♦ Madonna and Alex Rodriguez were able to fly out to the Hamptons for a "quick and cozy rendezvous" without anyone knowing, but only because Jerry and Jessica Seinfeld picked the couple up (separately) from the East Hampton airport and let them hang out for several hours at their waterfront manse. [P6, The Sun]
♦ With her husband Rossano Rubicondi filming a reality show in Italy, Ivana Trump has been hanging out with a 23-year-old Belgian model named Marius Rusovici. [P6]
♦ Tina Brown and Cathie Black are enemies, apparently, since they "disagreed on just about everything" and "wouldn't even look at each other," at a conference this week. [R&M]
♦ Is John McCain making an Saturday Night Live appearance this weekend? Does anyone care? [MSNBC]

♦ Don't get your hopes up, but supposedly Madonna and Guy Ritchie are hoping to settle their divorce by early next week. Until then, though, we'll be treated to lots more gossip about their wacky marriage, including the set of rules Madonna posted on the wall of their Central Park West apartment and how she wanted to fill up their Olympic-size swimming pool with Kabbalah water. [NYP, Daily Mail]
♦ You think your house is complete chaos? For their stay in Berlin, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have six full-time nannies and a fleet of 20 Volkswagens (provided to them by the car company gratis, of course). [NYDN]
♦ Elizabeth Edwards, the wife of former presidential contender John Edwards, was spotted without her wedding ring at an event Monday night. Now the talk is that the couple isn't living together anymore either. [P6]
♦ Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen are supposedly feuding because Ashley wants a boob job, but doesn't want to get one unless Mary-Kate goes under the knife at the same time. [Star]

Twee crooner John Mayer on the trauma of 9/11: "[How] can you process the idea of everything changing and things never being the same when you have no point of reference for what 'everything' and 'the same' is?" Good point. [HuffPo]

♦ Angelina Jolie is either "burning up with jealousy" over Brad Pitt's flirtatious relationship with co-star Diane Kruger, or she's completely happy and getting ready for her next adoption in the next few weeks, depending on which tabloid you pick up. [Star, OK!]
♦ Elisabeth Hasselbeck gets more death threats than any other host on the View, news that probably won't surprise you. [P6]
♦ Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer spent last weekend at a romantic spa in Arizona. [Star]
♦ Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen appeared at a book signing yesterday, but they did not permit fans to talk to them. [P6]
♦ Page Six follows up on the news from three weeks ago and reports Ivanka Trump is converting to Judaism for Jared Kushner. She's attending synagogue regularly, too. [P6]

• Fashion student Andrea Feick, 19, met U2 singer Bono in a club on the French Rivieria, met up with him later in St. Tropez, walked on the beach with him, posed for a picture in a bikini from his lap and rode on his yacht. She can't believe anyone would insinuate they might be more than friends. He's "much older than I am!" Think that will work on Bono's wife? [Mail]

• Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes can't stop buying their East Village neighbors' apartments. There are two flats for staff alone. One's a gym. Everything's on a different floor. Insane. Sounds like them! [P6]

♦ Jennifer Aniston is pregnant with John Mayer's baby. At least that's what the always-reliable Star is now reporting. [Star]
♦ Remember how Donald Trump said he'd help Ed McMahon by buying his home out of foreclosure? Seems like it was just a publicity stunt at McMahon's expense, although Ed's newfound career as a rap artist should pay the bills for now. [P6]
♦ Your daily dose of Madonna-Guy news: Madge says her husband lived "like a king" off her money and she's insisting the kids be with her during the holidays ("Christmas doesn't exist in the Madonna household because of Kabbalah"). For his part, Guy may already have a new girlfriend. [Daily Mail, Mirror, Page Six]

• Madonna's estranged, tell-all-writing brother Chris Ciccone blamed Kabbalah for her divorce from Guy Ritchie. Others, meanwhile, blame Ritchie's "unsympathetic" reaction to her 2005 fall from a horse, which broke eight bones.

♦ Madonna and Guy Ritchie's divorce wasn't a huge revelation after months of rumors. But now it turns out the couple hadn't even been on speaking terms for months, and had been communicating through their assistants. Also: Guy may lose custody of his sons if Madonna decides to leave London and settle in NYC full-time. [Us, People]
♦ The namecalling has started: Madonna called Guy "emotionally retarded" at her Boston concert on Wednesday night, and now Guy's father is calling Madonna "beastly." [The Sun, Telegraph]
♦ Peter Cook and Diana Bianchi aren't happy about the leak of their sex tape. Who's to blame? Peter is blaming Diana. Diana, meanwhile, says it couldn't have been her since she didn't even know he was taping them having sex in his Southampton office. [P6, ET]
♦ Did Tea Leoni have a fling with Billy Bob Thorton while she was still with David Duchovny? [Extra, E!]

• Téa Leoni, who encouraged husband David Duchovny to seek treatment for sex addiction, fell in with Billy Bob Thornton, who has been married five times and has a child with his current girlfriend. Téa became his rock band groupie and accumulated dirty text messages from the actor on her cell phone. She's now separated from Duchovny and free to track down every last sex-addicted actor on the planet. (And Neel Shah is realizing the Truth Was Out There.) [Mail]

We certainly hope Anna has something special planned in the office today: Vogue editor-at-large Andre Leon Talley celebrates his 59th birthday. Also: Tim Robbins is turning 50. John Mayer is 31. Cablevision billionaire Chuck Dolan is 82. JetBlue founder David Neeleman is turning 49. Broadway producer Jeffrey Seller is 44. Art collector Donald Jonas turns 79. Flea, from the Red Hot Chili Peppers, is 46. Angela Lansbury turns 83. And Suzanne Somers of Three's Company fame is 62.

♦ Now that Madonna and Guy Ritchie have officially split, the focus is now on her relationship with Alex Rodriguez: Some say he knew that the separation announcement was coming, which is why he's been "lying low" in a five-star Beverly Hills hotel for the past few days. [Us, NYP, E!]
♦ How's Guy doing? Don't worry about him: He could walk away with as much as $250 mil. in a settlement since he and Madonna never had a prenup. [NYP]
♦ A sex tape starring Peter Cook and Diana Bianchi may be out there, although Cook's lawyers are still saying he has "no knowledge" it exists. [P6]
♦ David Duchovny and Tea Leoni have officially split up. We're as shocked as you are [E!]
♦ Raffaello Follieri didn't just swindle adults. He also tricked a 15-year-old girl by promising to get her Anne Hathaway's autograph and then never coming though. Now she's suing him. [NYDN]

• Britney Spears' last tour led to $34 million and a descent into insanity. This time around she just wants the money. [Billboard]

♦ Are Madonna and Guy Ritchie really divorcing? It might be another rumor or really a Sun exclusive, but the British tabloid says they plan to announce the split as soon as today. [The Sun]
♦ Christie Brinkley is suing Peter Cook for violating the couple's confidentiality agreement by talking about their relationship on 20/20. [NYP]
♦ The "mystery illness" that's caused Janet Jackson to cancel tour dates is supposedly a vestibular migraine, which "induces the sensation of vertigo." The good news is that now she's apparently cured. [ET]
♦ Raffaello Follieri's lawyers yesterday asked a judge to "go easy" on Raffaello in exchange for his quick return to Italy where he'll "never be heard from again." Ha! [NYDN]
♦ The 40-year-old CEO of a company called Future Tech Enterprise on Long Island is actually paying $20,000 to box Michael Lohan. And Stephen Baldwin is now planning to serve as the match judge. [Newsday via NYO]

Dave Chappelle walking with his wife and kids in SoHo ... John Mayer leaving his apartment building with a duffel bag ... Michael Stipe leaving lunch at Souen on East 13th Street ... Mary-Kate Olsen walking with her finger wrapped in a bandage ... Sarah Silverman and Tina Fey outside the Letterman show ... Jessica Alba standing on the sidewalk with her bodyguard holding her waist... Lindsay Lohan going into Kirna Zabete in SoHo, and later leaving the Bowery Hotel ... and Dina and Ali Lohan leaving the launch of Lindsay's new clothing line at Henri Bendel.

• Anderson Cooper's great-great-grandfather, Cornelius Vanderbilt, held as a slave cousin now owns the plantation where Michelle Obama's great-great-grandfather, Jim Robinson once worked. Cooper's cousin has invited Obama to visit her ancestor's grave. (CORRECTION: CNN said Obama's ancestor did not work for Vanderbilt. [R&M]

♦ Is Lauren Bush supporting Barack Obama? Maybe. The niece of the president praised the Democratic nominee in a recent interview and she decided against using her family name for her new clothing line, Lauren Pierce, taking her grandmother's maiden name instead. [P6]
♦ Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson are either engaged or splitting up, depending on what you read. [Daily Mail, MSN]
♦ Marc Jacobs is supposedly jealous that his ex, Jason Preston, is dating someone else, even though he has a new boyfriend of his own, too. [P6]
♦ He can't afford a plane, but Diddy did get to upgrade to a new Rolls-Royce last week. [P6]
♦ In a new memoir, Maureen McCormick (Marcia Brady from The Brady Bunch) says she used to trade sex for coke. [NYDN]

Chelsea Clinton walking in flip-flops with a cup of espresso in hand ... Penn Badgley and Ed Westwick filming scenes for Gossip Girl outside the Palace Hotel ... Kate Winslet and Sam Mendes laughing with friends in Times Square ... Tom Cruise and daughter Suri leaving their apartment ... Rachel Bilson making an in-store appearance at Macy's in Herald Square ... John Mayer leaving his apartment with a big bag ... Madonna's kids Lourdes and Rocco arriving at the Kabbalah Center ... Tim Robbins and Brian Williams outside the Letterman show ... Sarah Silverman and Jimmy Kimmel getting in an SUV after Howard Stern and Beth Ostrosky's wedding at Le Cirque ... Angelina Jolie outside Lee's Art Shop on West 57th Street with her kids, and later leaving Nobu with Brad Pitt.

John Mayer leaving a Krav Maga session on West 22nd Street ... Sarah Jessica Parker and Caroline Kennedy making a promotional appearance at the Barnes & Nobles in Tribeca ... Alex Rodriguez having lunch outside at Bar Pitti ... Katie Holmes signing autographs outside the Schoenfeld Theatre ... Madonna and son David walking into the Kabbalah Center ... Sandra Bernhard leaving the center with her daughter hours later ... Kate Walsh and Barry Sonnenfeld outside the Letterman show ... Britney Spears heading inside Soho House ... and Jay-Z standing on the sidewalk in the West Village.

Boomp3.com Life must be a permanent vacation for Smart Water spokesperson Jennifer Aniston. Aniston felt that another vacation as on the white sand beaches of Mexico was in order to fully get over the recent split from dorm rock crooner John Mayer, but Aniston still hasn't been able to shake his memory. Aniston said, "I walk into the resort and somebody at the bar is doing that karaoke thing and they're doing one of the songs by that joker. Then at dinner, a mariachi band plays another one of his songs. I may have to go to the South Pole if I want to get away from all of my exes." Then Aniston remembered that it's cold down at the South Pole and she's not a fan of snow pants. [Photo Credit: Splash Pics] *A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.