On My Life on the D-List, Kathy discovered that Tom has some pretty strange Ambien-induced nighttime behaviors, none of which he remembers. After several nightly raids and no "Kathy and junk food" alone time, she stages an intervention for him.

Congrats, America. We all may be fat, but we're also home to Lizzie Velasquez, the Texas woman who weighs only 60 pounds and must eat every 15 minutes to stay alive thanks to a rare condition she's had since birth.

Robot seal! Weed drugs! Dense breasts! Fat guts! Cartoon food! Chewing ice! And dogs with wondrous magical powers! It's your Monday Health Watch, where we watch your health—anthropomorphically!

If you don't drop those Ding-Dongs right now, you may end up in rehab. A study found that overeating junk food can "trigger addiction-like responses in the brain," and be as hard to shake as cocaine and nicotine. [Reuters]

Health food manufacturer and exponentially dimensionalized fulcrum of universal gravity PepsiCo is investing hundreds of millions of dollars in an effort to make America healthier, with things like "designer" salt crystals for Lay's potato chips. What else could they do?

NObama's latest plan to curtail America's freedom is to deny our obese, no-attention-span-having schoolkids the option of gorging on Hot Fries and Snickers out of school-sponsored vending machines. Why won't our nation's soft drink conglomerates stand up for the children?

The New York Times reports today on a food-industry backed labeling system called "Smart Choices," wherein, they slap a "Smart Choice" label on products of their choosing. Like food that's killing us slowly. This is why you're fat:

We support the idea that kids should eat healthy food. Theoretically. But when it involves a crazy mom ranting against birthday cupcakes and battling Girl Scout cookies, we must demur. Meet MeMe Roth, publicist and food Nazi mother:

A breakthrough study from the Society of Medical Researchers Who Didn't Think Up a Study Topic Until the Very Last Minute has found that limiting the amount of time your fattie kids sit on their ass watching TV or playing on the internet could help them lose weight! Kids tended to eat less junk food when they were forced to get off their ass and do something else, the study determined [WSJ]. One doctor is recommending parents get some kind of electronic device that limits brain-numbing time per week for children. We wholeheartedly support this effort to whip these no-account kids today into shape. Junk food and TV are not the way to go. There is only one safe and effective way to gain weight:

What red-blooded American child wouldn't rather have nice, healthy apple slices in a frybox than the warm, salty bits of FAT that they're used to? Burger King, doing its best to be a good corporate citizen and fight the good fight against obesity, is offering this new snack in a "frypod." Better question: which marketing consultant decided that evoking "Invasion of the Body Snatchers" in a snack would make it more appealing?