Neil Patrick Harris is having twins. Lindsay Lohan is mentoring young girls. Katy Perry crashes a prom. Maybe we're going to see angry Mel Gibson text messages. Famous matchmaker's engagement goes sour. Sunday's Gossip Round Up, coming up!

To prove she is a natural human, an aging actress must post flawed pictures online. Montana Fishburne faces criminal charges for beating up her boyfriend's ex. Kelsey Grammer's flight attendant girlfriend is pregnant. Thursday gossip contains the circle of life.

It's true. A waitress done up and punched her in the face. At least she's not Kristen Stewart, who fears her fans will kill her. Or at least she's not anyone else featured in this Friday gossip splooge.

Girls Gone Wild's Joe Francis—the last man we can safely call a douchebag—sent us some half-literate legal threats after we named him Douche of the Decade. What's Joe up to now? Sending half-literate legal threats to bloggers, still.

We're just torturing starlets at this point, right? Heidi Montag gets a role in an Adam Sandler film. Corey Haim is tied to a "massive" drug ring. Padma debuts her miracle baby. Saturday gossip tickles and coos.

Joe Francis' tax problems: no more. The Giuliani's make their migration nest nice. Brad Pitt's pot policies. The Eternal Sunshine of Tiger Woods' penis doesn't last. People cares about Michael Jackson's kids. Presenting your Valentine's Day Morning Gossip Roundup:

After tweeting that she hadn't slept for four days straight following the death of fiancée Casey Johnson, the internet's favorite oversexed pocket-celebrity, Tila Tequila, went AWOL for two days, only to return by announcing "I HAVE NO FRIENDS!"

What else? Joe Francis might have had something to do with Tila Tequila/Casey Johnson. Angelie Jolie's latest production: Salt-y. Artie Lange has a gig, Lydia Hearst has a mans, Patti Smith's still punk. Presenting your Sunday Morning Gossip Roundup:

• You know that New York's crime rate is at an all-time low (or it's just a really slow news week) when NYPD commissioner Ray Kelly injects himself into any investigation involving Jon Gosselin that doesn't include the reality TV trainwreck's murder. Kelly says the NYPD has yet to determine whether someone really ransacked Jon Gosselin's Upper West Side apartment last weekend, or if it was just a big publicity stunt carried out by Gosselin and/or girlfriend Hailey Glassman. But the investigation continues, he says, so rest assured a few more of your tax dollars will be spent getting to the bottom of things. [NYDN]
• The call that Charlie Sheen's wife, Brooke Mueller, made to 911 on Christmas Day has been released. According to a one report, the couple's argument—in which Sheen allegedly pulled out a knife and said he'd kill her, thus landing him in the clink—was all over a Christmas present. [People, Us, E!]
• You knew Michael Lohan wasn't the world's best father or ex-husband. But he sounds like a pretty horrific fiancé, too. In newly filed court documents, Michael Lohan's ex, Erin Muller, says Lindsay Lohan's dad repeatedly abused her during their relationship, once beat her up for having a male friend on Facebook, and even kicked her "in the vagina" on one occasion. [TMZ]

We were worried that naming Joe Francis Gawker's Douche of the Decade might go to the drunk-girls-with-low-self-esteem kingpin's head. Would he simply rest on his laurels and give up the pursuit of douche perfection? Luckily, Francis has not failed us.

With, let's say, 140% of the vote reporting, we are deeply ashamed to announce that Girls Gone Wild impresario Joe Francis is Gawker's Douche of the Decade.

This has been the Decade of the Douchebag. There's no denying it. Though we've retired the term, we're bringing it back to identify the douche who was the douchiest. You get the chance to pick our winner.

• Down-and-out former pageant queen Carrie Prejean must be getting really desperate: She's turning to Donald Trump for career advice. Trump suggested she "become a major porn star," make tons of cash and then "give it to worthy causes." Clearly, it's this type of forward thinking that has made Trump the business titan he is. [P6]
• Nic Cage's lawyer now says the countersuit by the actor's former business manager—Samuel Levin claims he warned Cage about his "compulsive, self-destructive spending" years ago—is "ridiculous." As for Cage himself, he's in Somalia right now facing down evil pirates since he's under the impression that his life is one big action movie, but says he'll sort everything out once he gets back to the States. [P6]
• Lou Dobbs is taking a vacation now that he's no longer with CNN. Mexico is not on his travel itinerary, in case you were wondering. [NYP]
• Larry King's 10-year-old son is the luckiest boy in all of Los Angeles today: He's been signed to host his own cable TV show. Ain't nepotism grand? [TMZ]
• Amy Winehouse's dad says his daughter's new breast implants are leaking, which is why she's been in the hospital recently. But presumably that's to be expected if you poke yourself with needles all day, no? [Sun]

• Madonna reveals all sorts of juicy, personal stuff in an interview in the November issue of Rolling Stone. Like how she really wanted to work with Eminem, but he turned her down (ouch); how her graffiti tag name back in the '80s was "Boy Toy" (how ironic!); and how she was a total geek in high school, just like every other celeb in the universe. [P6, NYDN]
• Penelope Cruz is making a cameo in the Sex & the City sequel. Get ready to suspend belief: She'll be playing the role of a banker. [People]
• Emanuel Ungaro "creative consultant" Lindsay Lohan is blaming the epic disaster that was her recent fashion show in Paris on "coming in so late and having not that much time to do a whole collection." She also says she's still "learning" and that the negative press isn't going to stop her from returning to Paris in a few months to give it another shot. You go, girl! [People]
• Because he's a romantic at heart, Alex Rodriguez flew to Miami for a single night to take Kate Hudson to dinner. Oh, yea, and to see his kids, too. [P6]

Lindsay Lohan tries to explain her adventures in fashion. Britney Spears receives a dubious award. Joe Francis has no backbone. And we feel bad for Leona Lewis. Yes, it's your Thursday morning gossip roundup. It's it's chock full of nuts!

• Heidi Klum and Seal have a new addition to the family: Lou Sulola, who was born on Friday night and joins siblings Johan, Henry, and Leni. [People]
• Tyra Banks ought to be in a good mood today. Not only has she dropped four dress sizes recently, she's been named the "top-earning primetime TV star" by Forbes thanks to the $30 million she's collected over the past year. [Daily Mail, MSNBC]
• The latest legal tiff between Christie Brinkley and Peter Cook is over: The couple has settled their dispute, which means neither of them will be heading off to jail. [People]
• Was Penelope Cruz sporting a giant sapphire and diamond ring the other night because she really is engaged to Javier Bardem? And did she wear a bulky sweater over her dress because she's pregnant? So many questions, so few answers. Sigh. [P6, NYDN]

Tilda Swinton and Donald Trump fighting. So are Tori Spelling and Star. And, yes, even Gore Vidal and Ed Koch. But at least there's some love: Heidi Klum and Seal had baby number four. Welcome to your Tuesday gossip roundup!

Michael Jackson saw rivalry in Madonna's eyes, Kelly Rutherford's husband won't be coming near her, and Jude Law's not the best father. All that and more in your Friday morning Gossip Roundup!

Look out ladies—Joe Francis is a free man again! The alleged arm-twisting sexual aggressor and loathsome Girls Gone Wild founder copped a guilty plea yesterday, ending his battle with federal prosecutors over tax evasion.

Joe Francis' storied career has been the Wal-Mart of slime: something to offend the whole family. Tax evasion, child exploitation, assaulting the press — he's got bargains in every aisle. Some wondered, what's left? But Francis has topped himself.