Bookending this day is yet another awesome dad/kid combo: Urged on by her father, a 5-year-old girl uses homemade tools to demonstrate her lock picking skills on a genuine "tough under fire" Master Lock.

Two siblings subject their three-year-old brother to the Rise And Shine Test by blasting Nirvana's "Breed" at full volume on the car's stereo while he's fast asleep in the backseat.

A new Tennessee law will make the state's sex education policies even stricter: teachers are now barred from condoning any genital contact, which is considered "gateway sexual activity."

Kids these days: what the hell are they? That is the question that faces American time-wasters today. As you know, the latest generation with a formal name is "The Millennials," and they are basically the worst, continuing the grand tradition of every new generation being the worst.

At long last, incontrovertible proof that LMFAO is destroying the youth of America.

During a visit with his mom to The Metropolitan Museum of Art last summer, 13-year-old Benjamin Lerman Coady of West Hartford, Connecticut, learned a valuable lesson: Museums can sometimes be wrong.

Why do people go to grad school? It all depends. In "the humanities," people generally go to grad school because they like to smoke marijuana, or because they dislike the prospect of finding a "real job," or—and this one is key to the whole grad school house of cards—because they "want to teach." The elusive and illusive prospect of a career in academia helps many kids justify spending tens of thousands of dollars on a graduate degree that qualifies them for no other jobs. Strangely, people who major in fields that have actual applicability to the world outside of college campuses have other career goals.

Two teenage girls who were sunbathing in the middle of a rural road in Beaver County, Pennsylvania, were hit by a car after falling asleep.

Kids these days don't know about money. The problem, as laid out in this USA Today story, is devastatingly simple: today's high school students can't pass simple tests of financial literacy, even though they will most likely be heavily in debt and facing poor job prospects within a decade. Furthermore, most states don't teach kids anything about the topic.

A promotional video for the BBC's nature documentary series Planet Earth featuring children "auditioning" to replace narrator David Attenborough by adorably attempting to read his script?

Kids caught on camera messing around the tracks inside the Kingston Avenue subway station in Brooklyn would be brought to the attention of the police, said Metropolitan Transportation Authority spokesman Charles Seaton who added this no-brainer directed at those who have no brain: "Playing on or near subway tracks is one of the most dangerous things anyone can do."

When a young move-buster named Sandy Lee Wyatt the Third recorded a video of himself getting funky with a bowl of his favorite soup, he had no idea it would end up getting him "more attention on tumblr than a girl with summer wear at high school," but that's precisely what happened.

How do you babyproof a house against a 10-month-old who can do pull ups? That's the question YouTuber treaangel asked herself when she spotted baby Jonas trying to lift himself off the floor to get a closer look at the computer screen.

Remember how you were watching your personal DVD of the Chris Stokes silver screen classic You Got Served and thought to yourself "man, this movie could really use a stronger Lord of the Flies vibe"?

What are teens "screwing" up now, literally, more or less, ha ha? Teen pregnancy. Easiest god damn thing in the world. Takes nothing more than peer pressure, lax parenting, and copious amounts of "sizzurp." Still, kids these days can't even get that right.

For millennia, media that comes on screens has operated on a very simple premise: they show you entertaining things like Three's Company for free, and in return, you sit there and watch the ads. Very simple. And guess who is now fucking up this wondrous model of passive infotainment? That's right: kids these days.

Now look, before all of you undergrad business majors get all hot under your golf shirt collars and start angrily pounding on your cubicle walls and throwing around your fraternity-branded shot glasses: this is not from me, okay? This is from "The Wall Street Journal," a newspaper that you may have heard of at some point in one of your business classes. (If you haven't, that's okay.) It's not that business majors are bad. Not at all. You're just not as sharp as the other kids.

Kids these days are sellouts. As you know. As soon as they set foot on a college campus, boom, they all want to become a "brand ambassador" for some energy drink company or casual clothing brand in order to bless the brand with the hot sexxxy "halo effect" that their young, nubile, innocent bodies offer. Sweet innocence of youth; thou shalt be the biggest generation of corporate sellouts ever, forsooth. Even worse: sellouts these days are nerds.

Your baby: it has some issues. Let's be real. Its baby skin is... not so perfect. Nothing you'd want to be seen in public with. Your baby's beauty reflects on you. The good news: your baby's hideousness is nothing that hundreds of dollars worth of beauty products can't temporarily fix.

Jennifer Coburn is a published author and a full-grown adult. She has a 14 year-old daughter named Katie. Katie just broke up with her boyfriend. How do we know? Because Jennifer Coburn told us all. Thanks, mom.