Thanks to America's stupid "child labor laws," you can't force your kids to work at your law firm this summer. That means: Summer camp. But which camp to choose? You don't want just any old collection of log cabins around a lake filled with children's bodies. No: You need a place with evidence-based instruction and measurable skill-development!

And many parents, Mr. Black says, want something more for their money. They want their children to come home with a better tennis serve, say, or a stronger backstroke, or perhaps a better technique for making chocolate soufflé.

"It is not enough anymore to just go to camp to have fun and make friends and improve independence and self-esteem," Mr. Black says. "Some parents want actual takeaways. They want to see skills, achievements, patches and certificates."

Fun? Friends? Self-esteem?! What do you think this is—Sarah Lawrence?? The modern parent demands skills! Achievements! Patches! Certificates! Awards! Level-ups! Facebook Likes! If your camp doesn't teach your child how to apply to Harvard, you might as well literally put her in jail, right now. When your kid gets home, make him bake you a chocolate soufflé. Did his technique improve? No? Disown him. And then sue the camp.

[NYT, Shutterstock]