When John George III posted a Facebook status update promising his fellow high school students "a big surprise tomorrow," he thought it was clear that classmates should expect him to show up to school dressed like Santa Claus, given that he does so every year.

The up-and-coming young "Millennial" generation, comprised of a bunch of soup-slurping microbloggers who mistakenly believe that they are creating rather than following trends, is ready to accept it distinction as the biggest bunch of sellouts coolest generation that history has yet produced. They have an inherent ability—born, perhaps, of a sensitive attunement to the standards of truth and beauty which no machine can replicate—to tell you exactly what is cool, about an advertisement.

Michael Canaii (pictured, on throne) is the father of a high school-aged daughter here in New York City. And when he heard rumors that his daughter was acting out in adolescent rebellion, he did what any good father would do: showed up at her high school "swinging a heavy chain with a padlock" while threatening to "fight anyone in his path," all while demanding, "Who's fucking my daughter?"

A Madison-based cancer support group named after legendary Saturday Night Live player Gilda Radner has announced that it will be changing its name to accommodate younger patients unfamiliar with the iconic comic, who passed away of ovarian cancer in 1989.

Four Ohio college students were indicted earlier this month on a multitude of drug charges, after they were caught last May trying to steal chemicals from a school chemistry lab in order to cook up some ecstasy in "an empty dorm room." An all too typical tale. For purposes of instruction—and to ensure that future college ecstasy labs are more professionally run—allow us to examine what mistakes they made in their budding criminal enterprise, all detailed exhaustively in this Plain-Dealer story:

The Internet has had to endure its fair share of stupid fads, but a new one emerging in the UK may have permanently raised the inanity bar for gerundial "crazes" everywhere.

Fans of David Sedaris will know that Christmas in Europe can get weird. And this Christmas boys will be boys but also girls will be boys.

For the fortunate ones who don't know, Thought Catalog is a site where millennials go to write about sex, Xanax, other drugs, and what it's like to live in Brooklyn. Some might even call it a "me-centric angst dump." Thought Catlog is now here to save the publishing industry with their very own line of e-books.

There was a time, Ad Age tells us, when canned soup or cereal were considered "easy" foods to prepare and consume. Can you imagine? The package-opening, the pouring-out, the adding of milk or water—if that was "easy," people in the olden days must have had it rough! Kids these days know better. For America's Greatest Generation—the Millennials—the future of food is a simple process of raising the Tater Stuffer™ from the rotating 7-11 heating case into one's mouth in one smooth, painless motion.

A nine-year-old from Ukraine is no longer loved by his parents after he blew their entire life's savings on nose candy for the mouth (regular candy), according to Russian news agency RIA Novosti.

Following President Obama's re-election last night, rational people (conservative and liberal alike) continued on with their lives, business as usual. But in Mississippi, this was not to be.

"Didn't know they were learning about politics in preschool," mom Sara writes in the video description.

A pair of Wisconsin parents took a decidedly modern approach toward punishing their daughter when she misbehaved recently: They confiscated her phone and used it to take several photos of themselves doing silly faces, which they subsequently uploaded to her Facebook page.

Parents of students at Piedmont High School in Piedmont, California, received a letter from the principal last week alerting them to the existence of an extracurricular game among male varsity athletes involving the receipt of "score points" in exchange for sexual activities with female students.

"The Backbone Zone" is "an innovative approach to bystander intervention" that encourages students to stand up against sexist and homophobic slurs.

Every child has wished at one point or another that he or she would walk into school and there would be banners announcing that all homework had been cancelled forever. Of course, God would never answer the prayers of little American boys and girls — but he has heard the cries of French schoolchildren, and their wish is now, almost, a reality.

A three-year-old boy and his brother-in-law playing wiffle ball for all of one second.

In just a few short years we've been able to watch little Justin Bieber grow from boy to man to ... Phish head? It seems on his current tour, the Canadian wünderkind has been playing parts of three different Phish songs: "Sand," "First Tube" and "Divided Sky."

If you're the kind of person who cries at animal movies, you don't want to read this.

Cecelia Crawford of Pike Road, Alabama, was more upset than most by Mitt Romney's vow to eliminate federal funding for PBS despite his affinity for Big Bird and Jim Lehrer.