"Nice Hair, Claire?" Stop Right There! See Me Reach? Aw Gee, Teach! No More Touchin' While You're Lunchin'! Principal's Principle Deserves Ridicule: No Caresses for Classmate's Tresses! Grinch Puts the Cinch on Friendly Clench. Pity the Itty-Bitty Kiddies. "Cuddle at Home, You Snuggling Gnomes! School Is Where Knowledge Is Grown, Not Your Bone! No More 'Likes,' You Porny Tykes! Tween Wet Dreams Should Remain Unseen. I Know You're Grinding Whilst Intertwining! Don't Be Petting While You're Still Bed-Wetting. Hands to Yourself, You Miscreant Whelps! Doing Drugs? Fine, But No Hugs!"

Haters: when will this "Millennial" generation get to stop dealing with them? Probably never, if a new study in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology (and Haterz) is any indication. Contrary to the common knowledge on Twitter that Millennials are the most special and in general best generation thus far, the study found that they are, in fact, "more civically and politically disengaged, more focused on materialistic values, and less concerned about helping the larger community than were GenX (born 1962-1981) and Baby Boomers (born 1946 to about 1961) at the same ages."

Despite the fact that they have been bombarded since birth with public service announcements ranging from grim depictions of throat surgery to "cool" social media campaigns portraying cigarettes as a product consumed only by suckers, kids these days continue to smoke cigarettes, according to the U.S. Surgeon General, who has warned them about this a million times. Kids these days. What's wrong with kids these days?

Let's learn about Harvard kids and their senses of humor! A Harvard tipster sends us the following explanation for the video you see above:

ABC News points us to an editorial that claims nearly 10% of medical students in the UK, up from 6% in 2006, know someone who has participated in sex work in an effort to pay off the rising cost of medical school.

Are school vending machines causing obesity amongst America's youth? Haha, haha, yeah right. Eating one dozen Cadbury "Creme" eggs in the closet at midnight while typing furiously on Twitter is causing obesity amongst America's youth. Still, every little calorie saved helps, when it comes to our corn-syrup-addicted children. The government is setting new guidelines for what can be in school vending machines. What (vending machine) food should be put on (the kids in) our families (in school)?

Fearless Washington, DC TV reporter Andrea McCarren is fearless enough to take on that most taboo of subjects: kids these days. With the drinking, and the boozing. These teenagers and their drunkenness. But lo: a bunch of drunk teens were too much even for fearless reporter Andrea McCarren.

Kids these days: what is up with their love lives? Well, it's complicated.

We're all adults here. It's time that we practiced a bit of brutal honesty. This is something that we—as a friend—feel that you should really know. Your baby is ugly.

In Arizona, America's greatest state, parenting is proceeding as expected: via sexting. Would sexual shaming via sexting work to control your teen's natural hot sexxxy nude photo urges? One man was brave enough to find out.

Let's get one thing clear: Randye Hoder, a mom, is no narc. She is such a non-narc that she wrote an entire column in the New York Times' parenting blog about how she would never narc, no matter what her 14 year-old son Nathaniel (who has her husband's last name, Wartzman) tells her.

There was a brief period in the history of human development in which it was imagined that making children "feel good" about themselves would have a positive effect on children's ability to learn facts and adapt to social norms. This period is now over, and good riddance. Let's tell these fucking kids just how wrong they are about things.

Might as well get THIS one out of the way: the Sex/ Internet/ Microfame story of the week comes to us courtesy of Kat Stoeffel at the New York Observer, who introduces us to 21 year-old college student and occasional writer-about-sex on the internet "Marie Calloway" (a pseudonym). Sometimes Marie writes about sex, on Tumblr, or on Thought Catalog. Does this make her "the model for literary seductresses" in the "internet age?" No. It just makes her a girl, with a Tumblr.

Have you reached the age of 23? Have you been arrested yet? If not, you are some sort of weirdo and/ or nerd. That is the scientific conclusion which must be draw from a new study that proves that getting arrested is no big deal now, mom, get off my back.

Thought Catalog, the Slate.com of urban 25-year-old creative writing majors (and their spiritual kin) who are incapable of being boring, is redefining the art of blog post writing for a new and vibrant generation. Today's "The Different Types Of People You See At The Gym" is but one example of the fresh, unexplored literary frontiers that they are, you know, exploring. What other types of posts can you find on Thought Catalog?

Columbia Journalism School kids exploring "The Elements of Style" in hip hop form? Don't make that rap video.

Add this to the list of Wall Street's problems: kids these days don't think banks are "cool" any more, for some reason. (Kids. You know?) The NYT says that even Yale kids are protesting when Morgan Stanley comes to campus to recruit their peers who know how to pick out a decent suit, which is probably... the best thing Yalies have ever done.

A maniac of a 14-year-old girl (they're all maniacs) went on a pepper spray rampage, spraying down a classroom of students and sending nine to the hospital. Remember all the worst scenes in Mean Girls when Lindsay Lohan imagines the high school as a chaotic wild animal kingdom? It was just like that but with pepper stray. And in Harlem.

What is the latest cutting edge trend in the education of our best and brightest children? Blocks. Playing with blocks, made of wood. They wrote a whole damn story about it, in the newspaper there.

What is it with kids these days? In my day, teenagers were all getting pregnant and it was a big crisis, very "punk rock." Nowadays kids are barely having babies at all. Have you kids completely given up?