• Alec Baldwin lashes out at the family court system in his book, not his ex-wife Kim Basinger. He takes care of her at live party appearances: "My ex-wife reaches an almost sexual level of satisfaction when she's in a room full of high-priced lawyers." [Showbiz Spy]

The last time Kirstie Alley appeared on daytime television (flaunting her slim-ish new frame on Oprah), we applauded the self-proclaimed Fat "Actress" for keeping up her promise to Jenny Craig. But after squirming through the appearance, we ultimately decided one daytime appearance was enough for us to stomach. Kirstie, however, seems to disagree. People is reporting that Alley has just signed a deal with Oprah's Harpo production company to host her very own daytime show (in addition to other potentially televised projects). As Alley herself put it, "Nothing shocks me. I'm a great listener. I'm a good comedian. And I won't lie - I live a beautiful life." But considering the ill fates of both Megan Mullally's and Gabrielle Carteris' attempts to lure housewives into their femme-angled daily circle of televised love, we have to wonder whether or not Kirstie's destined for cancellation, or fierce enough to carry on the tradition of fellow slim-ish daytime host Tyra Banks...

• Singer Paul McCartney's ex Heather Mills was awarded $49 million after four years of marriage. The blog Knife Tricks estimates that's $43,000 per screw — way, way more than so-called-high-priced whore Ashley Dupre ever charged. Apparently Mills wanted even more.

· The beauty of Jewno is in its attention to detail. To wit: a bagels, lox, & cream cheese phone. [YouTube]
· Prince at Coachella! [LAT]
· Today in sci-fi: First glimpses of the Starfleet Nerdcademy. Arthur C. Clarke dies in Sri Lanka at age 90. [aintitcool.com, Reuters]
· Watch Adam Carolla call Carrie Ann Inaba a "bitch" on last night's Dancing with the Stars premiere. [TMZ]
· CBS's godawful sitcoms post higher ratings than ever since returning from the strike. Seriously, though. Just the pits. That Christine one? And the Big Bang one? Ugh. [THR]
· Kirstie Alley has signed a deal with Harpo to develop "future television projects, including a possible daily strip format." We hope that just means a five-episode-per-week syndie, and not that Alley will be prancing around again on the Oprah stage in a bathing suit with any regularity. [ETOnline]

Newly pregnant Lisa Marie Presley is filing a lawsuit against our favorite celebrity body part attacking rag, The Daily Mail, after they reported their disapproval of just how much junk she's packing in her trunk these days. And while the Mail's use of "packing on the pounds" and "gained weight just like her father Elvis" isn't the nicest way to describe her, we've heard much worse over the years. From Val Kilmer ("Batman To Fatman!") to Kirstie Alley ("Too Fat For Sex!"), we rounded up some of the nastier cover stories and worst beach body analyses to put poor Lisa Marie's hormone-filled mind at ease.

PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are submitted by our readers, and are posted several times a week, so send them in often—the fate of the universe relies upon it! Submit yours to tips[AT]defamer.com (please put "sighting" or "PrivacyWatch" in the subject line so we don't lose them) and tell everyone about how the sound of Mickey Rourke's loud snoring prevented you from getting any work done at the Santa Monica Public Library.

When it comes to getting in shape, a few names spring to mind: Richard Simmons, Tony Little, Slim Goodbody, and ... Kirstie Alley? Famous first for replacing Shelly Long on Cheers, then for getting really fat, and then for losing a few pounds, and most recently for gaining a few of them back, Kirstie (aka "Actress") has decided to throw her gigantic hat into the weight-loss ring. Now that the curtains have drawn on her 3-year relationship with Jenny Craig, People is reporting that Alley is developing her own weight-loss brand with a 2009 launch date in mind. She pledges to "create something new that will help millions of people end the seemingly never ending fatty-roller coaster ride."

• Britney Spears' stupid dad took away her stupid booze and set her bedtime at stupid 11 o'clock, but he can't make her keep on her underwear, ha ha! Despite having a Vagina Of Freedom, Spears doesn't get to see her sons, even though K-Fed thinks the toddlers would be a more mature influence on the troubled singer than alleged grown men Sam Lufti and Adnan Ghalib.

Upon hearing The National Enquirer's report that Jenny Craig fired Kirstie Alley because she is just too darn fat, we stopped picturing Jenny as a cute Southern mommy type who just wants us to be healthy and began suspecting she's more like that undermining ex-boyfriend of ours who just wanted us to be Angelina Jolie. Adding extra salt on the wound, Jenny Craig has reportedly replaced her with Queen Latifah, who's pledged to lose 25 pounds as soon as that pesky Pizza Hut contract expires. But the reasons behind the corporate ax may have had less to do with Kirstie's inability to shed pounds, and more to do with a little religion Tom Cruise likes to call Scientology.

Defamer just managed to get our grubby mitts on a secret copy of a strongly-worded letter that "Actress" Kirstie Alley's legal team over at Goldman & Kagon recently sent to US Weekly. In it, the firm asks that United States Weekly sever their relationship with fashionista/comedienne Danica Lo because of an innocuous Scientology joke she made at the expense of billion-year contract escape clause benifitee Nicole Kidman. The joke in question ran in the "Fashion Police" section of the mag and referred to an outfit Kidman wore to the Australian premiere of The Golden Compass, which the tony Miss Lo described as being "specifically designed [to repel] Scientologists." Um, zing? The legal letter and offending picture follow after the jump.

Who knew L. Ron Hubbard was such a superhero? In this recently unearthed clip from Orientation: A Scientology Information Film, two robotically-pitched Scientology mouthpieces claim that LRH singlehandedly unmasked "the government's" system of "mind control" using nothing but his creative genius (saving millions of Earth Human lives along the way). That is, when he wasn't busy being "fully professional" in 29 other fields. The video also includes cultish quippets from "Actress" Anne Archer and "Actress" Kirstie Alley, the latter of whom calmly explains that "without scientology, I would be dead." But it's not just popular-in-the-`80s actresses giving Hubbard praise; hear from opera singers! Fashion designers! Exercise physiologists! And the most flamboyantly gay chef we've ever seen, or heard, in our collective lives.

Proving that its emergency preparedness program is unquestionably the finest in Hollywood—yes, it even shames that of hyper-vigilant ICM—the Church of Scientology sprung into action following news that the spread of the Griffith Park wildfires necessitated the evacuation of many adjacent Los Feliz homes, dispatching their top Level VII Celebrity Disaster Response Tech to make sure residents knew to immediately flee the area. Reports the LAT Breaking News blog:

On today's Oprah (set your DVRs, West Coasters!), legendarily corpulent Scientologist Kirstie Alley, once so professionally hampered by her plus-size frame that she had no choice but to dedicate an entire Showtime series to her inability to get acting work, proudly displays a slimmed down figure made possible by the tireless work of a battalion of Jenny Craig's finest celebrity-starvation technicians. We have to admit that the bikini-clad body Alley shows off is a large improvement over the generously muu-muu'd form the public has known over the past few years, but we fear the transformation is ultimately futile, as the part of our cortex responsible for processing Alley-related visual stimuli was long ago scarred beyond repair by her fudgecicle-deepthroating pay-cable misadventures, preventing any new images of the Fat Actress from ever taking root in our brains.

PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are submitted by our readers, and are now posted several times a week—so start sending them in more often. Send yours to tips[AT]defamer.com (please put "sighting" or "PrivacyWatch" in the subject line) and let the world hear all about the time you spotted television's Blossom, Mayim Bialik, looking so damn fine she nearly knocked the gay right out of you.

· The world has officially gone three different flavors of batshit insane: Showtime will rush the Fat Actress Season One DVD into stores, presumably accompanied by a tour of video stores where Kirstie Alley will be challenged to eat and/or have sex with anything you put in front of her, emitting her trademark high-pitched whine the entire time.
· Hey, look, another one of those animated GIFs where Paris Hilton/Lindsay Lohan/Brad Pitt/small dogs pretend to talk on the phone!
· New Calcanis blogging fiefdom TV Squad argues that Arrested Development should be canceled, but in an ironic way that suggests that it shouldn't actually be canceled. No need to go burn down their blog, AD fans.
· Why is this so funny to us? Oh, probably because Wonkette is down in Austin, having parties thrown for her at SXSW, and we're about to go find out how much money we owe the government.
· Finally, you now have the opportunity to buy crap at JC Penney inspired by the crap you've long admired on Cribs!
· Oh, we nearly forgot: Bijou Phillips has at least one nipple.

We feel confident in naming this the press release of the week on a Thursday, knowing that it's going to take an HBO announcement that March 6th is "Cocksucker Day" in honor of Deadwood's premiere to top this:

The NY Daily News's Rush & Molloy lead today's column with a healthy salad-tossing for the salad-impaired Kirstie Alley and her upcoming show:

A spy offers a sneak preview of Kirstie Alley's upcoming Showtime abomination Fat Actress that indicates the the show is going to be far more cringe-inducing than we'd feared. If you manage to get past the part about "deep-throating a fudgesicle," you have a much heartier constitution than we do. We fainted dead away like a Southern belle succumbing to a nasty bout of the vapours the second our brain maliciously conjured that image.