Our faith in Lindsay Lohan's discreet, discerning tastes in only the highest-grade exploitation is reaffirmed at last, with a helpful tipster pointing us to the very NSFW XTube video from which this morning's rumored sex-tape still was ripped. The clips reveal little more than the anonymous debauchery we hoped would win out, thus closing this investigation and returning us to the queasy anticipation of the next round of cringeworthy smut. Which should arrive in 5... 4... 3... 2... [The Blemish]

We just don't know! Related: will celebs ever learn? Not videotaping your assignations is just one of those trade-offs for fame. [Hollywood Scoop]

Considering the lengths of deduction and investigation we went to when gauging the authenticity of the very real Kristen Davis Sex-Act Souvenir Photo Set, we are tempted to parse every pixel of brand new cell-phone smut attributed to a very grainy Lindsay Lohan and her ex-beau Calum Best. As sex-tape connoisseurs of impeccable taste and refinement, however, we're also tempted to draft legislation making it a capital crime to pass such indistinguishable crap off as the real deal. Help us judge after the jump!

• Singer Paul McCartney's ex Heather Mills was awarded $49 million after four years of marriage. The blog Knife Tricks estimates that's $43,000 per screw — way, way more than so-called-high-priced whore Ashley Dupre ever charged. Apparently Mills wanted even more.

While she hasn't been caught with coke pants or knives (yet), budding leggings designer Lindsay Lohan has been caught throwing two tantrums back to back. Whether or not the allegations are as suspect as those made against fellow ex-rehabber and possible anger management candidate Owen Wilson remains to be seen, but the reasons behind Lohan's hissy fits are classic entries in the long history of diva freakouts. So what and who has driven Lindsay off the wall recently? Onions, and one of her best frenemies, Paris Hilton:

We'd love to know which friend and/or hired friend was around when Lindsay Lohan decided to become a clothing designer, because the blessed soul who must have said, "Wellll....maybe you should start with something a bit simpler?" just saved us from a full collection of billowy rock t-shirts and Pat Benatar head bands. Not to mention the inevitable up-all-night habits she would have picked up trying to put together rack after rack of pieces. Instead, we'll only have to suffer through a line of leggings, Lindsay's trademark accessory (so trademark, in fact, that she allegedly wore them for 21 days in a row recently). As long as there's at least one style with easy-to-use and very subtly hidden coke pockets, we won't complain one bit. [People]

Poor Lindsay Lohan may have run out of precious, precious money (and, by extension, precious, precious drugs). The troubled (haha, I said it!) actress hasn't really been getting job offers the way she used to and has been enjoying a rococo lifestyle that consists of spending $70,000 on fake tans and living in a $2,700-a-night hotel. Her only way out of this is a big role in a big movie that puts her back on the map! (She'll do it, you'll see! Someone get her agent on the horn!) Oh, and leggings. Designer leggings. "It will be a while before it comes out, but I'm going to do it. Some of them will have prints and some will have patterns. I love leggings," she recently said. Then she fell down the stairs. And talked more about leggings. Here's hoping that this faraway, crazy dream of making leggings becomes a reality for the very, very troubled (deal with it) young lady. [MSNBC via Showbiz Spy]

In its new issue with Britney Spears on the cover, the Atlantic featured some oh-so-intellectual analysis of celebrity worship within a profile of the the founders of paparazzi firm X17, which is now online. The magazine also posted a trashier Web-only sidebar, in which the paps riffed on a series of their own photographs. Along the way, they mentioned how actress Nicole Kidman "really does have a unpleasant, grandmother-ish look," how singer Britney Spears "is being pumped full of drugs and that can affect her weight" and how actor Tom Cruise and wife Katie Holmes are "living inside the Scientology Center." You really have to read it for yourself, but here are some choice bits:

You know how celebrities are always getting in drunken car wrecks and then get arrested and have to go to rehab? And you know how everyone (mostly Bruce Vilanch) is like "Why don't they just have someone drive them??" Well Sean Combs (née "P Diddy," "Puff Daddy," "Diablo Cody," etc.) has been listening to everyone (but mostly Bruce Vilanch) and has decided to start a car service for drunk famous people. "After partnering with Ciroc vodka, he wants to make sure everyone's partying responsibly," says a rep for the mogul. Oh. It's just for a sponsorship thing. Well, that and public safety, right? So future fuck ups like Jesse McCartney or Elle Fanning don't someday, with tragic irony, run over a little child who reminds them of what they used to be, right? No, not really. Combs says the goal for the company is "Making sure nobody gets arrested!" Sigh. [Us]

The people who fill the pages of celebrity magazines, timeless Graydon Carter told the BBC's Culture Show, will be forgotten in three years. In which case, why does Carter plaster transient gossip-rag characters like Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton on the cover of Vanity Fair, the supposedly classy magazine he himself edits?

If you want to look just as scarily skinny as the likes of Kate Hudson and Renee Zellweger, the solution is simple: eat nothing but boiled eggs and water, develop a healthy addiction to caffeine and cardio, and devote your evenings to chain-smoking and reading Us Weekly on the john. The latest "news" on celebrity diet secrets comes to us courtesy of the Daily Mail, who asked a handful of trainers and nutrition experts what's in between the lines of all those helpful How Kate/Jessica/Reese Got Slim stories. And even if some of the answers don't exactly whet your appetite, guessing which celebs the so-called experts are outing is almost as much fun as biting into a Double Double. Take this nugget for example:

Why must Lindsay Lohan always dress as if she's Steven Tyler's illegitimate daughter? Sobriety is a good thing and all, but maybe she should save outfits like that for when you're wailing away on "Guitar Hero" in the privacy of your own home.

Lindsay Lohan is trying to prove she is not the worst actress in the world, so she took a topline role in Chapter 27, a biopic about the guy who shot John Lennon. This way, she can show off her ability to simulate the sort of person who would hang out with one or more mentally imbalanced New Yorkers. Such a stretch! Some people think Lohan will be overshadowed by co-star Jared Leto, who gained a ton of weight and developed gout and can actually act. If the following YouTube clip is any indication, those people are absolutely correct:

Lindsay Lohan has been doing an awful lot of public babbling regarding her determined efforts not to appear on Momager/pimp Dina Lohan's upcoming reality show. But does her unwillingness to appear have to do with those tightwads at E!'s inability to properly grease her pockets, or is it more that Lindsay is intentionally snubbing her fame-hungry family members? The official answers behind Lindsay's refusal have yet to be revealed, but judging from her current crop of friends, we're praying to the cable gods that either E! comes up with a killer paycheck or Lindsay gives in to Dina's assualt-by-camera tactics. Mainly because Lindsay's new nightlife-traipsing buddies include Lesbian Wingwoman 2.0, a wanna-be music manager and, of course, Samantha Ronson.

Lindsay Lohan, actress and "former" skiing enthusiast, has apparently refused to appear on her mother Dina's reality show. I guess the young lady has had enough negative attention, and is at least wise enough to realize that this particular television program is what some would call "the nadir of human civilization." Or, she just wants to hit that mean old bitch where it hurts. [Showbiz Spy]

• Singer Britney Spears reunited with desperate paparazzo Adnan Ghalib, who she had ditched after finding incriminating text chats with another girl on his iPhone. Just prior to taking Ghalib back, Spears was photographed bumping her head, hard. Post hoc ergo propter hoc, as Spears surely likes to say.

"Saw Linds this afternoon exiting Mercer Kitchen to a smattering of paps. Very fit looking, taller and rather fabulous in person. Great hair. Overall, I think now I may actually like her. And those boots!" [Thanks, Chris!]

Forget Darfur, Iraq and figuring out that whole peace in the Middle East messiness; the UN is currently most concerned with figuring out why the kiddies love crackheads and drunks like Pete Doherty and Lindsay Lohan so damn much! According to the NY Daily News, a United Nations narcotics committee thinks that "Celebrities are often involved in illicit drug trafficking or in illicit drug use and this is glamorized." Oh the glamour of it all. After all, nothing makes us want to hit the pipe harder than seeing Pete Doherty smoke down with his kitten. And we've never wanted a drink so badly until we saw those positively French Vogue-worthy images of Lindsay double-fisting shots. We have a feeling you'll feel the "glamour" of it all racing through your soon-to-be-poisoned veins after taking a look at our gallery of the best moments in downright gorgeous coke-nosed, passed-out, nodding-off celebrity history:

This week Village Voice columnist and flip-flop with socks wearer Michael Musto recreated Lindsay Lohan's recreation of Marilyn Monroe's last photo shoot because nothing says "Pultizer" like drag (Does it count as drag if you're naked? -ed). A small point that might have gotten overlooked as you held in your vomit: Musto's ass has "Fire Crotch" airbrushed in. Hey, Musto, you owe Brandon Davis a nickel. [La Daily Musto]

In the raging war on basic human decency, another family has been drafted to the front line. Dina Lohan, mother of ruined actress Lindsay and future corpse in a sad hotel room Ali, says that the family has "no choice" but to do their upcoming E! reality series about Ali rapping on the door of stardom while Dina stands angrily behind her with a battering ram. They were conscripted by the media that ruthlessly hounds them. Dina's logic is that by wielding the power of a TV camera she can control the inevitably intense scrutiny the family will endure when she gleefully throws her next daughter off a cliff. Page Six has video of Dina yammering on about her theory (something about "carte blanche"). After the jump, more video of this principled woman sharing her wisdom.