Of course not, you're not a moron.

Adults interrogating children about Big Person Issues on camera is a completely original concept that was definitely invented by the Internet. But since it's been a gnarly Friday afternoon, let's cleanse our eyeballs with this short clip of kids talking about the 2012 presidential election at a Brooklyn block party. You will learn that the White House is located . . . at the beach! You vote by . . . getting some cardboard! The one character all the children of the world would unanimously vote for . . . is Spongebob!

High school students around the country are bellyaching that not enough food is being served during lunch following the institution of new limits on portion size.

Item: "Obese kids — even as early as age 6 — can start showing changes to their heart muscles that could lead to problems later."

What good is a kids pool party without the constant fear of someone getting eaten?

Trend science is a delicate art. The progression of a group or a place or an activity from "strange" to "offbeat" to "trendy" to "hateful" is one that can often only be precisely decoded by experts such as ourselves, or whatever other assholes have opinions on the internet. For example: we know for sure that urban farming is now a trend that can be classified as fully fauxhemian, and irrationally mocked accordingly. But what about kids who go to college, and then become farmers, out there in the country, where the farms are? Are they proper targets for our self-loathing turned outwards, yet?

A Kentucky teen was jailed for two days after posting a status update on Facebook boasting about hitting a car while driving under the influence.

Sexting: the clicky sticky menace. Is your plucky teenager—honors student, Girl/ Boy Scout, churchgoer—utilizing the cell phone that you provided him or her with "just for emergencies" for another purpose altogether? The purpose of typing out "what are u wearing" to a member of the opposite or same sex as his or her loins swell in anticipation of the reply, "jeans u?"

Does factual evidence show that we are living in a bold new "Age of Aquarius" in which young people throw off the strictures of their square parents' uptight generation and forge their own path, outside of the square uptight money-focused world where everything is always about money and shit? The answer is a resounding "yes, dad." For not only are The Youth giving up on law school—they're giving up on business school, as well.

The "Little Spinners" pole dancing class at the Twisted Grip Dance and Fitness studio in Duncan, British Columbia, is definitely causing a few heads to spin.

A 13-year-old Texas girl in serious puppy love with a 12-year-old Kentucky boy she met through online gaming stole her mom's debit card and her brother's car and took off Wednesday night to meet her flame.

Two talented siblings, drummer boy Izzy and his fairy-winged sister Aaralyn, have joined forces with their (unseen) guitarist dad Jason to form Murp — the most adorable deathcore band this side of the apocalypse.

A 13-year-old Salisbury, North Carolina, boy who really didn't want to do his homework reportedly threatened his babysitter with a knife after she asked him several times to hit the books.

An elementary school math teacher from Atlanta was fired from her job after she allegedly provided students with answers during a test she was supervising.

Honolulu mayoral candidate Kirk Caldwell's daughter burned dad's opponent's campaign sign with bong and posted photos.

The lamestream media would have you believe that the greedy little wastrel "Millennial" generation should actually be called "Generation Y." Do not believe this Millennialist propaganda, gentle readers. They are Millennials, and they are the best. And they're coming to take over your workplace with their youthful, self-indulgent demands.

It's half-past August, and you know what that means in No Child Left Behind the 7-11 Without Some Book-Learnin' America: it's time for your unruly, ungrateful, and uncomprehending children to put down their childish toys of summers and return to the cold, gleaming socialization boxes in which we warehouse them virtually year-round, for the good of everyone.

Backed North Community Beats and Rhymes — a YMCA-affiliated afterschool program — a group of snack-spitting tykes calling themselves the Y.N.RichKids have just dropped their latest joint: A finger-licking ode to their favorite anytime junk food — "Hot Cheetos & Takis."

This "millennial" generation of youngsters these days—is there any respected institution which they cannot ruin merely by being themselves? It seems not. For thousands of years, Buddhist monks have had a good thing going: they sit. They chant. They chill. And now? "Me-first" teenage monks these days are using the internet to destroy everything, as usual.

A Yahoo! Answers user who posted an urgent request for help with a book report on DC Pierson's The Boy Who Couldn't Sleep And Never Had To received a reply from the most unlikely source: The author himself.