Madonna broke into the public consciousness not because of her vocal talents, but because of her catchy tunes, dance fever, and suggestively nymphomaniac tendencies. But now, the nearly-50-year old has finally morphed into the modern day Britney Spears: she's forcing unwilling male stars to pull down their pants, she's making headlines mainly due to a messy divorce, rumored affairs and plastic surgery rumors. Just as the British tabs begin to accuse the failed director/actress of going under a very sharp knife, it seems as though the exercise addict has used her seduction technique of shooting B-12 shots into hunky acquaintances’ butts. But this time around, unlike the soaring success story that was Justin Timberlake’s energizing vitamin-equipped ass, her second attempt on quasi-ex-husband Guy Ritchie’s newest leading man, Gerard Butler, left the poor man’s Clive Owen “severely ill.” Butler’s tale of Madge’s terrorist attack on his “little bum,” plus the allegations being made about how the extremes the Yankee doodler’s “grueling” beauty regime have affected her oddly sharp cheekbones and “popping veins,” after the jump.Cameron Diaz' ex and 3000 star Gerard Butler (we keep trying to forget that we first noticed him in Phantom Of The Opera even though every time we see his now-rugged face we can't help picturing him over-earnestly busting out "Music Of The Night") is fortunate enough to be starring in Ritchie's upcoming Rocknrolla, which means he was unfortunate enough to run into Madge at some point during filming. And as we learned months ago, the Ritchie groupie is always equipped with a baggie filled with needles filled to the brim with Lindsay Lohan's favorite "asthma attack" cure, Vitamin B-12. But according to Butler, the normally healthy kick to the ass advertised extensively be Madonna's most fickle supporter/critic Justin Timberlake, "the injection failed to boost Butler's immune system - and left him feeling worse than before." Even more embarrassing for Madge, Butler describes her as "the nurse" on set. Meaning she's gone from platinum singer to failed director to failed on-set medical assistant. Frankly we don't blame her if she did get some "filler in her cheeks," as a Daily Mail plastic surgery believes. A little nip and tuck, which, in Madonna's case, doesn't look as horrific as the tab makes it out to be, can go a long way in boosting one's self-esteem. Just look at Bat Face victim Nicole Kidman — it's almost like she never looks unhappy, even when she's so bored by her husband's music that she nods out for a while! [Photo credits: Splash]

In light of some breaking hair-related news involving future fugitive Katie Holmes, we must admit that we’ve underestimated the Scientology prisoner. As the Daily Mail reported over the weekend, Broadway’s least-alluring celebrity rookie recently chopped off even more of her already chin-grazing bob, and even dared to pull out those hair curlers in what could be the beginning move in a new strategy to finally flee the Knights of Hubbard. Though Kate’s "boyish" cut may backfire, it’s a clever plan nonetheless. Below, we provide five of the best examples of drastic 'do-caused catastrophes directly linked to highly publicized breakups, from Jennifer Aniston’s self-conscious bob that led to Brangelina, to Cameron Diaz’s unfortunate goth dye job that failed to inspire any future sex or love sounds from Justin Timberlake:

In a landmark decision for bodice rippers and the networks who love them, a trio of federal judges today threw out the FCC's $550,000 fine against CBS for the Super Bowl "wardrobe malfunction" that exposed Janet Jackson's right breast in 2004. The damning decision resulted in a miserable spoof by Justin Timberlake at last night's ESPY Awards and, worse yet for the FCC, essentially wiped out the upgraded decency standards implemented after the broadcast — at least for live shows, which required the judges to buy CBS's defense that the nip slip was an "accident."

As we’ve noted in the past, Stinky master of predicting the future of love sounds Justin Timberlake isn’t quite on the level of Richard Pryor or Lenny Bruce when it comes to comedy routines. After failing to elicit laughs at the Rock ‘n Roll Hall of Fame earlier this year, and trying out the rarely-cute attempt to evade relationship questions on Leno, Timberlake is evidently still fixated on proving he’s just bursting with comedic prowess. His latest stunt? Impersonating Jessica Simpson at the Timberlake-hosted ESPYs, airing this Sunday, by wearing a cheap blonde wig, standing in front of a cut-out of her daisy dukes, and making frightening facial expressions supposedly meant to resemble the time-traveling Tony Romo groupie. The good news? Despite these photos doing little to inspire even a smirk from us, we feel the need to point out Timberlake’s impressively hilarious impersonations of the past on Saturday Night Live, both as a tweaked out awesomer-than-thou Ashton Kutcher, and a far better Jessica Simpson impression years before:

The seven-year itch has reportedly struck the unusually long and strong union between Madonna and Guy Ritchie, but news of the split isn’t exactly sending anyone into shock. It was only three years ago when Madonna practically divorced her frostylocks husband on television, telling the world in an MTV documentary that she “wanted to end everything,” and that Guy hadn’t lived up to whatever S&M-loving, hotel room-wrecking ideal she’d “imagined him to be.” But we’re not so sure the soft-spoken director of speedy-spoken indie flicks was necessarily the problem child in this couplet. Considering Madonna’s behavior over the past year or so, scented ever so slightly with desperation and Justin Timberlake’s ass cheeks, we came up with three of the most likely reasons we think the love story went sour:

Just when Hollywood has seemingly runs out of ideas, it appears that the city of Los Angeles has also run out of dateable men. Two of Tinseltown's most eligible bachelorettes, Jennifer Aniston and Cameron Diaz, have searched far and wide for the right arm candy, only to wind up scraping the bottom of the boy barrel. And their respective plights have gotten so dismal that the "sex-obsessed" blonde and "clingy" brunette are now swapping leftovers. As we already know far too well, Aniston has been gritting her teeth through this summer's most mysterious celebrity relationship with John Mayer, one of Diaz's former flings. And rumors earlier this month linking Diaz to a certain cokehead model have gained credibility after the actress was photographed out and about with the pretty-but-pretty-dumb Paul Sculfor. But the tale turns even more tragic: yet another sorry excuse for a man has nailed both A-listers, and managed to walk away the winner:

Having teased us already with a Celebrity 100 "drop-offs" list that included some of the brightest and most bankable names in the entertainment universe (they. did. not. just. say. Tom. Hanks—omgzyestheydiiiiddd), anticipation for the actual Celebrity 100 list—your annual ranking of the The World's Most Powerful Celebrities™ as verified by a team of accredited powerologists at the Forbes Institute for the Advancement of Obscene Wealth and Judgment-Summoning False Idolatry—was higher than ever. As always, Oprah Winfrey sits comfortably at the very top of the list, her $978 trillion empire affording her the luxury of purchasing everyone else in the top 100 for distribution among audience members as one of those "personal celebrity slaves I simply can't live without" on her next Favorite Things episode.

Jay Leno is going through a sexual identity crisis. After getting in trouble with the gays for Ryan Phillippe GayFaceGate, it seems as though all the apologies and gay wedding attendances have him worried his flyover state fan base may have lost faith in his man’s man, Harley-riding rep. And in an effort to clean up that potential mess, he’s resorted to eagerly provoking Justin Timberlake into pervy chatter about the improvisational humor-challenged song and dance boy’s girlfriend Jessica Biel. To prove his macho prowess, he leaps suggestively into a tale about meeting Biel on a Jaywalk when she was just 15 or 16, and insists (twice, in fact) that all sorts of very heterosexual thoughts went flooding through his head. As uncomfortable as this clip makes us, Timberlake finds the entire ordeal a (quite literal) thigh-slapper. The pair’s respective desperate attempts at humor and machismo, after the jump.

[Photo Credit: Bauer-Griffin]

Although this press-junket interview between Justin Timberlake and "Chuck the Movie Guy" is less than three minutes long, one gets the sense at several distinct points that Timberlake is about to either storm out or punch "Chuck" in the throat. There's an uncomfortable confrontation about a prior interview, an uncomfortable retort from Timberlake involving his Speedo, uncomfortable sarcasm — notice a theme? Videogum wonders whether Timberlake or "Chuck" is the bigger jerk here, but that's kind of missing the point. You really need two people, each acting aggressively awful toward the other, to produce a moment so beautifully bitchy. After the jump, video of this excellent team effort in awkward hostility.

• Haven't seen Isaac Mizrahi around much lately? That's because he's been holed up making his own pomade, since the product he usually uses is no longer on the market. If all goes well, he might sell his new creation and call it I-Hair. [Page Six]

In light of the news that Ruler of the Universe Ryan Seacrest will soon be hosting a show on NBC called Momma’s Boys, we’re both delighted that the highlighted wunderkind has decided to ignore all the inevitable backlash, and disappointed that the show will be using mere mortals as contestants. Of all the male celebrities out there, Ryan is undoubtedly one of the most clear-cut examples of how we imagine our worst nightmare of a "Mother May I?" type to be, but he’s certainly not alone. Below, we nominate a few of our own submissions to the casting call printed in Backstage this week for “candidates who should be ready to be humiliated,” in celebrity form of course:

Apparently Justin Timberlake and Madonna’s time spent collaborating in the studio was far from the sexy joy ride in needle park we originally envisioned. As Timberlake tells the altar-bound Ellen in this clip, the pair actually spent most of their time butting their beautiful heads over song lyrics. As surprised as we were to learn that either one of them actually writes their own lyrics in the first place, we were just as unsurprised by Timberlake’s continuous failed attempts to prove how funny he can be without cue cards. Sounding both desperate for a laugh and downright mean for daring to put down the vocally challenged but still iconic Madonna, we think the trouser snake should give up his comedy routine schtick for good.

Casual nudity enthusiast Sienna Miller became an official card-carrying member of that elite group of celebrities who unleash their hate of paparazzi by way of physical assault. As the Daily Mail reports, Miller swung her pricey purse at one pap's face yesterday at LAX, possibly because he was a resident of Pittsburgh, or maybe she simply mistook him for Jude Law (as the pictures show, there is a resemblance to the nanny-loving baldie). But Sienna's moment of outrage prompted us to recall our all-time favorite When Celebrities Attack moments in time, from Woody Harrelson's caught-on-tape choke-hold to Justin Timberlake and Cameron Diaz's romantically executed freakout years ago. Our five top picks after the jump:

Madonna can pretty much do whatever she wants at this point and the world will shrug its shoulders, whether she's assaulting Justin Timberlake with needles or spreading her soon-to-be-50-year old legs on album covers. But the vocally-challenged icon has taken her recent trip down memory lane as a pansexual nympho to new heights by inviting a female fan on stage during her concert last night and pulling a repeat performance of Madonna And Britney Spit Swap. Why? As she put it, "Why do I have this relationship with France? I'm always drawn to working with French people - and frenching French people...Vive la France!" A closer look at the kiss step by step, plus suddenly gorgeous daughter Lourdes' reaction, after the jump.

Going through a tough breakup is never easy, but the subsequent tendency to canoodle with every available bachelor in town on a weekly basis rarely helps ease the pain. Case in point: Cameron Diaz, who has most recently been spotted "holding hands" with Entourage star and professional party-goer Kevin Connolly. And it seems like only yesterday when Diaz made out with Jason Patric on a beach, and only last week when Diaz was linked to 300 star Gerard Butler. And the list has gone on and on — Criss Angel! Djimon Hounsou! — ever since long-term boyfriend Justin Timberlake headed for curvier pastures last year. We take a closer look at the self-professed "boy-crazy" Cameron's evening with E after the jump.

[Madonna, a 50 year old woman, and Justin Timberlake in concert at New York City's Roseland Ballroom last night; image via INF]

• Tyra Banks ended the Miley Cyrus controversy, issuing the following fatwa on The View: "She is a 15-year-old, and I just wish everybody would leave her alone!" Follow this edict or Tyra will claw your eyes out, then stab you, then set you on fire, all using only her tightly-controlled stare of rage. [Showbiz Spy]

· En fuego producer Rob Thomas sells his third pilot of the season, this one to ABC. (He already sold them Cupid, and sold The CW the 90210 spinoff.) Based on a Kiwi show, Outrageous Fortune follows "matriarch of a family of criminals [who] decides it is time for her brood to go straight when her husband ends up in the clink for five years." Your move, Matchbox 20's Rob Thomas! [THR]· FremantleMedia is bringing Family Feud to primetime for the first time in its 30 year history, where it will air along with American Gladiators on NBC's "For The Love of All That is Holy, Just Pick Up A Book Already" summer programming block. [Variety]
· Elizabeth "Zack and Miri Make a Porno" Banks has been cast as the First Lady in Oliver Stone's Bush. Stop your snickering! [THR]

We have some troubling news to report: contrary to popular belief, Justin Timberlake is (spoiler alert) not funny. According to Radar Online, that masterful introductory speech JT recited at the Rock 'n Roll Hall of Fame on Monday night was more than just a fun series of anecdotes about Madonna's B12 shots and Britney putdowns. For those on the scene, it was a painful series of awkward silences and lame attempts at humor, made even more painful by Justin's Norton-like tries at improvising some jokes of his own: