• Martha Stewart has settled her civil suit with the SEC for insider trading, forced to pony up only $195K (insignificant pennies to her). Much more bruising is the other part of the agreement, which bars her from serving as CEO or senior official at any publicly-held company for the next 5 years. Including her own Martha Stewart Omnimedia. Nothing in the settlement forbidding a puppet regime... [NYT]
• After all that silly Cocaine Kate crap, model Kate Moss is bigger than ever. See, children? Drugs are good. [Made in Brazil]
• The Economist lurves Fall Out Boy. [FoM]
• Menace II...the Poconos? [AP]
• Calling all Lee Majors fans: unite in the quest to see The Fall Guy on DVD. [Jalopnik]
• We fail to see how a printable map of the celebrity whereabouts is any less life-threatening than our silly map. [NYM]
• Greg Gutfeld on fear. Lots and lots of fear. [HuffPo]
• Blue States Lose, but the European Union loses with a certain je ne sais quoi. [Logged Hours]
• Conde Nast to launch a website called Flip, aimed at "fuelling teenagers' ambition," so that said youth may someday go on to become ruthless, backstabbing Conde assistants. [AdAge]
• Paris Hilton claims that she is going celibate. If a celebutwat shuts her legs when no one's around, does she make a sound? [AP]

• David Hasselhoff is barred from Wimbledon because he sweats vodka and tried to get in without a ticket, screaming, "Do you know who I am? I'm the Hoff!" David, that shit only works on the set of Baywatch Nights. [Page Six]
• Nicky Hilton plans to open her own chain of hotels. The girl loves a challenge. [People]
• Hillary Clinton refuses to cooperate with writer Gail Sheehy for her forthcoming profile in Vanity Fair, maybe because Sheehy is seen attending events in a bright orange blazer. [Lowdown]
• Get photographed with some blow, and you'll raise your income by $11 million. Sears Portrait Studio, here we come! [Page Six]
• Russell Crowe and Danielle Spencer give birth to a baby boy; Crowe promptly punches baby in the face. [Us Weekly]
• Johnny Damon smoked pot as a kid. Related: new study finds that some teens drink alcohol. [R&M]

• Though the financial details have yet to be settled, Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson are a very short stone's throw from becoming legally divorced, freeing Jessica to marry her father. [TMZ]
• A British literary magazine has published a poem written by Kate Moss for her then-beau, crackhead Pete Doherty: You love them more than you love me/So that's why I could cry all day long/that's why I can't breathe. Watch out, Donald Hall. [Page Six]
• A fight breaks out after someone tries to photograph the Black Eyed Peas at a club in Berlin. Gee, that was worth it. [R&M]
• Dan Rather won't touch Walter Cronkite with a ten-foot-pole. Maybe if the pole were longer than the tongue of a black Alabama rattler. [Page Six]
• MSNBC HATES TRANNIES: Rita Cosby's show will be cancelled in July. [Lowdown]
• When he was a wee lad, Mekhi Pfieffer was best known as the kid who went and pissed on his classmates' coats. [disco-not-disco]

• Kate Moss will not be charged with possession stemming from her September '05 cover shoot with the UK's Daily Mirror. Apparently something about a lack of evidence or being able to definitively prove she was bumping rails of blow and not, say, powdered sugar. You know how those skinny models love their powdered sugar! [Guardian]
• Heath Ledger and Michelle Williams didn't mean to snub Howard Stern at Nobu last week; they were just having "a very deep conversation about something in our personal life," says Ledger. Go ahead and read into that all you want, but they were likely just whining about Brooklyn. [Page Six]
• MSNBC host Keith Olbermann apologizes for telling a viewer to go fuck his mother. That was meant for Rita Cosby. [Lowdown]
• In a remarkable display of maturity, Lindsay Lohan turns down a round of shots, noting that she's underage. She still stayed out until 7 AM — thankfully, there's no age restrictions on marching powder. [R&M (bottom of page)]
• And after all that partying, Lohan still has the energy to be Madonna's new BFF. Though admittedly the starlet's not thrilled about getting Britney Spears' sloppy seconds. [Scoop]
• Rolling Stone Ronnie Wood has headed off to rehab. How are these guys even alive enough to be addicts? Were they all given new livers at some point in the mid-90s? [Fox411 (2nd item)]
• First daughter Barbara Bush uses Craigslist for job-hunting. Suddenly, we soften. Just a little. [Page Six]

• Paris Hilton seems to have backed out on her promise to organize a benefit concert for an Australian charity that works with ill children. And since her failure, some of the children have died. Seriously. [Courier-Mail]
• And as if letting sick kids die weren't offensive enough, Paris also performs a hit-and-run for the paparazzi's benefit. [TMZ]
• Meredith Vieira decides to start wearing underwear for her new gig on the Today show, and so Matt Lauer can finally sleep at night. [Lowdown (2nd item)]
• Even dolphins want to fuck Jessica Alba. [Page Six]
• Kate Moss chugs Jager, publicly vomits, and returns to form within a matter of minutes. You knew she'd be a master of the boot-n-rally. [Mirror]
• Life & Style's new executive editor Mark Coleman receives a rare moment of redemption from Page Six. On Friday, they reported that Star EIC Joe Dolce blames Coleman for for the mag's famous cover gaffes; today, they see emails that prove otherwise. Poor Dolce — usually item-planting goes so smoothly. [Page Six]
• Today marks the 12th anniversary of the OJ Simpson murders. Celebrate with the cheating bitch you love. [R&M (last item)]

In what may be the most oddly compelling interview we've seen in a while, Janice Dickinson, the world's first supermodel (and living proof that plastic surgery for necks is nowhere near as advanced as plastic surgery for faces) talks to The Book Standard about her latest work, Check, Please!, a dating guide. Janice, who actually seems more intelligent than her interlocutor, shares her insights on the following topics:

• Rumors continue that the Brangelina will spew forth its sexy spawn in the south African nation of Namibia; the couple may even give the child a local name, like Malaria. [NYDN]
• Originally from the now-defunct Radar, Mark Ebner updates his story of Girls Gone Wild freak Joe Francis and the trespassing pink dildo that Francis learned to love. Since Francis hosted Richard Johnson's bachelor party, it's a nice reminder of what you'll never read in Page Six. [Hollywood Interrupted]
• Is Kate Moss hooking up with Israeli investor Vivi Nevo? If his blow is kosher, then of course. [Page Six]
• Today in irony: Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen front for Free Arts NYC, an organization for at-risk children. [Gatecrasher (3rd item)]
• Robin Williams tells GQ that he used to pick up Christopher Reeve's sloppy seconds. [R&M]
• Is the city of Miami is paying Page Six for "advice on media coverage?" Two mentions in a single day — we're just saying. [Page Six]
• Tom Cruise denies any involvement in Comedy Central's pulling of South Park reruns mocking the actor as being "in the closet." In fact, the decision was all R. Kelly's fault. [IMDb]

• Teri Hatcher and Ryan "Not Gay" Seacrest enjoy an intimate moment. You better believe it — they'd never, ever stage something like this for the press. This concludes the swallow-your-own-vomit moment for today, brought to you by Us Weekly. [Us Weekly]
• If the thought of minivans and picket fences weren't horrifying enough, another reason why Connecticut should be avoided. [1010 WINS]
• Kate Moss lashes out at paparazzi. Coke makes you edgy and angry like that. [LSE]
• Just like bears, attractive New Yorkers hibernate during winter. [Logged Hours]
• There's not a lot to say about Vin Diesel. Thank God for small pleasures. [Fawny]
• And finally, who's the real victim in the Duke lacrosse team gang rape incident? Duke alum Dan Abrams. The poor thing must be crippled with grief. [MSNBC]

• Isaac Hayes, the voice of South Park's Chef, has left the show because of its "intolerance" towards Scientology. Translation: Tom Cruise was really mad about the "Tom's in the Closet" episode and had Hayes by his chocolate salty balls. [Page Six]
• We find it hilarious that model Lola Skye would accuse Sienna Miller of stealing her boyfriend, Hayden Christensen, particulary because Christensen is no girl's boyfriend. [R&M (2nd item)]
• Kevin Federline considers life as a stripper. Yeah, that seems about right. [Scoop]
• She hides her drugs in Fabrege eggs and masturbates with a 24-karat gold vibrator. Is there any luxury Kate Moss will spare? [Page Six]

• A very special collection of letters to the editor regarding the Village Voice's grounded houseboy Nick Sylvester. Dismay isn't quite the word to cover public sentiment. [VV]
• We hear that Democratic gubernatorial candidate Tom Suozzi has hired former New York Press editor Harry Siegal as his policy director. Siegal saved the Press, so maybe he can — er, nevermind.
• The House & Home section at the Times gets an extreme makeover, kind of. [Architect's Newspaper]
• More on Kate Moss' totally unexciting drug use from 1998: She traveled with her stash in a Faberg egg. The woman is nothing if not classy. [This Is London]
• Writing about how Matt Haber wrote something that you actually wrote two years prior is deliciously meta. [FishbowlNY]
• MySpace: the movie. [Big Shiny Thing]
• Yanni is arrested for domestic abuse. Being forced to watch his Live at the Acropolis VHS during our junior high music classes, we can't help but feel relieved that he's off the streets. [CNN]
• Twee music is fine. Twee comics, not so much. Fine by us — too much twee and comic geeks in this world, anyhow. [Salon]

• The latest in the Times' ever-growing stable of blogs is Wall Street and financial blog DealBook, edited by Andrew Ross Sorkin. We imagine that when Gawker alum Elizabeth Spiers gets her similar venture, Dealbreaker, up and running, these two will spend the spring mudwrestling one another. Kinda hot, no? [DealBook]
• Before you get all wet and saucy at the prospect of more pictures of Kate Moss blowing rails, keep in mind that these ones are from 1998 or so. And really, once you've seen her hoover one, you've seen her hoover them all. [Sun UK]
• Win yourself a free meal on 71 Clinton's last night of service. All you have to do is come up with the best answer to how you would spend $250 on food and drinks, in a single night, on the Lower East Side. If you want to win, we suggest refraining from mentioning Welcome to the Johnson's. [Eater]
• WASPdate continues to thrive, lending its support to plaid pants-wearing whiteys everywhere. [AM New York]
• New York mag puts out its Best of New York issue, and yet the "Best Way to Get on a Hipster Photo Website" strikes us as the worst of our fair city. [NYM]
• Frank Bruni gets highly philosophical on the issue of whether or not a restaurant should be re-reviewed. How one man puts so much thought into the star system, we'll never know. But bless him for all that he does. [Diner's Journal]

• Back to the future: post-coke supermodel Kate Moss is being considered for an upcoming campaign for Calvin Klein, the label that launched her to fame in the halcyon 90's. Meanwhile, Burberry — which originally dropped the model immediately after her scandal — is rumored to have made Moss another offer. It's amazing what drug abuse can do for your career. Hoover now or be left behind! [Page Six]
• High-res Lohan coke-nose. [SFF]
• High-res Lohan nipple. [WWTDD]
• Brad Pitt and Vince Vaughn are so offended by Showbiz Show host David Spade's "hardcore" humor about their love lives, they've both threatened Spade. Coincidentally, isn't that show premiering soon? Gosh, Spade is such a bad-ass, we'll have to watch it now. [R&M]
• Nick Lachey makes the ultimate financial comeback, snagging half a million for a Gunnar Peterson infomercial. Jessica must be so jealous. [Page Six]
• Jane Fonda, Ted Turner, threesome, video camera... and then we lost consciousness. [Lowdown]
• Another fake Paris Hilton hits the wires, as if the real one weren't enough. [Scoop]

Brokeback Mountain producer and frequent Ang Lee collaborator James Schamus set the record straight with USA Today over the recent rumors that the director's next project would be a biopic on the life of singer Dusty Springfield starring Charlize Theron, with Kate Moss as her lesbian lover. It seems the entire thing was a media-concocted fabrication:

• NBC is reportedly ready to offer Katie Couric $20 million a year to keep her away from CBS. Who knew well-oiled gams were worth so much? [Fox411]
• Director Ang Lee is set to cast Kate Moss in his latest film, a biopic about singer Dusty Springfield, in which she'll play one of Springfield's lesbian lovers. Lee sure does have a knack for high-profile gay casting choices. [IANS]
• Kate Moss link #2: If you're in rehab and you meet the cokey model, be sure to tell her about your band. She'll inspire you to keep on focusing on your music — when you put down the needle, that is. [MySpace]
• Today on Williamsburg's favorite message board: iPods. Of course. [Williamsboard]
• Cast your vote for Time Out's 2006 Eat Out awards. Bonus points if you actually ate at any of the joints. [TONY]
• The trailer for the upcoming internet show A Good Word with the T-Bird (it hurt us just to type that, admittedly) features winning moments with your favorite hipster nightlife photographer, as well as a gem from the dude who found the first daughter's wallet at Happy Endings. [You Tube]

Having ensured himself a lasting place in the Gay Man's Hall of Fame with Brokeback Mountain, director Ang Lee has made a canny choice for his next project: He'll stick to gay love stories, but win back the hearts of the straight guy population with some sweet girl-on-girl action starring two of the hottest chicks on the planet:

• Britney Spears claims that she drove with her infant son in her lap because the paparazzi made her do it. You see, they asked her to pose as such, and offered her $5, and she just couldn't resist. [R&M]
• Paris Hilton's testimony helps put away the man who burgularized and abused Girls Gone Wild perv Joe Francis. Poor Paris, always fighting for the wrong team. [Page Six]
• In other Paris-legal news, some poor soul has gotten a restraining order against the heiress, lest she stab him with her stiletto. [TMZ]
• Our favorite perv Vincent Gallo took to selling not only his sperm on eBay, but also his flesh. $50K was the starting bid for a night of Gallo pleasure but, alas, no one was syphilic enough to consider bidding. [Lowdown]
• Robin Byrd, Lizzie Grubman — there's less of a difference than you think. [Page Six]
• Everyone's favorite "rehab" expert, Kate Moss, counsels everyone's favorite penis, Colin Farrell, on staying "sober." [Contact Music]

• Kate Moss continues her reign of post-rehab high-fashion supremacy by snagging the cover of British Vogue's March issue. She'll pose in a "delicate" white dress against a pink background, because she's innocent like snowdrifts and flushed cheeks. [TMZ]
• Did Sienna Miller bang Jude Law just to further her own career? Considering we'd never heard of her before she starting dating the ballerina man, we'd say so. [Page Six]
• Naomi Campbell will play Satan in an upcoming film. How's that for typecasting? [Contact Music]
• We think Sharon Stone is getting a little old for the orgy scenes. Your dad, however, disagrees. [R&M]
• We also think Patrick Stewart is getting way too old for the action scenes. Your grandmother, however, disagrees. [Lowdown]

• Most recently in the ongoing saga of Lindsay Lohan's battle with retardation, the starlet reportedly slipped on some stairs while carrying a ceramic teacup, which shattered and cut her leg. Interestingly enough, this all went down at Bryan Adams' house. WTF? Is her next asthma attack going to be at Richard Marx's pool party? [CNN]
• More on Kate Moss' grilling with Scotland Yard: She wore black pants! [R&M]
• Shame on you, Lloyd Grove! "Dance: Ten; Looks: Three" is NOT, as you say, a Sondheim classic. If you want to survive in this town, you better fag it up and learn that that A Chorus Line is the work of Marvin Hamlisch. [Lowdown]
• British socialite and Jimmy Choo designer Tamara Mellon hooks up with Kid Rock, though we're not sure how her stilettos will go over during Michigan's hunting season. [Page Six]
• Jodie Sweetin, meth, blah blah blah. What ever happened to predictability? [GMA]

We can only imagine how this "meeting" went: slack-jawed detectives briefly drool over a beautifully distant, scantily clad Moss. They ask her a few quick questions ("So, what's it like being a model? Have you met Naomi Campbell?"), to which she bats her eyelashes and giggles. Before the cocaine issue is even addressed, Moss politely explains that she needs to go (she's late for lunch with Lindsay Lohan, sir, she's sure you understand) and the detectives agree to send her on her way — but only after she gives them her autograph, which they then take to the bathroom for more "investigation."

• A sex scene involving Katie Holmes and Aaron Eckhart has been mysteriously removed from the film Thank You For Smoking, currently showing at Sundance. Never underestimate the editing powers of OT-VIIs. [Page Six]
• As Howard Stern's replacement, David Lee Roth has had a hard time winning over listeners — but not as hard of a time as he has getting his staff to tolerate him. [Lowdown]
• Shar Jones enacts revenge on Britney Spears, who stole her baby-daddy Kevin Federline, by sleeping with Spears' first husband, 48-hour Vegas mistake Jason Alexander. And that, children, is the story of syphilis. [Page Six]
• Billionaire Ron Perelman divorces his fourth wife — actress Ellen Barkin — and is rumored to be rekindling with his second wife, Claudia Cohen. Wives #1 and 3 wait patiently in the wings. [R&M]
• Cokey supermodel Kate Moss signs a $1.8 million deal for the rights to her autobiography. Sayeth the Braunstein: "It is a symbol of a true victim when you get the book rights."