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We'd like to take a moment here and ask all the goyim to stop reading. Don't worry, we'll get a post about mayonnaise or yachting up soon. But right now we'd just like to speak to the Jews in the audience. Specifically the man Jews. Everyone else please avert your eyes.

Okay, they gone? Good. Listen up, fellas: we've got a problem. It's a cataclysm the likes of which we haven't seen since Marilyn Monroe left Arthur Miller. The thing is, well, you're letting the tribe down. According to Salon, and who would know better, Jews are no longer cool. (Unless you read the sidebar to the story, in which case they are.) David Marchese is worried that you're all criers and kibitzers, kibitzers and criers. (Especially you, Schwimmer, with that ferkakte giraffe in the animal movie.) Marchese sees the problem, and has a solution:

"What we need is the re-emergence of a famous Jewish man who is by turns suave, sophisticated, sexy and tough to pin down. There are actors out there with the potential to take on this role, but so far no one has stepped up to the plate. We need a dude you might laugh with, but would never think to laugh at. Someone unafraid to just be in the world and not lapse into schlubbiness. We need someone like this, and we need him bad, because right now the closest we've got is Leonard Cohen and he's a septuagenarian Buddhist monk."

Really? Is this really how low we've sunk? Marchese's examples of bad role models include Ben Stiller, Adam Sandler, and Larry David, three of the most successful, in-demand, well-compensated actors working today. This article is disappointing on so many levels, but mostly because of this: These guys are rich! You can go on about sophistication and sex appeal all you want, but it doesn't sound very Jewish to us.

We remember when it was just about the money.

Cool Jews [Salon]