Hey who wants to go to New Haven?? We just got an invitation (sort of) from Yale Law School to attend an event of great historical import. Some crazy kids are trying to set the world record for the most people in one place who are all dressed like The Hills star, Lauren Conrad. It's next friday, 10pm at Yale. (Again, in Poo Haven.) Someone go! Someone go! They're providing eyeliner! (Click through for larger invite image)

Please join us for our latest installment of The Hills: Words of Wisdom. As we learned last week, the cast is very gifted when it comes to doling out life lessons, and last night's back-to-back episodes contained no shortage of incredibly valuable tips and advice when it comes to just, you know, living life and stuff. Among the topics briefed in today's feature are the benefits of quitting smoking ("the whole no-cancer thing!"), why computers are just silly (they're "hard"), and one very profound discover made on behalf of Mr. Spencer Pratt: "There's no bright side." Spencer, were we in your position of bleachy dumpdom, relying on Sister Methanie for advice, we couldn't agree more. Watch, and as always, learn.

Today marks the first edition of "The Hills: Words Of Wisdom," a new weekly feature in which the bleached blonde cast of "real people" indulges us with life lessons worth learning. On last night's Season Four premiere, the one-hour chickfest was jam-packed with girly fever, tears, ruined dresses, dates with French rockers, and Spencer's Lucy Ball 'do. But the most important thing to take away from all that femitude is the wise words of heroines Lauren Conrad, Whitney Port and former meth addict Stephanie Pratt. This show is more than just quick flashes of fancy parties and shoes, combined with solemn pouts over which guy to tease; The Hills is the modern day version of Emily Post's guide to good etiquette. Thanks to the keen skills of Intrepid Defamer Videographer™ Molly McAleer, now you can learn just what to do when you feel nauseous over the loss of designer shoes ("breathe"), whether or not boys are hotter in LA or Paris ("way hotter in Paris"), and most importantly, how to successfully mount a motorcycle while wearing a dress worth more than your house. [MTV]

• Over here, we had an old friend take on the weekend shift.

["The Hills" star Lauren Conrad poses with a young female fan (who has some sort of sad skin condition) at JFK airport yesterday; image via Splash]

Last week, Salon's Rebecca Traister worried that "The Golden Age of Celebrity Gossip" was "grinding to an end" because of "evil geniuses" like Us Weekly editor-in-chief Janice Min. Min did, after all, put The Hills star Lauren Conrad on the cover of her mag. But the Little Girls of America have a message for the Min doubters: "J-Min is right, and you are old, so shut your old face before I shut it for you." I just went to the corner newsstand to buy cigarettes and while I was waiting forever for this one Nigerian dude to buy a stack of phone cards, two Russian girls who looked to be about eight or nine years old showed up.

The Hills star Lauren Conrad explains why you don't have to be a teenager, or a stunted twenty-something, to enjoy her MTV reality show. Number 1: It's like Sex and the City, without scripts and things. "But we were four girls who came to L.A., and became friends over time, and friendships were broken." It is also like The Devil Wears Prada. "That was about a girl who works at Vogue. I'm a girl who works at Teen Vogue. I get yelled at a lot. I miss birthdays and dates." And how is it an unscripted program can come off as kind of scripted? "It looks more like it's scripted because of the way they shoot it. There's a lot of editing. They use our stares for dramatic effect. All of us have more expressions on our face now, out of habit."

The Hills reality mini-star Lauren Conrad is on the cover of US Weekly and the Wall Street Journal in the same week! (Which one do you think she is more excited about?) From the WSJ: "Lauren Conrad is famous for being on a reality show. But what she really wants is to run a merchandising empire." Literally: she's hired, like, a whole team of people to brand her. The problem, though? People don't take her seriously! (She goes on to hang herself in front of the reporter, asking somebody, "How do you spell 'beret'?") Then Kate White, editor of Cosmopolitan, explains why little LC will never be chosen for the cover of their magazine:

The latest trendy excuse floating through the manipulative minds of Young Hollywood? Nude photo shoots are totally artistic! As we reported yesterday, Hills sidekick and all-around Mensa candidate Audrina Patridge completed a scheduled spread for Playboy, only to have the story nixed (we've never, ever taken a glimpse at the mag ourselves of course, but our "friends" tell us B-cups aren't a common theme in Hef's airbrushed centerfold ouevre). But after the photos were released in all their Catholic school girl, cowboy hat glory, Patridge is pulling a Dina Lohan and claiming the bonerific shots are totally just art, guys: "I intended them to be artistic and not in any way provocative." After the jump, the wise one's words of advice for all the young wannabe actresses out there hoping their ticket to stardom will come in the form of artsy T&A:

[Whitney Port and Lauren Conrad, two stars of The Hills, in Los Angeles today; image viaBauer-Griffin]

Oh no. The new season of The Hills hasn't even begun and Lauren is already angry at people and making life decisions. ("Spoiler Alert" I guess?) Apparently her friend and roommate Audrina betrayed her by making-up with Lauren's arch nemesis, Heidi, while Lauren was in Paris for the summer. Also while she was gone, ex-boyfrined Brody quickly got himself a new girlfriend (though I guess we knew that), and went public with the information. Naturally Lauren went crying to her best friend, Us Weekly magazine, to moan about the whole situation. "At this point, I have to question every person that wants to have a relationship with me, whether it's a friendship or a romantic relationship," she said bleakly. Poor broken Lauren. Hopefully whatever ratings bump this brouhaha gives Monday's premiere will soften the many blows of her tortured existence. [Us] After the jump, find evidence of why no one should ever go to Paris for the summer.

How far David Letterman has come in his interactions with reality stars since the days when he'd require visiting Survivor castaways to stand in quarantine, disinterestedly lobbing questions about insect-ingestion from a contagion-safe distance of 15 meters. Now, they climb right into the chair next to him, just like real stars!

Admit it: you don't really hate The Hills. I mean, why would you? Yes, the real-people-in-fake-situations MTV phenomenon (which starts a new season on Monday) is profoundly shallow and vapid, not to mention potentially damaging to the young girls who look to the show for guidance on how to navigate their emerging womanhood and find only rhinestones and an empty cocktail glass. So no, I don't think 12-year-olds should be watching it. But for us, discerning and intelligent adults who maybe like to watch a soap every now and again (or, even, got a giddy thrill out of the more salacious parts of August: Osage County), The Hills is masterfully crafted, beautifully shot arch melodrama. You bring me the best of Richard Brinsley Sheridan, and I'll show you its parallel on The Hills. It's a picture of self-involvement and social anxieties that could be seen as representing the minds and experiences of many young people, only writ large and ludicrous. So you don't hate it, you just don't understand it yet. You're not caught up, you don't know the ins and outs of what's happened to our sun-melted friends in Los Angeles, lo (Lo!) these many years. I've provided a summary after the jump, with links to video of the most recent season. Give it a chance. If you don't like it, I'll shut up.

The Hills' promotional juggernaut rampages on (and on). The show's star, Lauren Conrad, was on Letterman last night, and all Dave cared about was Lauren's former friend, and current melodist, Heidi Montag. "Are you friends?" he asked the wispy, vaguely sad fashion designer. Of course her reply was no, so he suggested that perhaps they are "frenemies." David Letterman knows what "frenemies" are! I barely know! He must watch a lot of Sex and the City. He continued on to ask about Heidi's Silly Putty-crafted boyfriend Spencer, who he calls a "newt." Lauren, an amateur zoologist, asks "Isn't that a reptile?" and the world falls apart a little bit more. Click for video.

With Nicole Richie playing house for the next five minutes or so, Kim Kardashian having moved on to mall clothing endorsements and her own show, and sister Nicky entrapped in a brand new anorexia scandal, Paris Hilton has no one to play with. Not even her hypersexual litter of puppies. So she's prepared to do what Britney and Jessica Simpson did before her: pay someone to be her friend. Teaming up with MTV and Ish Entertainment, Paris announced the debut of her next reality show, Paris Hilton's My New BFF, in which 20 lucky boys and girls will prove to Paris that they're capable of being loyal, trustworthy pals who won't try to feel her up or plan porny video attacks mid-party. As Paris herself put it, "[I am looking for] someone I can just trust, someone who's not gonna stab me in the back like has happened a lot in this town, someone I can have fun with." But what does the winner get in exchange?

For those of you who don't understand or care about the Spitzer story, mostly because you're only interested in real issues and real drama, we've posted a clip, via Us Weekly, from the new season of The Hills, MTV's fake reality show about people who've spent too much time in the sun. Watch as Lauren, in Paris, learns of on-again-off-again boyfriend Brody's new lady friend. Watch Whitney look dim yet vaguely shocked. Watch them both once again ignore work for personal matters. Oh, it's all coming back!

As reality TV star Lauren Conrad brilliantly illustrates, the best part of fame and celebrity might just be knowing that you're allowed to dress like Mrs. Roper from Three's Company and still considered to be "fashion forward."

[The Hills' Lauren Conrad carrying a buncha crap in Los Angeles today; image via INF]

Poor Regis Philbin. All old and befuddled and never having any idea what's going on. Save, of course, the occasional moment when some dim spark will fire in his brain and he'll remember a few tidbits that his producer fed him before an interview. Today Regis and Live! co-host Kelly Ripa chatted with The Hills' Lauren Conrad about being on a reality show. Regis exasperatedly demanded explanation for her break-up with ex-boyfriend Jason. Then, after Kelly mentioned Heidi Montag, Lauren's ex-best friend, Reeg plaintively, and without explanation, intoned that he misses old Heidi. Finally, out of nowhere he remembered that Montag was on an episode of Jimmy Kimmel in which she said that she prays for Lauren. Regis reminded Lauren of this, in bellowing fashion, without any sort of follow-up question. It must be so awkward to be a guest on this show. Kelly, I never thought I'd say this, but you're a saint. Video after the jump.

[The Hill's stars Lauren "LC" Conrad and Brody Jenner at a Las Vegas club last night; image via Splash]