Good news for America's growing ranks of poor people already plagued by heart disease and diabetes: Twinkies, the industrial spooge-tube cakes that will never become stale, will now be sold by discount retailer Big Lots at up to 40% less than grocery store prices.

In what must be alarming news for clueless parents, it turns out that letting your children binge eat Flamin' Hot Cheetos can cause gastritis. A snack that burns tongues, dyes fingers red, and makes it look like you're shitting blood is harmful? No way, not possible.

In a big win for people who spend their time petitioning mega corporations to make unhealthy foods mildly healthier, Kraft Food Group Inc. announced Thursday that they will begin removing dyes from their famously-bright macaroni and cheese.

Researchers at Connecticut College have found evidence that proves that Oreo cookies—at least for lab rats—are as addictive as cocaine.

"Beauty blogger" Rita, an American, spent a semester abroad in the UK last year, sharing a flat with four British roommates. Naturally, it was only a matter of time before she decided to introduce them to classic American junk food and film their reaction as they consumed it.

If the average American had his way, every item that he encountered on a day-to-day basis—cars, household appliances, furniture, children—would be breaded, fried, and then cut into "chip" size for purposes of snacking convenience. Also, all of the aforementioned things would be made of chicken. The great folks in the fast food industry are doing everything in their power to make this "American Dream" come true.

Are school vending machines causing obesity amongst America's youth? Haha, haha, yeah right. Eating one dozen Cadbury "Creme" eggs in the closet at midnight while typing furiously on Twitter is causing obesity amongst America's youth. Still, every little calorie saved helps, when it comes to our corn-syrup-addicted children. The government is setting new guidelines for what can be in school vending machines. What (vending machine) food should be put on (the kids in) our families (in school)?

Hostess, the maker of Twinkies, Ding Dongs, Ho Hos, Suzy Q's, Sno Balls, Zingers, and Donettes, among other god damn delicious products, is bankrupt. For the second time in eight years. Labor costs, debt load, flour prices, blah blah blah. What will it take to save Hostess? Will it take Hostess sending out cases of its delicious products out to various popular online media sites, to "build buzz?" Now is the time to find out.

Snacking on Doritos is typically discouraged at funerals, as the loud crunch of the popular junk food tends to drown out heartfelt eulogies and generally detract from the somber mood of the occasion. But this will not be the case at Arch West's funeral, the former Frito-Lay marketing executive credited with first pitching the company with the idea of producing a seasoned, mass-market tortilla chip back in 1961. (He did not invent the tortilla chip itself, mind you — credit for that goes to Rebecca Carranza, who accidentally created them after she inherited a malfunctioning tortilla machine in Los Angeles in the late 1940s.)

Americans are not the sort of slobs who are satisfied with simply consuming a drab, tasteless burger in a hobo-infested fast food restaurant hastily rebranded as a "cafe." Americans are the sort of slobs who want their burgers fast—but casual. Americans want a slightly wider selection of toppings available on their burgers, and they want to consume those burgers in a very slightly more attractive setting than a Burger King bathroom. Americans demand this!

"To honor the butter cow's 100th birthday," the Iowa State Fair is selling deep fried butter on a stick this year. It is a butter stick on a stick, dipped in batter, deep fried, and drizzled with more butter.

The results of a new study in the New England Journal of Medicine about weight loss will blow your mind. By analyzing the eating and exercise habits of 120,877 people over many years, doctors have concluded that downing a whole bag of potato chips makes you fat faster than just about anything else, ice cream and soda included.

Despite the food industry's previously stated commitment to developing healthier Pop Tarts, government bureaucrats have decided to infringe the fundamental right of good American food-sellers to market corn syrup-soaked processed corn nuggets to children, using fun cartoon characters.

Discount drugs! Energy drinks! Capitol Hill junk food! Cancer moneymakers! Meditation depression! Food allergies! Youth sports fat! Baby thumb fat! Soldier fat! It's your Wednesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—dipped in Icy Hot, furiously skipping rope!

Mayor Mike Bloomberg likes junk food, just not for poor people. He's gone to war against salt and soda, but his company's office remains stocked with goodies: "We have all the junk in the world up there," one employee says.

In this PSA promoting obesity awareness, eating hamburgers is likened to heroin use. Hey lady, maybe your son's wolfing down that junk food because you promised him heroin and held out!

Photographer Dwight Eschliman photographed each of the 37 ingredients in a Twinkie separately so you can see exactly what's inside. (Above: "whole eggs," baking soda and riboflavin.) After this, we're gonna stick to Ding Dongs.

This afternoon, Glenn Beck went off on a tangent about his belief that unwise government spending leads to the decay of cities. Then, he used some very energetic—and delicious!—metaphors, comparing public funding for the arts to junk food.

The makers of Pretzel Chips have apologized and replaced their ads at NYC bus shelters that read, "You can never be too thin." Apparently some people think thinness shouldn't be encouraged. We agree. Pass the chips. [NYCtheBlog]

Morrie Yohai, "an accomplished photographer, poet, professor and businessman," as well as one of the dudes that created Cheez Doodles, died of cancer at age 90. Today, we are all Chester Cheeto.