On last night's Saturday Night Live, host Paul Rudd spent a lot of time bottomless. Somehow, he also managed to choreograph the finest Beyoncé /Sasha Fierce video we have ever seen. Musical guest Beyoncé's more aggressive and sensual alter-ego needs a powerful partner, and Rudd's impressive creative vision for the singer involved being violently flanked by his stepsons, Justin Timberlake, Bobby Moynihan, and Samberg. Beyoncé must have taken the bottomless digital short to heart, as her second musical number ensured we will never criticize the bottomless pop star for anything, ever again. Click for the clips.
Beyoncé's sketch with Paul Rudd brought back fond memories:

• Brad Pitt said it was uncool for ex Jennifer Aniston to say his wife Angelina Jolie is uncool. Or, as he puts it, he was "totally thrown." [Sun-Times ]

♦ Things are going from bad to worse for Damon Dash and Rachel Roy: Three months after a bank foreclosed on their two Tribeca condos, Dash's Chevy Tahoe was seized this week after he failed to make the monthly lease payments. Does this mean he's already lost his Maybach? [NYDN]
♦ Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson were supposedly getting engaged yesterday. Today the relationship is supposedly "heading for choppy waters," because Lindsay wants to "explore her heterosexuality." [The Sun]
♦ How is Lindsay's publicist explaining her client's description of Barack Obama earlier this week as the country's first "colored President"? She says no one knows what LiLo really said, since it was "unintelligible." [MSNBC]
♦ Katie Holmes is supposedly refusing to move back to LA after she's finished on Broadway. Why? Because she doesn't get dragged to as many Scientology events when she's in NYC. [NYDN]

It looks like Justin Timberlake plans to spend more time in New York now that he's gone into contract on a condo at the Pearline Soap Factory at 414 Washington Street, according to the Post. Timberlake's 3,000-square-foot loft, which was listed at $5.25 million, comes with three bedrooms, 14 floor-to-ceiling arched windows, Sub-Zero appliances, and views of the Hudson River. Photos of the apartment where JT will soon be rocking Jessica Biel's body are below.

♦ Guy Ritchie met up with sons David and Rocco in London yesterday for the first time since October, but only after agreeing to follow a list of rules issued by Madonna, which included no new friends, no fast food, no newspapers, and no TV. [Us, Mirror]
♦ Back in the US, Madonna supposedly threw an "intimate dinner party" at her apartment so she could introduce Alex Rodriguez to a group of her friends. [Mirror]
♦ One week after Tim Robbins experienced a few problems trying to cast his vote in the presidential election, officials now say they pinpointed the issue: Robbins turned up at the wrong polling location, which he might have known if he'd bothered to vote in the mid-term elections. [NYDN, P6]

♦ Kate Moss is joining honorary chair Marc Jacobs as co-chair of the next Costume Institute Gala Benefit at the Met, along with Anna Wintour and Justin Timberlake. [Telegraph]
♦ Jacobs will also be hosting Housing Works Fashion for Action auction on November 13th. And it's not just his karma bank that's overflowing: He just signed a five year deal with Staff International SpA to produce a men's collection. [Fashionista, WWD]
♦ Mark your calendars: On November 25th, Sarah Jessica Parker's familiar voice will be the one you hear when you take the audio tour of the "Costume: The Art of Dress" exhibit at the Costume Institute. [The Pipeline]

♦ Kim Cattrall and Sarah Jessica Parker are apparently incapable of getting along: A day after Kim confirmed that there will be Sex and the City sequel, Parker told fans "not to get their hopes up" and that "Kim is excited, but all the deals are not yet done." [Daily Star, People]
♦ It looks like spending time in court, soup kitchens, and sanitation departments hasn't helped Naomi Campbell much. She infuriated passengers on her flight back from London on Tuesday by cutting in line while going through customs at JFK. She swears it wasn't her fault because it was the airline that offered her an escort. [R&M]
♦ Ian Schrager is getting married next Saturday. The bride-to-be is a ballerina named Tania Wahlstedt. [P6]

• So Anderson Cooper told Ellen DeGeneres "Honey, I don't even know where to begin" with NeNe from Real Housewives of Atlanta. That was Tuesday. Now NeNe is inviting the CNN anchor to ogle her chest and "get down and dirty" and have some "brown sugar." Her husband, an obvious CNN viewer, is totally fine with this.

♦ Now that she doesn't have Guy Ritchie to boss around, Madonna is finding more time to control everyone else: She's supposedly been "begging" Gwyneth Paltrow to leave her London home so they can spend more time together in New York. She's also busy orchestrating a reunion between Justin Timberlake and Britney Spears: All three will be performing together at Madge's concert in LA tonight. [The Sun, E!]
♦ Padma Lakshmi is apparently on a "man-search" for a filthy rich boyfriend now that her flings with Ted Forstmann and Russell Simmons are over. [P6]
♦ Now that the election is over, Tina Fey says she will be officially retiring her Sarah Palin impression. [Extra]

♦ A "crazed" Madonna fan stormed the set of Guy Ritchie's new movie this weekend and threatened to kill him with a 12-inch knife before the 16-year-old was arrested. [Mirror, Daily Star]
♦ Is Ashley Olsen planning to marry boyfriend Justin Bartha in a secret wedding on the French Riviera? That's what the National Enquirer claims! Also: She supposedly wants Karl Lagerfeld to design her dress. [Daily Express]
♦ Joaquin Phoenix was acting "odd" and wobbly at an event in San Francisco last week, and now his friends are worried he's back to drinking and doing drugs. [P6]
♦ Beth Ostrosky and Ryan Reynolds both finished the NYC Marathon yesterday, along with about 35,000 other people. [NYDN]

Click to viewBoomp3.com The stakes have been raised this year at the Justin Timberlake celebrity golf tournament in Las Vegas. Instead of the usually celebrities playing with a few fans and having a casual, fun game of golf, the celebs and now fans have to play 18 holes with popular television personality Ellen DeGeneres on their back. DeGeneres doesn’t feel she’s an obstacle or hindrance, but is instead supportive and helpful. DeGeneres said, “Who doesn’t enjoy a hug? I know I do. So, I’m just offering support.” [Photo Credit: Getty Images] *A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

♦ Is Lauren Bush supporting Barack Obama? Maybe. The niece of the president praised the Democratic nominee in a recent interview and she decided against using her family name for her new clothing line, Lauren Pierce, taking her grandmother's maiden name instead. [P6]
♦ Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson are either engaged or splitting up, depending on what you read. [Daily Mail, MSN]
♦ Marc Jacobs is supposedly jealous that his ex, Jason Preston, is dating someone else, even though he has a new boyfriend of his own, too. [P6]
♦ He can't afford a plane, but Diddy did get to upgrade to a new Rolls-Royce last week. [P6]
♦ In a new memoir, Maureen McCormick (Marcia Brady from The Brady Bunch) says she used to trade sex for coke. [NYDN]

• It's no fun living near Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen. Neighbors in the West Village say the two are "spoiled brats" since they have bodyguards posted outside their apartment on West 13th Street who make neighbors get off the stoop whenever the twins are arriving home, and the twins keep SUVs idling in front of the building for hours at a time. [P6]

Anne Hathaway walking with a mystery man downtown ... Jessica Alba shopping for clothes with baby Honor in SoHo ... Rachel Zoe and her assistant Brad arriving at Bryant Park ... Julianne Moore about to cross the street in the Village ... Jennifer Lopez going to lunch at Nello wearing an Oscar de la Renta gown ... Alicia Keys solo and chatting on her cell ... Julia Roberts waving to the paparazzi during a walk downtown ... Sarah Jessica Parker walking with her son James Wilke ... Katie Holmes wearing baggy jeans and carrying a bag ... Barack Obama and Lebron James showing up at the set of the Letterman show ... Lauren Conrad making an appearance at Bloomingdale's to promote her clothing line ... Diane Kruger walking her bike on the sidewalk in front of Anthropologie ... Michelle Trachtenberg and a male friend dressed up and walking in the middle of the street in SoHo ... model May Andersen and friends heading to Bar Pitti ... and Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel heading to Southern Hospitality for a late night dinner.

1) Of the many fashion parties over the weekend, none was bigger than Calvin Klein's 40th anniversary bash on the High Line last night. Among the fresh-from-Bryant Park faces present: Francisco Costa, Kimora Lee Simmons and Djimon Hounsou, Brooke Shields, Lindsay Price, Kim Raver, Eva Mendes, Halle Berry, Naomi Watts, Ellen Pompeo, Molly Sims, Alan Cumming, Aerin Lauder Zinterhofer, Anna Wintour, Bee Shaffer, Bryan Adams, Bijou Phillips, Claire Danes and Hugh Dancy, Fabien Baron, Ashley Olsen, Cynthia Nixon, Carlos Souza, Linda Fargo, Casey Spooner, Erin Fetherston, Ellen von Unwerth, Estelle, Rachel Zoe, Fern Mallis, Glenda Bailey, Jared Leto, Coco Rocha, Esther Canadas, Joy Bryant, John Leguizamo, Jay Manuel, Julia Restoin Roitfeld, Jessica Szohr, Kevin Bacon, Kelly Killoren Bensimon, Leighton Meester, Lydia Hearst, Martha Stewart, Ethan Hawke, Olivia Chantecaille, Padma Lakshmi, Rosario Dawson and Stephanie Seymour. [NYDN, NYO, PMc, GoaG]

• Even though Whitney Port may have the least fake career on The Hills, her alleged PR job at Diane von Furstenberg won't involve actual working, will it? [The Cut]
  

Back Together: After Britney Spears skipped out on plans to record a Timbaland-helmed duet with Justin Timberlake for her last album (hmmm, maybe she's been busy?) the NY Post reports that the pop singer and Timberlake are finally set to reunite for her album due later this year. Though the Post calls it a "long-awaited duet," we have to wonder: haven't they already recorded one together? Not that we knew that or anything, it just...happened to come up when we Googled "Britney duet." OK, fine, we'll admit it. We knew about it already. You've caught us Cheeto-handed. [NY Post]

• Matt Damon's wife Luciana gave birth to the couple's second child together yesterday, a girl named Gia Zavala Damon. [NYDN]

There's probably been a time or two when you've been tempted to check out a restaurant or bar simply because some celebrity supposedly "owns" it. Maybe I'll see Justin Timberlake devouring a plate of ribs at Southern Hospitality! Or I'll spot Robert De Niro slurping on some pasta at Ago! Restaurateurs know this, too, of course, which is why they're all so eager to attach a celebrity name—any one will do!—to their ill-conceived bistro, brasserie, speakeasy, lounge, or barbecue shack. We don't want to be the ones to crush your dreams and tell you that there's no chance you'll see these famous faces at these venues. Just in case you're the more optimistic type—or just curious who has a stake in what—we happily introduce the Cityfile celebrity-owned restaurant/bar map!

Ah, the buzz cut: that sometimes-risky, sometimes-successful ‘do usually sported by male celebrities when it's required for a role in a military/secret agent/futuristic film or because they need a quick way to change their public image. But no matter what their reasons are for taking the razor to the scalp, the look has roughly a 50/50 chance of working. Two of the most recent stars to shave it all off are Jennifer Aniston arm candy John Mayer and new member of the Movie Press-Generating Lawbreakers’ Club Josh Brolin, and while Mayer irritatingly manages to pull the look off despite his big head ego, Brolin’s close cut reveals a bit too much skin. Which immediately made us reminisce on buzz cuts of the past, both the bad (Hey, Jude), the good (pre-Scientology Tommy C.), and the very ugly (Attack Of The Killer Umbrella-Bearers):