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A spy offers a sneak preview of Kirstie Alley's upcoming Showtime abomination Fat Actress that indicates the the show is going to be far more cringe-inducing than we'd feared. If you manage to get past the part about "deep-throating a fudgesicle," you have a much heartier constitution than we do. We fainted dead away like a Southern belle succumbing to a nasty bout of the vapours the second our brain maliciously conjured that image.

I saw it this week. Let me just kick things off with this mental movie, which has been on an anamorphic loop-of-trauma since I saw the tape: Kirstie Alley, moaning in lingerie, deep-throating a fudgesicle during a "hilarious" sex scene with the black guy who played the lead on the sitcom "Hangin' With Mr. Cooper." While he smacks her ass and calls her "bootylicious." But it's empowering, right? And it's just nice to finally see a woman who looks REAL on screen, right? Right? (Crickets)

The thing's way too much of a trainwreck to even contemplate whether or not the show is exploitative. And Kirstie and Co. will handily sidestep any discussion about whether the fat jokes are offensive with all of the unbelievably racist material! (The plot of the first one finds Kirstie moaning about not getting laid (dry heave), and deciding she needs to find a black guy (since they like fat women) — cut to her at a soul food restaurant hitting on guys, then bedding the aforementioned Mr. Cooper (requisite jokes about him having a huge dick), who plays a TV exec who is drooling over her fat ass with bug eyes and a grin). It's really awful. I'll give Kirstie this, though — despite the Travolta cameo, she wasn't able to work in a Narconon pitch anywhere in the first episode. I really can't wait until she breaks out the e-meter, of course.

With the direction the series appears to be headed, should Alley's Scientology e-meter ever appear it's either going to be immediately doused in ketchup for a snack or used as a kinky sex prop. Or, God forbid, both.