Jasmine Fike is a 15-year-old Colorado teen who had decided she wanted to run away from home. But she didn't want it to look like she'd run away, concocting instead an elaborate hoax that made it seem as if she had been kidnapped by a former drug dealer she'd met only once. (Because if there's any way to prevent people from looking for you, it's to make it seem like you've been abducted. Great, teenager logic!)

Maybe it's because parents aren't getting married these days due to the decay of the moral fiber of our nation and with it any chance we had for keeping ourselves on the side of righteousness and god's glory, but man: parents these days sure are dumb. About everything, sure, but specifically about their stupid kids' stupid schools:

Twelve-year-old Dale Ostrander was swimming in the Pacific Ocean in Washington with his church youth group on Friday when he was dragged underwater by a riptide. He was submerged for 20 minutes before rescue workers found him. Now he's just, you know, totally fine.

An Australian mother is pitching a fit because her daughter won "Best Personality" at a children's beauty pageant, which is evidence of anti-meritocratic judgment, she says, because her daughter's personality sucks. The Herald-Sun reports,

You know the economy sucks when parents start cheating their kids out of tooth fairy cash. A poll found that the average rate for a kid's tooth has dropped from $3 to $2.60. You cheap jerks.

Back in April, the Fine Brothers played Rebecca Black's "Friday" for a bunch of kids and recorded their reactions. Not surprisingly, the children hated the song. But what about "My Moment," Black's new single and message for the naysayers? Surely they'd appreciate it more, right? Not so much, as you'll see in the clip above.

A 38-year-old cop in Indiana, John Newcomb, was arrested Wednesday night after he side-swiped a parked car with his truck and then plowed into a tree, apparently while he was drunk. A woman who heard the crash and saw the immediate aftermath gave some details of the scene to local news channel WAVE 3. The best part of this otherwise average drunk driving-cop story is the trailer Newcomb was pulling :

Short-fused Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel has formally decreed that all children below the age of 12 must be off the streets by 8:30 p.m. on school nights, and 9 p.m. on Fridays and Saturdays, saying, "It brings a level of responsibility and accountability to our streets and in our homes."

Citizens of Las Cruces, NM and protectors of decency everywhere are outraged after a photo surfaced in which Chuck E. Cheese, known mouse pizza mascot, appeared to be giving "The Finger" while posing for a photo with a 4-year-old boy.

Every time we try to look away from 51-year-old Lost actor Doug Hutchison and 16-year-old country singer Courtney Stodden, their freakshow antics suck us back in. In a new E! interview, they pass a Yorkie back and forth, rubbing noses and giggling about Courtney losing her virginity. "He's a tiger," Courtney teases, moving in for a hug. "You're so bad," Doug replies, burying his face in her chest.

Good Morning America has gone ahead and created a non-issue out of a few Dads feeling weird about their sons wearing pink. We know how much GMA loves their panels, so they gathered a group of fathers and a separate group of little dudes to get some opinions on the non-matter. The series of questioning involved the interviewer raising a tiara in her hand and asking, gravely, "What would you say if your son wanted to wear this to school?" Dum-dum-DUM!

A new study published in the Journal of the American Medical Association proposes taking obese children away from their parents until their weight can be brought under control.

People may be having fewer children than ever before, but have you noticed that the ones they are having keep gravitating directly to you — screaming through transatlantic flights, filling their diapers on crowded subways, whipping silverware at your head during romantic meals, etc.? Well, one man has, and he's decided to do something about it. McDain's, a driving range-side eatery in Pennsylvania, has instated a new policy: No more kids under six.

Thanks to America's stupid "child labor laws," you can't force your kids to work at your law firm this summer. That means: Summer camp. But which camp to choose? You don't want just any old collection of log cabins around a lake filled with children's bodies. No: You need a place with evidence-based instruction and measurable skill-development!

In our crazy mixed-up classist system in which poor kids can't even afford homework while rich kids spend endlessly on fancy tutors and private schools only to end up dumb, isn't it time we just gave up?

Everyone who came of age in the post-cell phone era had a friend whose parents called them every five minutes to "check in" and/or yell at them about cleaning their room. Stop doing that, parents: You're hurting your relationship with your kid.

The surprised-by-Beyonce dance party has struck again! After sneaking up on some schoolgirls in May, Beyonce shocked the crowd gathered for a Boys & Girls Club event at a Harlem Target store on Thursday when she appeared out of nowhere and began dancing along to her new song "Countdown" with some very happy young fans. Because that's just how she rolls. [via ONTD]

A public preschool in a liberal part of Stockholm has created an environment where gendered pronouns are not used, the children are referred to as "friends" instead of "boys and girls," and toys are deliberately gender neutral. Sounds crazy!

A 7-year-old kid in Michigan stole his stepfather's Pontiac Sunfire and drove more than 20 miles at speeds above 50 miles an hour. When police finally stopped him, he was wearing his pajamas and crying that he wanted to go visit his father. Aw, it's almost cute!

George Somogyi and his 17-year-old daughter Rianna "share a biting, sardonic sense of humor of the Monty Python variety." So dad figured he'd take out a $500 joke ad in his daughter's senior yearbook without telling her.