Yesterday Ad Age humorist Simon Dumenco issued a fake report about Disney laying off a Jonas Brother. But he didn't say which one! And it's an important thing to consider. Who would you axe?

"Malia Obama-Jonas"...has a nice (purity) ring to it. [HuffPo]

John McCain was indeed right. Barack Obama, our glorious just-out-of-the-box new president, is nothing more than a common celebrity. Just look at today's famous person gossip rags.

In your Monday live-from-the-Chinatown-bus media column: Broke newspapers, Disney saved by Monkees, and Conde Nast's desperate peanut butter restrictions:

When the NYPD looks at the Jonas Brothers, they see something far more ominous than a fraternal trio of virginally delicious pop stars: They see a NYE riot at the Crossroads of the World.

Forget protecting the city from terrorist attacks or solving crime. The NYPD's biggest concern these days, at least according to People magazine? "The mob scene that could result when the Jonas Brothers perform in Times Square" on New Year's Eve. The only thing that will save New York's Finest from the utter mayhem? The weather forecast of 17 degrees and a chance of snow and rain. [People]

Though Russell Brand defined this year's MTV Video Awards by repeatedly cracking jokes about the Jonas Brothers' purity rings, it had seemed of late that the comedian had moved on to Helen Mirren.

Real estate tycoon and Daily News owner Mort Zuckerman would like you to know that, contrary to earlier reports, he was not really a victim of Bernie Madoff's $50 billion Ponzi scheme. First of all, the $30 million he'd invested with Madoff was part of a charitable trust and didn't have anything to do with his personal fortune. And he'd never even heard of Madoff before last week; the money was invested with Madoff via a third party. Please also note that he hasn't worried about the Madoff mess for a moment. "I spent the weekend taking my daughter to see the Jonas Brothers, so I haven't been thinking about this, and after that concert I'm trying to regain my hearing, which I've barely done." [NYM]

Looking for some proof that the American cultural economy is as busted as the financial one? Google just released its annual "Zeitgeist" report, which aggregates the billions of searches conducted on the site over the course of the year. Here are the top ten most popular searches for concert tickets: 1. Jonas Brothers; 2. Coldplay; 3. Hannah Montana; 4. Kenny Chesney; 5. Carrie Underwood; 6. Radiohead; 7. Lil Wayne; 8. Madonna; 9. Eagles; 10. Rascal Flatts. [Google Zeitgeist]

David Beckham walking around town with his sons on Saturday morning and later joining up with Victoria to take them to see Jersey Boys ... Agyness Deyn and Albert Hammond Jr. walking their dog and drinking coffee ... Britney Spears arriving at JFK yesterday ... The Jonas Brothers signing autographs outside their hotel ... Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes buying candy at the M&M's store in Times Square with Suri and Isabella ... Natalie Portman filming scenes for her new movie ... Hillary and Chelsea Clinton leaving Billy Elliot on Broadway ... Taylor Momsen standing on the Gossip Girl set ... Liev Schreiber and Naomi Watts walking downtown with cups of coffee in hand ... Miley Cyrus arriving at her hotel, accompanied by her mom and boyfriend, Justin Gaston ... and Tyra Banks leaving dinner with boyfriend John Utendahl.

Pictured on a Disney premiere red carpet is fraternal showbiz sensation the Emanuel Brothers—Ari (the sexy brooding one, and the brains of the operation), Rahm (the cute, vocal one), and Zeke (the goofier-looking older one who you'd still totally be thrilled to settle for)—sending their throngs of young admirers into screaming fits and fainting spells.Unlike so many other Hollywood stars, parents approve of these upstanding young men, who wear their good intentions right on their heads in the form of Purity Yarmulkes. Catch them next in The Emanuel Brothers: The 3-D Experience, the poster of which features the boys clutching Fendi bags on the steps of Air Force One as they jet off to play a command performance at President Elect Barack Obama's Inauguration. [Thanks to NOTFAIL blog for a Photoshop we really wish we'd thought of ourselves.]

Pop-country tween phenomenon Taylor Swift dropped by Ellen today to promote a new album of songs that tap deep into the wells of heartache she's already amassed in her scant 18 years on this planet. The most achy-breaky of all? Her breakup with dreamy-haired Jonas brother Joe, about whom she says pragmatically, "One day...I won't be able to remember the boy that broke up with me over the phone in 25 seconds when I was 18." What follows is a thunderous wave of "Ohhhhhhwaaahhhhhhwhoooooooaaaa" from the audience we think is supposed to encapsulate their shock, sympathy, and outrage over the callous tele-dumping. While we feel for the singer, we too are certain there's far more worthy suitors in her future, and she'll chalk this experience up to yet more grist for the country-song mill, culminating in a CMA-winning composition entitled, "I Need Your Lovin' (Like I Need A Fartin' Dog in My Dodge)." [Ellen]

From Us Weekly.

With the hearts of tens of millions teenage girls wrapped around their fingers like a 24-karat white gold ring inscribed "Bros before harlots - John 8:17," recording industry phenomenon the Jonas Brothers are now looking to conquer other facets of the entertainment realm. Their last movie, a Disney Channel original called Camp Rock, was a ratings bonanza for the network. Now, their leap to the big screen has finally arrived, in the form of a searing drama exploring the emotionally destructive toll canine flatulence can take on a family. Variety reports:

Click to viewBoomp3.com The baristas (baristi?) at a Toluca Lake coffee shop reached their breaking point with frequent customer Miley Cyrus over the weekend. According to one barista who spoke on the condition of anonymity, Cyrus’ frequent abuse of the homey atmosphere of the store may lead to her permanent eviction. They said, “We don’t mind it when people come in and hang out. We encourage it, but you have to buy a drink first. It’s the unspoken rule. She usually doesn’t order a drink until after an hour or two of just hanging out.” Apparently, Cyrus was in the store on Sunday for over forty-five minutes before placing her order for a caramel mocchachino with skim. It was at that point that Steve, the manager, warned her that she had just gotten her second strike. [Photo Credit: Splash Pics] *A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

Though it's been a long while since Courtney Love caused controversy at the VMAs, the singer wasn't about to let last night's purity ring flap pass by without giving that virginal young upstart Jordin Sparks the what-for. Yes, even though Love claims not to have watched last night's ceremony (though she adores host Russell Brand), she took to her blog to denounce the latest crop of chaste young performers, giving them the sort of X-rated advice that would make a Jonas Brother blush (not that Miley, though — she's heard it all). We've excerpted the best bits below, though we warn you that they're hard to read — not because of their shock value, but because their author is the garrulous misspeller Courtney Love:

To help generate further internet excitement and mainstream media buzz, tween superstar Miley Cyrus and potential one hit wonder Katy Perry air kissed their way down the red carpet at the VMAs on Sunday afternoon. Cyrus' mother, Tricia, made sure that she oversaw the air kissing and light hand holding. Mrs. Cyrus said, "I'm just here to make sure she doesn't run into that Ronson chick or get too buck wild. She's already had two Rock Stars, I think that's where it's going to stop today. "

While our comprehensive Dummies' Guide to the Jonas Brothers covered most of what you might need to know about the wholesome sibling trio should you, say, stumble into a chat room affecting the guise of a similarly adorable 14-year-old boy in search of some tweenage cyber-companionship, there are of course more advanced topics in applied Jonasology. Consider the following an appendix to your current course materials: VIII. KNOW YOUR WAX REPLICAS FROM YOUR REAL JONASESWho hasn't fantasized about the payday awaiting the first person to successfully clone the Jonases en masse, then sell the replicated musicians—either separately or as a set—to teenage fans, theirs to cycle through on an endless series of chaste fantasy dates. That technology is at least several years away, however, so we'll just have to settle for their wax likenesses, easy to tell apart from the real thing due to one telltale sign: The statues have the kind of shiny faces you might glimpse on actual teenagers, not the porcelain complexions gracing the world's dreamiest pop star family. [Photo Credit: Jeffrey Snyder/Madame Tussauds Washington D.C.]

Look, we're old. Not "old" old, but more like "the Olympics were so much better in Los Angeles" old. And definitely not "Beatlemania" old, but old enough to wonder if the Jonas Brothers phenomenon is anything like what we've heard about Beatlemania. We honestly don't know — before today we'd never listened to a Jonas Brothers song, we've never seen them perform, we don't even know which is which, only that the moppiest-headed one occasionally receives photos of Miley Cyrus eating her skivvies. But this week's seismic release of the new Jonas Brothers album A Little Bit Longer — and the ensuing tear-streaked, hair-gnawing tween bedlam (best evinced by the accompanying snapshot from the group's recent TRL appearance) — has us taking the Jonases' impact much more seriously. After all, today's young pop heroes are tomorrow's clinically wasted reality TV icons; on that basis alone their soaring stars deserve a closer look and deeper understanding — or at least a handy Defamer fact sheet for your water-cooler convenience. Everything you need to know is after the jump.I. KNOW YOUR JONASES

Tom Cruise walking Katie Holmes to rehearsals for her Broadway show ... Donnie and Marie Osmond performing on Good Morning America ... Taylor Swift leaving and then returning to her Midtown hotel ... the Jonas Brothers getting mobbed outside the Trump International Hotel ... the stars of the Dutch version of High School Musical eating lunch at Pastis ... Royston Langdon and a mystery brunette leaving Pastis ... and Beyonce and Jay-Z walking out of the Waverly Inn.