Host Joan Rivers opened Friday's Fashion Police with snide remarks about Mariah Carey's possibly pregnant belly. After kicking off with a low blow, the mean streak continued with a round of Starlet or Streetwalker. It's exactly as it sounds.

Today at Gawker.TV, Millionaire Matchmaker's Patti Stanger has a Christian Bale-sized freakout, David Letterman celebrates 17 years on CBS, and Joan Rivers and the Fashion Police deem Neil Patrick Harris and Anna Paquin the worst dressed at the Emmy Awards.

Charice, the 18-year-old Filipino singer, is preparing for her role in the upcoming season of Glee not by practicing her singing or dancing, but by getting Botox and other treatments. This is really dumb.

During an appearance on the Ed Sullivan show in 1967, Joan Rivers talks about how women have far more societal expectations than men, such as finding a husband before age 25.

Joan Rivers swung by Good Morning America today to promote her new documentary, Joan Rivers: A Piece of Work. Additionally, Rivers sounded off on old people, plastic surgery, her status as a "legend," and being content with her clean diaper.

The evolution of the dressing room, and bras in butts. That's what you will get from Ellen in this clip.

The "stars" of Dancing With the Stars can often be questionable, but one thing the producers of the show are sure about is that they don't want Joan Rivers. Joan's desperation and her tearing apart of Kate Gosselin inside!

Tonight, the new season of The Celebrity Apprentice premiered. Video of the episode's two standout moments—in which Rod Blagojevich was caught in a lie and Donald Trump argued with Cyndi Lauper about how "disgusting" Rosie O'Donnell is—is inside.

With 2010's awards season finally over, it was time for the tasteless, talentless* E! Fashion Police critique of the Oscars' sartorial winners and losers. Joan Rivers shined with her characteristically brusque humor and absolute refusal to kiss Hollywood's infinite ass.

Every drag queen, club kid, and homosexual in New York (and in the media) came out to celebrate the silver anniversary of the downtown chronicler extraordinaire. It was like Area all over again!

During NBC 4's 5:00 newscast today, Chuck Scarborough broke in and informed viewers that a man was killed by a falling, snow-covered tree branch at Central Park. Joan Rivers, in the studio for an interview, replied, "Who cares!" Video inside.

[Delicate, perfectly-constructed flower Joan Rivers waves kindly to paparazzi in LA; image via INF]

Logan Lerman rumormongers about his own role. There is a glut of 3D movies. Nelly Furtado's in a hockey musical. The 'Paranormal Activity' people have five more films coming. Ease yourself into the Trade Roundup's all-leather interior.

Joan Rivers stopped The Wendy Williams Show and the two discussed the obvious topic of the day: Heidi Montag's recent plastic surgery. Big surprise, Joan is more than cool with it.

On Sunday, Joan Rivers was not allowed to board a Newark-bound flight in Costa Rica because a gate agent deemed her double-named passport "suspicious." Tonight, she went on Larry King Live to tell her side, and hurled insult after insult.

• What caused the death of troubled socialite and heiress Casey Johnson, who was discovered dead in her LA home yesterday? It's too soon to say since toxicology results are pending, although at least one tabloid is suggesting prescription pills may have been involved. In a bizarre twist to the story, Johnson's "fiancée," reality TV star/fame addict Tila Tequila, tweeted last night that Johnson hadn't actually died and was really in a coma, before backtracking a little while later and acknowledging what had already been confirmed by the police. Tequila's also believed to be the last person to have seen the Johnson & Johnson heiress alive. [TMZ, NYP, NYDN]
• It looks like when Beyoncé performed in St. Barts on New Year's Eve, she was doing so at the behest of Hannibal Khadafy, the son of Libyan dictator Moammar Khadafy. This would be the same man who is rumored to have broken his wife's nose last month, was arrested in 2005 for punching her, and was detained by the police in Geneva in 2008 for beating his servants. So either Beyoncé is really hard up for cash (which is doubtful), or she needs someone to vet her public appearances going forward. [P6]
• The third White House state dinner crasher has been identified. His name is Carlos Allen and he's a DC-based party promoter, and he managed to sneak into the White House by hopping on a bus filled with Indian diplomats. [WP]
• Susan Sarandon has denied reports that she's involved with Jonathan Bricklin, her partner in SPiN, the ping pong club on the East Side. But a source close to the 31-year-old entrepreneur says Bricklin and Sarandon spent New Year's together and were very "touch-feely." [Fox411]

L.A. Dodger Matt Kemp squeezed Rihanna. Who's happier, him or the photographer who shot it? Vince Vaughn gets married. Gaga gets a new look. Jeremy Piven has a lobotomy scar? Tuesday gossip has room for argument.

• Diane Sawyer's World News debut lifted the newscast's ratings a bit. [LAT]
• As for Sawyer's performance last night, some critics weigh in. [NYT, WP, BG]
• Chris Albrecht, who served as HBO's chief executive until he was fired for pulling a Chris Brown on his girlfriend, is now in charge of Starz. [DH, NYT]
• The second episode of Keeping Up With the Kardashians has set a new ratings record for the series and E! Congrats, America. You must be very proud. [THR]
• In related news, Kim has replaced Paris in TV's dirtiest burger ad. [NYDN]
• In other random TV news, CNN has made a minor change to its lineup; and Joan Rivers, who ditched E! in 2005 after a dispute over money, is back.
• It may have been Google that decided not to buy Yelp, not vice versa. [Bits]
• Is TMZ planning to launch a sports-related site? It's looking like it. [PC]
• Hollywood grossed $10 billion at the box office in '09; it's a new record. [AP]
• Kim Peek, the savant who inspired Rain Man, has died at age 58. [NPR]

• DJ AM's overdose on Friday appears to have been accidental, according to law enforcement sources who spoke with TMZ. It seems the celeb DJ, who claimed he'd been sober for 11 years, only started using drugs again after he was prescribed anti-anxiety and pain meds following his plane crash last year. [TMZ, NYDN]
• Those rumors that Chelsea Clinton plans to marry boyfriend Marc Mezvinsky in Martha's Vineyard this summer are heating up again. A large tent and stage have been set up in the area, although no one's sure if it's for the Clinton wedding. [P6]
• Joan Rivers says Libyan leader Moammar Khadafy was thinking about renting her Fifth Avenue apartment for $200K a week, but recently changed his mind. The upshot? Rivers won't have to worry about the dictator "roasting cows in her living room." [P6]

Heidi Montag wants to be impregnated. Bethenny Frankel wants new friends. And Martha's Vineyard wants to see Chelsea Clinton wear white. Good morning! It's Monday's Gossip Roundup!