If you were unfortunate enough to catch the premiere of NBC's ludicrous superhero snoozefest Heroes, you might have enjoyed the image above where a girl jams her hand into a running disposal, apparently shredding her flesh and digits. Despite the carnage, she's ultimately unharmed, because she has the regenerative abilities of a common earthworm, starfish, or other invertebrate (will her severed fingers regenerate into duplicate girls? stay tuned!). Anyway, Emerson, the maker of the disposal — ingeniously named the "In-Sink-Erator" — is suing NBC, claiming that the show casts their product in an unsafe light. "It's a trademark thing," says one company spokesman. So feel free to jam your extremities right down into your In-Sink-Erators, because there's nothing safer than a damp, dark hole full of whirring blades.

NBC is currently living every legal clearance department's nightmare, as a perfectly innocuous scene from the pilot episode of new drama Heroes, in which the series' indestructible cheerleader character demonstrates her rapid-healing abilities by jamming her hand into an InSinkErator™ brand garbage disposal, has resulted in a lawsuit by the manufacturer seeking to prevent the network from re-airing that show:

New York's two major tabs rarely agree on anything but, in a heart-warming moment of unanimity, they're in accordance on one issue this morning: Lisa Santangelo, the woman with whom Jeanine Pirro suspected her husband was having sleazy boat romp sex, is "stunning." Also "young" and "brunette," although the News finds her "elegant," while the Post, presumably from lack of familiarity with the word, eschews the extra color. Everyone involved is denying that the affair occurred, but if Al Pirro did in fact stick it to Lisa Santangelo, wife of the attorney who represented him in the tax-fraud case that resulted in an eleven month prison sentence, you've got to give him credit: It's rare that you can screw two lawyers simultaneously without fucking either of them.

Republican candidate for New York state attorney general Jeanine Pirro may have the worst luck of any would-be politician ever, but that doesn't mean she can't deliberately act to make things even worse. Faced with — and admitting to — a probe regarding her conversation with disgraced former police commissioner Bernard Kerik about planting a bug on her husband's boat to catch his philandering, Pirro has chosen to go on the offensive. At a press conference today, an angry Pirro exclaimed, "There needs to be a federal investigation of the felony of leaking sealed court documents ... That's the only crime that occurred here. And it's an outrage to the people of this state." Outrage heaped upon outrage! However, what we'd really like to see is the transcript of those recorded phone calls to Kerik, as an agitated Pirro is said to describe her naughty husband-bugging intentions in "profanity-laced terms." No luck finding the transcripts online, but if you see 'em, let us know.

A little more on Liza's victory: Botox receptacle David Gest had his lawsuit versus ex-wife Liza Minnelli thrown out yesterday, and really, all you need to know is this:

Former Megu waitress Satomi Southward has filed a sexual-harassment lawsuit against the Japanese megaplex, seeking $20 million in compensatory and punitive damages. The suit alleges that Southward endured all sorts of nasty things at the Tribeca joint: head chef Mitsuo Endo sexually humiliated her in front of the staff and inappropriately touched her with utensils (oh, those dirty spatulas); line chef Lawrence Herman accused her of blowing a banana; and, rather horrifyingly, Southward claims that she was drugged during the restaurant's holiday party, only to regain consciousness to Herman "shoving his fingers in her vagina." Don't you love Christmas in New York?

You may remember the unfortunate San Diego TV reporter, John Mattes, who was physically attacked on camera by a married couple Mattes was investigating about their alleged identity theft/real estate scam. Apparently, Assad "Sam" Suleiman and wife Rosa Barraza contend that Mattes must have somehow injured himself — perhaps by smashing his ribs into Suleiman's fist until they cracked, or walloping his own face a few times (we won't even mention the biting). Facing lengthy prison sentences if convicted in the assault, both Suleiman and Barraza have pled not guilty, with their attorney claiming that Suleiman was just acting to defend his wife, and "the footage released to the general media does not fully capture the intensity of the confrontation." Watch that clip again, and try to imagine that it was actually, somehow, more intense.

"They told me I needed to get on the scale," said one of the women, Kristen McRedmond, about her humiliating experience in a manager's office at Sutton Place Bar and Restaurant in July.

You might remember MySpace self-branding slattern Christine Dolce's (a.k.a. ForBiddeN's) quest to get back on the cover of this month's Playboy. Didn't happen, and apparently all is now ForGiveN — at least between her and the porn mag. Seems Dolce has angered one of her stable of tech-nerds. Specifically, one Ashley Michaud, "Web Designer for the Stars," who claims the habitually orange-skinned breast implant display system didn't add him as a "Top 8 friend" after Michaud rendered his Flash programming services. Apparently the chief objection from Dolce's manager was that Michaud's MySpace photo is "super geeky" and "makes Christine look bad." After Michaud's company responded in the negatory to the photo change demand, "Forbidden's Manager then replied with inappropriate language offending the business owners." So what's the retaliation? No lawsuit, sadly — isn't the world ready for MySpace friend litigation by now? No, they're just disabling the Flash banners, which is the rough equivalent of the school brainiac refusing to finish the cheerleader's algebra homework when she won't make with the handjob. Not going to get you friended nor laid.

Moments after grumpy, 168-year-old Viacom mogul Sumner Redstone fired his now-infamous "That Tom Cruise Character Is Far Too Nuts To Ever Work For My Company" Shot Heard 'Round The World across the pages of the Wall Street Journal, chatter almost instantaneously commenced that the notoriously thin-skinned Cruise would dispatch his legal strongman, Scary Hollywood Lawyer Bertram "Bert" Fields, to devour Redstone's children. But rather than paralyze his quarry with a quick dose of poison, unhinge his jaw, and slowly swallow his retaliatory prey down until the clearly discernible shape of Shari Redstone bulged from his grotesquely distended belly, Fields instead announced that Cruise has "no intent" to call in a hit, telling The Hollywood Reporter, ESQ:

In some sort of legal twisting of the pot-kettle issue, Maxim, the men's magazine that reads like a Tampa strip joint, is suing actual Tampa strip joint Maxxim Mens Club and Steakhouse. Dennis Publishing has filed suit against the adult venue for trademark infringement, trademark dilution and unfair competition. Best of all, the publishing house claims that by associating the Maxim name with a venue that allows women to remove their clothes for money, Dennis' reputation is harmed.

The Palm Beach Post reports today that billionaire financier Jeffrey Epstein, who has been accused of receiving "sex-tinged" massages and facilitating lesbian sex for underage girls, has assembled a team to fight the media with a defense that pretty much consists of "the girls are liars." Really? Is that the best you could come up with? What sort of retainer does one have to pay for that sort of originality?

Has it come to this, people? Has it really gotten so inauspicious out there that the beautiful people must take to hurting one another? Apparently so. Reformed bachelor (ha, we love writing that) Fabian Basabe has filed suit against exclusive den of sin Bungalow 8 and its alpha-doorman Armin Amiri, claiming that Amiri clocked him when he tried to bring a group of friends past the pearly gates. Bungalow headmistress Amy Sacco denies any such incident took place, but that's not stopping Basabe, who says, "I'm not going to let them get away with it." And honestly, the $2 million Basabe's seeking barely covers the cost of his pain at never having a chance to call Amiri a "sand negro."

"There are only two kinds of cases I won't take. I won't take a pedophile I believe to be guilty and I won't take a terrorist."

Lounge, Soho's multi-leveled, eurotrash horror show dedicated to only the best in expensive, purposely shredded clothing, is being sued by Andrew Boeppel, the store's former publicist, who claims that shopowner Jack Menashe used gay slurs. In February, Boeppel had organized a gay networking party (that's what they call them these days) at the Broadway store; allegedly Menashe was displeased with the homo presence and, using a gay slur, banished the queens to a "tiny cafe in the rear of the store."

Really, you're just not going to see a lede better than this:

Earlier this week, sib site Consumerist revealed dangerous, confidential information from wireless corp Cingular regarding how the company rates its customers. Supposedly, your friendly phone rep evaluates your worth as a person based on cute little graphics illustrating your "Life Time Value" versus your "Churn Potential." As of today, Cingular has demanded the materials be yanked — what, you think you deserve to know your own churn potential? Consumerist has refused to comply thus far. That's right. Who else wants some of this?

On Wednesday we made the very grave mistake of noting that shaken-down billionaire Ron Burkle shared a few things in common with Jeffrey Epstein, the billionaire financier who allegedly enjoyed the pleasures of massage oils, sex toys and underage girls. We never said that these sexy pursuits were shared by Burkle; we were just yapping about how, like Epstein, Burkle is a heterosexual male with a jet and flies around with President Clinton.

In our post yesterday detailing the various exploits, both business and sexual, of pervy financier Jeffrey Epstein, we noted that Epstein had supposedly introduced fellow billionaire and so-called extortion victim Ron Burkle to Radar editor Maer Roshan (Epstein funded Radar 2.0, Burkle is rumored to be involved in funding Radar 3.0). In explaining the similarities between Epstein and Burkle, we noted that both Epstein and Burkle had fancy (sexy!) private jets, both had hosted President Clinton on said jets, and both are thought to have an interest in ladies who are not old. Big whoop — we beat the Burkle stuff to death months ago. Epstein's the story here.

Two weeks ago, Reese Witherspoon filed suit against American Media Inc. over an item in Star magazine reporting that the actress was pregnant with her third child. Star featured pictures of Witherspoon in baggy clothes and empire-waisted dresses, concluding that these wardrobe choices could only signify a secret fetus. Witherspoon thus sent her legal team to action, arguing that the inaccurate item damaged her reputation by suggesting that she'd not been honest with producers about her physical state.