As it turns out, Albert Einstein was not only the genius behind the theory of relativity, he was an inveterate coozehound whose quest for quim took him across two continents. A newly released tranche of the great man's letters reveal a super-stud who loved up the ladies so well that they wouldn't leave him alone. (Also revealed: The theory of relativity was initially formatted as the pickup line "You = One Fine Lookin' Bitch.") We're not sure how this will change the historical perspective on Einstein or his discoveries, but we're talking about a smart, confident, sexually voracious Jew here: Somebody call David Marchese!

The MTA may not care how much shit the Jews for Jesus slap against its walls, but let them make a graven image using the transit agency's logos and the anger of the righteous finally descends. Seems the MTA has trademarked the concept of letters with a circle around them for almost the entire alphabet, and they're none to pleased by the JFJ's attempts to use their logotypes on T-shirts. The JFJ, on the other hand, had this rather curious reaction:

We'd like to take a moment here and ask all the goyim to stop reading. Don't worry, we'll get a post about mayonnaise or yachting up soon. But right now we'd just like to speak to the Jews in the audience. Specifically the man Jews. Everyone else please avert your eyes.

Law & Order: SVJew
Cops: Hymietown
The Thin Jew Line
NYPD 'brew
Turner & Jewch

It's hard enough to take the subways these days, what with the incessant heat, summer odors, and random risk of being attacked by power tools, but those of you unfortunate enough to need to transfer between the A/C/E and 1/2/3 lines at 42nd Street will be subjected to a whole new assault: the ministrations of Jews for Jesus. That's right, it's JFJ month here in New York, and the controversial group, whose belief that Judaism is even better when you add a little Jesus to it (which, quite frankly, we thought was the whole idea behind Christianity in the first place) has bought ads throughout the entire corridor between the two lines. While some might find this to be an overly aggressive attempt to recruit new membership, we're of the opinion the organization only purchased so many spots because of the presumable volume discount involved. Let's be honest: They may love Jesus and all, but they're still Jews.

• Katie Couric to narrate PBS docu on Walter Cronkite. No one ever said she's not clever. [B&C]
• Why does Bush likes to pick on the Times? Because of the Jews, of course. [SFChron]
• The New Yorker rock critic Sasha Frere-Jones wants to be a rocker, too. [LAWeekly]
• September VF will focus on fashion, be as fat as Vogue. [WWD]

The Times' retail reporter, the petite and Jewish Michael Barbaro, who yesterday wrote about the availability of petite-size clothing at Saks, informs us on today's frontpage that jobs at Walmart's HQ are apparently having the surprising effect of bringing Jews to Bentonville, Arkansas. (We, as Jews, find this situation just as troubling as we imagine the Bentonvillians do.) How many Jews have shown up in Bentonville? Enough for them to open their own synagogue — which recently celebrated its first bar mitzvah. And how did Bentonville mark the occasion? With two local DJs, who broadcast "Another Tim and Jeff Travelogue on Power 105.7!" to teach their listeners about this mysterious ritual. Barbaro quotes from the beginning of the segment:

As the nation revels in the ongoing delight that is World Cup soccer (yay! rah! is it still going on?), blogstress and comedienne Susie Felber nips into one of the writery/soccery blogs that has popped up, The New Republic's "Goal Post: Franklin Foer and Friends on the World Cup." Susie explains that she was led to the site by a spam from TNR, which promised:

• Highlights turns 60. Gallant is excited, Goofus is off in the corner reading porn. [BG]
• President Bush apologizes to blind reporter he mocked yesterday, scraps plan to ask deaf journalist "Can you hear me now?" [Wonkette]
• Time Out ups the ante in city's ever-growing critical-assessment arsenal. BONUS: Frank Bruni describes what a star looks like. [NYT]
• Memo to media Jews: If you promise to stop writing articles about soccer, we'll promise to pretend that you're really virile, rugged athletic types. [NYO]
• Rupert Murdoch not just in it for the evil, also likes the money aspect. [Forbes]

Because apparently the County Clerk's Office finds "Hymietown" distasteful.

A reader was apparently handed this card by a tall, dreadlocked man outside the East Village gay bar Eastern Bloc* sometime this weekend — and now we totally know what we want for our next birthday. We can't imagine anything better than a personalized performance from a tall Jewish rapper — except maybe for a performance from a tall Jewish rapper who is, judging from the seal in the card's lower left corner, endorsed by The New Republic. Score.

Yeah, we thought yesterday's Anderson Cooper interview was bad. But, still, this seems an excessive punishment.

Tickets for Radiohead's two June shows at the Madison Square Garden theater went on sale Friday morning at 10 AM and, predictably, sold out about 4 minutes later. Naturally this creates all sorts of opportunities for lucky ticketholders to dangle their spares about Craigslist, resulting in the all-too-typical "I'm lonely and and want a hottie" ticket offer. We expect these to grow more and more perverse as the show dates near:

Though it would seem that the world has finally come to terms with the fact that Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes managed to orchestrate some sort of birth, there's still much confusion over the origins over their new daughter's name, Suri. Cruise's spokesperson has said that the name Suri has origins in ancient Hebrew as a variation on Sarah (hence the Kabbalah explanation), but its direct Hebrew meaning is less complicated:

Joan Rivers just can't get enough of internet dating. After being revealed as a user of Match.com, she went on the Today Show to talk about her frustrations and go on five quickie dates with five very uncomfortable men. Presumably none of those worked out enough to keep her occupied, and so Joan's taken to playing matchmaker for advertising guru and talk show host Donny Deutsch. Why, does His Manliness need a little help? Apparently the fig-leaf-cum-swimsuit isn't doing him any favors.

A New Yorker remembers time spent on that special part of 3rd Avenue:

We know this has been around a bit already, but we couldn't resist noting the anti-Bruce Ratner Passover Haggadah ("for an Atlantic Yardseder") that's been circulating for the last few days. Because, hey, if this doesn't say, "Oh no, we're totally not a bunch of barely sane kvetchers," we don't know what does.

Discovered while self-Technorati'ing:

Without much comment, we present a press release specially selected — chosen, if you will — for this Hebraically significant day. Herewith, a new argument for why we lean to the left each time we drink a glass of wine:

• ABC is rumored to be eyeing Everybody Loves Raymond star Patricia Heaton as Meredith Vieira's replacement on The View. Heaton is a right-winger, which means Elizabeth Hasselbeck won't be as necessary to the mix, and she may be booted for Fuse VJ Marianela Pereyra. Back to Survivor for you, Lizzie. [Page Six]
• That being said, we wonder how much Heaton and Pereyra paid for the above item. [NYP]
• There's a reason you're shelling out $384 for a ticket to see Madonna: she's got to cover the costs of having the entire floor of hotels all to her lonesome. [R&M]
• Those who worked with kosher caterer Arthur Schick say he would physically grab people and force them to clear off tables — so the idea that he incited a Hasidic riot really isn't so far-fetched. [Lowdown]
• Jennifer Aniston goes apartment-hunting in Chicago, calls herself a "fighting Illini." [IMDb]