Who are the real victims of our government's Puritan frenzy to ban Four Loko for good? College kids—who the ban is supposed to help—and hardworking small businesspersons. Paging the Republican Congress! Your wedge issue is here!

Baby radiation! Benadryl doom! AIDS pill! Boomer sex! Large 'n lovely! Birth defects! Attitude gratitude! Youth strength! Salt intake! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—with unrestrained glee, and that's not a teevee show!

Kyle Shaw, the 19-year-old who set off a bomb outside a Manhattan Starbucks last year in a Fight Club-inspired bit of anarchist idiocy, has been sentenced to 3.5 years in prison. Speaking as a former teen idiot: that seems harsh.

Alarming recent news: "a new trend called 'robo tripping,'" is proving "kids will try anything to get high." Are you doing enough to "protect your teenagers from cough suppressants"? Beware. This is, after all, a brand new trend.

Speaking of sexxxy college library stunts: At N.C. State University, freshman Seth Pace's school spirit compelled him to dash nude through the school library, knocking 1,000 books off the shelves. The next naked library student's an official trend-establisher!

Cunning young criminal Colton Harris-Moore, the "Barefoot Bandit" who stole airplanes, boats and credit cards, was indicted by a federal grand jury in Seattle yesterday for "piloting an aircraft without a valid airman's certificate" and many other less fun-sounding crimes.

Scientific research has proved that "hyper-texting" teens—those who send 120 or more texts per day—are derelict, horny druggies. Well, at least compared to teens who text less, they are. Hyper-texters also like to fight and binge drink.

Is your mollycoddled teenager playing you for a fool? It seems likely. They can't do their homework without a pricey assistant at their side; but they can make more money than you promoting tween parties. Parents, wake up!

Daniel Reimold, who's made an academic career out of reading college sex columns all day, is back with some insights gleaned from reading college sex columns. All college kids, it seems, have three things in common. You know it, girl.

The L.A. Coliseum was barred from holding raves after a 15-year-old died of a drug overdose there earlier this year. The ban was overturned by a commission yesterday because no one died at the last two raves held there.

When the two most powerful commercial forces in the known universe—Justin Bieber and Wal-Mart—join forces, what hope is there for any of us? Soon, Justin Bieber will drench your tween daughters in his own scent. Like a dog.

A 14-year-old kid last weekend left his orphanage in Siberia, robbed a grocery store and hid in the landing gear of a turboprop airplane. The plane took off, and he somehow survived a 50-minute flight wearing a light jacket.

Let us now give praise to some college kids who did something clever and upstanding. Their school was plagued by a shouting, anti-gay preacher. The school couldn't legally kick him out. Solution? Students took their own message to his church.

In America, we trust our kids to responsibly consume rum and coke, or vodka and Red Bull, or six crushed-up Vivarins dissolved in a Solo cup full of Everclear. But caffeine and alcohol in the same can? Absolutely not.

A 10-year-old Chinese boy on Monday fell from the window of his family's 20th floor apartment and miraculously survived by crashing through the rear windshield of a car. China's Xinhua News reports a pillow in the backseat cushioned his head.

Two Syrian kids, Khalid and Hala, met on a family trip and "fell in love." Their parents arranged their engagement with the wedding scheduled for 2020. When I was five, I proposed to Velma from Scooby-Doo. Thankfully she said no.

This is just unbelievable: A new study in the medical journal Pediatrics found that 52 percent of teens were more likely to test positive for cocaine than they were to admit they use it. Kids lie about using drugs?! [CNN]

France is still totally going off over the government's plan to up the retirement age from 60 to 62. Here, high schoolers in Lyon flip a car, which looks way more fun than going to class. [Image via AP]

There are lots of somewhat disturbing studies out about children's online presence, and the adult creepiness that inevitably follows. Like this guy, and this guy, and this guy. Are oversharing parents endangering their children? Taiwan's Next Media Animation finds out!

Last Saturday night, there was an off-campus party at Northwestern University. A big one! So big that the neighbors complained to the school about students pissing, throwing up, having sex, and "hollering about "Bl** J*bs." The Dean is apoplectic.