After a bumpy spring protecting and investing their billion dollar baby Miley Cyrus, today brings news that there may be additional troubles brewing over at the Mouse House. 15-year old Selena Gomez, the rising star of the newest Disney series Wizards Of Waverly Place, whose elevator pitch was most likely "Gossip Girl Meets Harry Potter Meets Charmed But Like, Happy!," is reportedly usurping the scandal-plagued Cyrus' dimming star power. Quietly crowned “The Next Miley Cyrus” by various newsies, the Miley lookalike (minus gummy smile, plus premature Jolie-level hotness) plays Alex, whose painfully ironic mantra is "cast magic first, ask questions later." But the turbulence among competing teens trying to catch their big break by stepping over their peers left and right is a trend as old as the Mousketeers’ first dimpled disciples. After the jump, we count down our top three favorite teen feuds of yesteryear.

Of all the Hills characters deserving a spin-off series, MTV is allegedly going with the single most boring, vapid, expressionless cast member whom we suspect is the sole character not popping Adderall offered up by producers between takes. Just think what a Methanie Does Manhattan show might bring, with her Tatum O’Neal-esque late-night trips to Harlem. Or Spencer Does Santa Cruz, where MTV could allow viewers to watch his eyes quite literally pop out of his enormous head upon entering the glorious land of non-working, tree-gazing beach hippies.

[Lauren Conrad of "The Hills" filming in Los Angeles yesterday; image via Bauer-Griffin]

["The Hills" star Lauren Conrad on the set of a commercial in Los Angeles today; image via Splash]

Did anyone catch John McCain's two appearances on Saturday Night Live this weekend? He was sort of funny if a bit wobbly and a tad, you know, old. He's really trying to court the youngs, isn't he? What with the SNL and that horribly awkward Dwight Schrute reference on The Daily Show. Oh and the hip, young celebrity endorsements! He's got them from reality TV Hills girls, and now he's roping in soap star annoyance Leven Rambin. Read more about the influential brainless young starlets that he's got in his camp, after the jump.

The Hills star who isn't Heidi Montag or Lauren Conrad, Whitney Port, was dining at the Ivy in Los Angeles when her wardrobe malfunctioned. If you absolutely must examine a marginally NSFW gallery illustrating every moment of the incident, it's after the jump.

Last night, we tearfully watched as the third season of that Adderall-fueled pity party known as The Hills came to a wisdom-filled conclusion. So what did we learn last night? Aside from newly cropped and suddenly hot Justin Bobby teaching Audrina (and us) that living alone means you can “come home and cook something,” and shockingly, “have people over,” Methanie Pratt managed to summarize the entire season’s course on Lives Of The Blonde And Vapid by telling villainous Spencer that one should always “think really hard before you do anything.” Below we bring you three tidbits to carry with you forever, involving drinking on the job, dieting leessons, and when the appropriate time to “shush” someone is:

While it's always difficult getting used to living with a new roommate, it's not as though Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson met on Craig’s List. After years of jaunting off to Tokyo, tag team DJ nights and generally painting the town pink like two regulars at Truck Stop Fridays, their most recent squabble sounds less like a trivial fight over a messy apartment and more like a rip-roaring catfight one sees at female roller derby tournaments:

[Lauren "LC" Conrad getting a slice of New York pizza at Sbarro's (no, I'm kidding, it was Monetti's) in Manhattan today; image via INF]

Even though zombified Whitney and scandal-plagued Audrina didn't have much to teach us on last night's wisdom-packed episode of The Hills, Spencer, Heidi and Lauren blew our minds with life lessons we'll carry with us forever. And despite not saying anything that even remotely resemebled wisdom, it must be said that Justin Bobby, with his new haircut, has officially reignited our Bad Boy Crush phase. Intrepid Defamer Videographer™ Molly McAleer worked her magic to present the episode's most eye-opening moments, which we've broken down into three essential bits of knowledge:


1. How To Advance Your Career By Seducing The Boss! Without an annoying dandruff-headed fiance to keep her busy, Heidi is focused on her job as some kind of powerful publicity manager who rose through the assistant ranks by age 21 using one simple method: subtly let your male boss know you want to "get your hands in there" and "make yourself available" to them moments after uncrossing your legs.

Hey, where's Kristin Cavallari? And Jason Wahler? And that one chick with the huge cans? Oh, hi there! In case you hadn't noticed, Molly is out sick today, which leaves your Uncle Grambo the pleasure of being your host for this week's installment of "The Hills: Words Of Wisdom." Truth be told, I have never seen an episode of the show, which leaves me relatively unprepared to contextualize the goings-on of this band of famepires. While I harbor no doubts that a fair number of Defamer readers actually enjoy The Hills (regardless of whether you like it as a show or as a cultural phenomenon), I'm guessing (hoping?) that most of you are not watching this to catch up on the plot summary. Rather, you're watching it for the same reason that I do, which is because it enables us to wallow around in the schadenfreude like a pig rolls around in mud on a hot summer's day. So, with that, please enjoy this week's episode (crafted lovingly, as always, by Molly McAleer). [MTV]

• Carrie Fisher so totally did have take a ride in Harrison Ford's Millennium Falcon during the filming of the Star Wars movies. Fisher: "Once I left the room and came back and he was in the closet not wearing a lot of clothes." The Sun headlined their story, "Carrie: I gave Ford Obi-Wan." [Sun]

[Lauren Conrad, star of "The Hills," with a gentleman friend outside a Los Angeles nightclub last night; image via Splash]

Underneath that swarthy, dirty-haired facade that Hills heartthrob/bastard Justin Bobby exudes lies an astonishing ability to inspire the rest of the cast with his wildly profound life lessons. His highly anticipated return to the habitually bland "reality" show jump-started whatever brain cells our blonde professors possess after popping all those producer-supplied Adderalls. In one particularly Carrie Bradshaw-esque line, our antihero explains, "It's not nice when you fall away from people, but when you kind of regroup again, it's..." Sure, we don't learn what "it" is, but still. Sheer poetry. As you'll see in our clip masterfully crafted by Intrepid Defamer Videographer&trade Molly McAleer, there were lessons aplenty last night. One prime example from dearest dead-eyed Audrina? A Webster-worthy definition of the term "date like a date date." [MTV]

Oh dear. After weeks spent learning about ancient proverbs and analyzing the relationship between women and fashion, the cast of The Hills has gotten their manicured hands dirty. Moving on from worldly life lessons, the girls dove highlights first into Relationships 101. McCain endorsette Heidi raised a good question last night: "How can you love and hate someone so much at the same time?" And her sort-of boyfriend Spencer provided some guidance. As his Adderall eyes flickered and his surfer boy voice reached shrieky heights, he attempted to explain something "everyone on the planet" knows: the difference between "Relationship-acation" and breaking up. But no matter how totally profound Spencer may have appeared, queen bee Lauren drowsily piped in with a brief lesson on boys who are "scum." Enjoy this video, crafted with loving care by Molly McAleer. [MTV]

God bless the New Yorker for their ability to intellectualize anything. This week, they take on Lauren Conrad and Teh Hillz The Hills and end up confused about the hows and whys of the show's appeal: "Lauren looks like Marcia Brady, and the three others have dead eyes, although at least Whitney, alone of the girls, appears to understand what having a career means."

It's really a shame that the storylines we see on The Hills aren't as "real" as MTV claims they are, since the blonde cast's off-screen lives seem far more colorful than what we see on the show. This season we've trudged through (yawn) yet another ongoing catfight between Heidi and Lauren, and barely kept our eyes open while slowest speaker in the world Whitney learns how to cope with a new job. But rumors surfacing today involving real-life catfights between Lauren and roomie Audrina, plus not-so-blind items suggesting the entire cast is fed drugs by producers, make us wish this "unscripted" drama would throw out the scripts already.

Last night's double dose of The Hills was so jam-packed with Words of Wisdom that Intrepid Defamer Videographer Molly McAleer feels, like, one thousand percent smarter after putting this piece together. And you'll feel similarly after watching, we promise. From Friendship 101 to deep discussions on ancient British proverbs ("It's just water under the bridge. Wait, is 'water under the bridge' an expression, right?"), Lauren, Heidi, Whitney and Methanie Pratt were dishing out more stellar advice than Dr. Phil. And, as usual, one of our favorite gems came from nudie photo scandal subject Audrina, who pretty much summed up everything we're going to learn from our blonde life professors this season: "That's weird how the world works." So. True. [MTV]

[Brody Jenner, Lauren Conrad, and Frankie Delgado all from "The Hills" outside Katsuya restaurant in Los Angeles last night; image via Bauer-Griffin]

Last night's Hills quadrille was all about cross-pollination. Lauren "LC" Conrad and Stephanie Pratt continued to circle each other, tipping their hats, and going to birthday parties. Well, it was Lauren's birthday party specifically, and she, in resplendent pointy party hat, kindly invited Stephanie and her friend Roxy (throw up all over the place what a dumb name). At the party, Lauren was drunk in the way that my sister gets, all kindness and big declarations. "Seriously, you're a good person," she slurred to Stephanie. Aww. Meanwhile, old Fauna and Merriweather, Audrina and Lo, looked on skeptically. It's always amusing to watch the supporting players on this show start to get cagey about their possible airtime (though, maybe Lo's never really cared all that much). Remember the poor, desperate attempts of Jen Bunny to stay on the show? This series' depiction of daily anxieties and injustices continues.