An eight-year-old Florida boy donated his turtle, Tomalina, to an aquarium. While he was there, an alligator ate it. The boy screamed "Oh no alligator, let it go," while it crunched on the shell. He'll never donate to charity again.

America's awful parents: if they're not taping their kids to the wall, then they're overparenting them, starting in kindergarten, so they can "get into Harvard" in 15 years. For example: even pre-literate toddlers are too smart for picture books.

Last weekend marked an outrageous and ignoble milestone of disillusionment for more than a hundred Yale students: New Haven police rudely broke up their party as if they were regular townies. Needless to say, academe is aflame.

Firefighters rushed to a Wisconsin Walmart to free a little boy who had crawled into one of those toy vending machines with the giant claw. He was having so much fun playing there, he did not want to come out.

Congressman Ted Poe took his grandson to the House floor earlier this week, to show the youngster American democracy in action! The grandson clearly wasn't impressed, however, and comically struggled to stay awake while grandpa shared terrifying domestic violence tales.

In NYC, two-thirds of primary schools saw their scores decline in progress reports. In Chicago, parents are holding a sit-in protest to save their children's after-school center. Only the suburban schools are properly educating kids. By treating them like idiots.

20-year-old Harley Davidson Ironwing—a known accomplice of "Barefoot Bandit" Colton Harris-Moore—was given an 18-month jail sentence after he knocked over an old man during a botched string cheese heist at a grocery store. That's some luck. [Everett Herald]

Margaret Matthews, a 68 year-old Chicago woman, was reportedly being "terrorized" by a group of middle school vandals in her neighborhood. So when one of them broke her window, she shot him. He's 12. She's already a folk hero.

A three-year-old in Lake City, Florida, brought 20 grams of marijuana to school before another student ratted him out to the teacher. They start them early these days, don't they? And since when do three-year-olds go to school?

Pointedly ignoring the fact that most schools are worthless, While Obama is trying to hire 10,000 new teachers. Great, just what our kids need (*sarcasm punctuation mark*). More science, chess, Chinese classes...what our kids need is self-defense. Nerds!

A school in New Zealand last week held a Possum Hunt and Gala, where students shot possums and then competed in a carcass-throwing contest. Answering critics, principal Colin Martin said, "Colyton School is about letting kids be kids."

In a story on the rise of for-profit private schools in NYC, the NYT highlights a demographic trend that could spell disaster: in Manhattan, there are more rich kids than private school slots. What will the rich kids do?

With the crisis of worthless (or not?) college degrees getting old, media outlets must find a new way to scare parents about the many mistakes they've made in their child's education. To the rescue: Is your child a "school-refusal" freak?

Old people in Britain sure are worried about young people drinking. After a new survey, the Red Cross has suggested young people be taught first aid to help their friends when they drink too much. That's probably a good idea.

When tabloid sex columnist Andrea Peyser is not being inappropriately sexual about adults, she's worrying about The Children. What's their future? Will they fall victim to gays? Will they tap that? Will they be denied their right to sexxxy time?

"Hey Dawg, do you have a $20 I can buy right now?" was the text message a Montana teen thought he was sending to his weed dealer. But he got the number wrong and sent it to the local sheriff.

Boys all over New York are copying Justin Bieber's iconic mop top, a look he stole from lesbians. Like we said, they think it's cool and chicks dig it. But what does this mean for their future?

First, there were paid internships. Those were okay. Then, there were unpaid internships. Those were just slightly better than nothing. Now, there are internships you pay for, which won't even get you a high-paying job. Those are a scam.

The average teenager sends nearly 3,000 texts a month. Experts say that kids these days are literally addicted to texting. Wow. Talk about a shitty addiction. Where's the glamor? We have the formula for breaking this useless, unsexy addiction.

It's rough out there for law school grads. Faced with loads of debt, a worthless degree, and few career prospects, some have already resorted to getting worthwhile jobs. Others have a better idea: complaining about it.