf's dictatorship in Pakistan, died today in an apparent suicide attack. But anyway LOHAN! TEN FINGERS! THAT'S NUTS!

We'd like you now to take a moment and think back: way, way back, when a pre-reformed shock-starlet Lindsay Lohan was light years away from sharing the urban-pop-recording goings-on in her newly clean-and-sober life with a Las Vegas radio show (which we'd in turn set to charming, anthropomorphized vegetable imagery). 2005 was the Golden Age of Lohan-Generated Vehicular Manglings, but who of us could have anticipated that over two years later, we'd still be talking about the once-commonplace occurrence of her black Mercedes colliding with a delivery van following a lunch at The Ivy: