The idea is to serve, protect, and not round off the corners of your head or the edges of your beard. Payot intact, the newest member of the NYPD, a dyed-in-the-wool Hasid from Williamsburg named Joel Witriol, will be "on the job" starting New Year's Eve, keeping the city's transit system free of goyim-induced danger as you scurry off to shul. No word yet on whether he'll be riding the Hanukkah caravan in Union Square next holiday season, but given recent events, we're thrilled to see a touch more diversity on the force.

Last evening, as the days grew ever closer to Christmas, we decided to investigate whether Judith Regan's allegations of a Jewish media cabal were true, and so we headed to the launch-slash-holiday party for Jewcy.com. More than one person has informed us that Jewcy is the "Jewish Slate" (a moniker which we find almost redundant, but never mind), and the scene at the Ars Nova penthouse (more on that later) was appropriately intellectual Jew-y, with some low-cut-dress-wearing shiksas thrown in for good measure. We sent along Gawker Associate Editor Doree Shafrir, herself a member of the Jewish media cabal, and resident Gawker photographer Nikola Tamindzic , himself a celebrator of Orthodox Christmas, which isn't even in December, to see what was what.

In her latest Letter from Locoland, Sun columnist Alicia Colon takes a strong stand against religious bigotry:

• Apparently, what finally got Judith Regan canned was making anti-Semitic comments. When are people going to learn that you cannot fuck with the Jews? Also, if anyone out there knows what she said specifically, get in touch. We'll pay top dollar to either of you Jew lawyers who were on the other end of the phone. [NYT]
  

Ethnic studies specialist David Duke is currently in Tehran attending that super-fun "The Jews Are Ruining Everything, Which Is Odd, Because Nothing Bad Has Ever Happened To Them, Especially Not Six Million Of Them Getting Gassed And Stuffed Into Easy-Bake Ovens" conference, but he took time away from his busy schedule to chat with famous American Jew reporter Wolf Blitzer. We're providing you with this excerpt because we believe that it proves our longstanding belief that David Duke takes all the fun out of Heeb-hating. Stop ruining it for everyone, David!

Say what you will about Harvey Weinstein - he's a big fat Heeb with a bad temper and a gruff, uncouth manner - but the man knows his marketing. Consider the forthcoming Black X-Mas, a Santa-slasher pic from the Weinstein Company being released on Christmas Day! The holiest day of the year! Predictably, the outrage police have already had their hackles raised: Matt Drudge links to this Nikki Finke cri de couer:

So let's see if we've got this one straight. A now-73-year-old rabbi named Joel Goor and a 48-year-old woman named Janet Pizzo (that's the shiksa, at right) start an affair. It goes on for years, but all is not well in paradise. Seems the woman is a little too ... trashy for the refined, cultured rabbi, and he wants to make sure she doesn't embarrass him in front of his friends. So he makes her sign a document saying, among other things, that she'll attempt to speak English properly with his "delicate guidance" and that she agrees to get liposuction from the neck down. In return, she was supposed to get half of a home in Throgs Neck and $125,000 if they split up. Needless to say, the rabbi wasn't interested in holding up his end of the bargain.

Kramer's having kind of a bad week, isn't he? TMZ reports that new accusations have just surfaced from a couple who claim that Richards went literally Mel Gibson on them during a show at the Improv. But maybe he was just cracking some particularly edgy jokes? Well, judge for yourselves (again):

Courtesy a flack at the Forward comes a cheery reminder of how Jews rule the world (aka a press release about the paper's list of the 50 Most Influential Jews in America, published this Friday), complete with overly clever addition of Virginia Senator George Allen in the 51st slot. We've got Jon Stewart (duh), Abe Foxman (bleh), and ... Scarlett Johansson? Pardon us for being late to the party, but we had no idea Scarlett Jo was a member of the tribe. Apparently her mom is Jewish, which makes Woody Allen's love for her that much more ... tender.

We're not sure we've ever seen a political candidate so desperate for votes that he'd claim to be kinda, sorta Jewish, but Republican Senate hopeful John Spencer (don't worry, tomorrow you can go back to thinking, "The Blues Explosion guy?") clearly needs some kind of Election Day miracle to compete with Hillary's Jewish step-great-grandfather.

If what we're hearing is true, Not Chosen, the schmuck who has attempted to parlay his "I'm not Jewish, but my Jewish magazine bosses think I am" act into a blog persona and even a t-shirt sideline, has some 'splainin to do.

Since July, we've been intermittently following the occasionally funny-ish but more often just weird adventures of Not Chosen Just Posin', a Catholic guy who "didn't mean to take a job with a Jewish magazine." He blogs about his wacky hijinx like not knowing who Queen Esther is and not knowing what a 'bris' is. Har har. Anyway, we know that today is supposedly all about a real Jew pretending to be a raging anti-Semite, but we kind of prefer to focus on Not Chosen, who seems to us to be a fake Jew doing a bad job of disguising the fact that he might sort of be a little tiny bit of a real anti-Semite. Seriously, dude, you're not Jewish, and no matter how many times you profess your admiration for Jewish culture and Jewish chicks, it doesn't actually make it funny to post a picture of an Orthodox rabbi davening on your Blogger profile.
Well, if NC is as good at being an editor as he seems to think he is, we're sure he'll be able to keep his job if word of his identity gets out. Remember, he works at a Jewish magazine with lots of celebrity coverage. Send us your guesses!

In his forthcoming Good Morning America interview with Diane Sawyer, Mel Gibson confronts his intense hatred of Jews, saying that his recent anti-Semitic comments were just "the stupid rambling of a drunkard" and that "the last thing I want to be is that kind of monster." Alas, someone might want to remind Mel that one is often judged by the company one keeps:

Today, New York magazine's website launches its long-awaited Daily Intelligencer, their catch-all front page blog edited by Gawker alum Jesse Oxfeld. It's what you'd expect of a blog: succinct recaps of Times, metro goings-on, word of a hairdresser's secret race car hobby. Not that there's anything wrong with that! But we'd like to focus more on the timing of Oxfeld's new venture, the debut of which falls squarely in the midst of Sukkot. Sukkot commemorates the forty-year period during which the children of Israel were wandering in the desert, living in temporary shelters, following their exodus from Egypt. Is it any coincidence that Oxfeld rejoices/blogs on this day? Mazel tov, indeed.

After weeks of ads touting the newest New York blog, Title T/K, we've been aquiver in anticipation for the site. Well, 10.02.06 has finally arrived, and the whole damn thing is T/K. We're hearing that the reason for the failure to launch has something to do with the blog's editor, Gawker alum Jesse Oxfeld, who refuses to work on Yom Kippur. (Hope all you Jews are enjoying your atonement, by the way. Just focus on the couple of pounds you're going to lose by sundown!) It's nice to know that, series of announcement ads or not, you don't say no to the Sandy Koufax of blogging. Still, our understanding is that the thing will start up next Monday, i.e., Columbus Day. Will no one speak for the wops?

• This three minute, well-disguised "commercial" for Remington might be the most ridiculous display of pubic hair humor we've seen since the 8th grade. [Kontraband via Adrants]
• So everyone loves Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip. But there's one real problem: how can you have a show about a show and not have a single Jew on the fictitious writing staff? [Peter Hyman]
• If someone says they have more than enough time to read every word of every issue of the New Yorker, they're lying and should be smacked. For the realists, try a condensed version of articles presented in haiku. [Drunken Volcano]
• Nearly 10% of New York men who say they are "straight" are dipping in the secret shame of assfucking. Of that number, almost 70% are married and 100% are in complete denial. [NYDN]
• It would seem that Anna Nicole Smith's son Daniel died of a fatal drug combination, likely involving prescription drugs. Or not. The crew down in the Bahamas is too busy fighting with the press to take a good look at the body. [TMZ]
• The assistant to the EIC of Architectual Digest starts a video blog, in which she'll tell us how to find good design despite, like her, being 25, on a budget, and living in a shoebox. Solution number one: buy a $6000 storage unit. Sigh. And to think, this poor girl probably isn't getting paid one penny extra for the humiliation. [AD]
• American Apparel sets up camp in the epicenter of retro sexiness and legwarmers, the...Flatiron District. [The Real Estate]
• Are you Middle Eastern or Asian? Do you like movies? Then you're in luck, because the CIA wants to indoctrinate you. [Salon]
• Tara Reid decides to have her breast implants removed, and Time Warner decides to have her latest "film" go direct to download. Hardly a coincidence. Without the boobs, she's just a human boda bag. [Defamer]

So, unless you lack caller ID or you are a candidate's family member, you're probably unaware that tomorrow is primary day here in New York. Ben Smith of the News takes note of a mail-out from Noach Dear, the former City Councilman so beloved by his colleagues. In an attempt to make sure that black folks in his district don't remember who he is when they vote for State Senate, Dear's promotional material changes his name to the slightly-less-Jewish sounding "Noah."

Because of an editing error, an article on Saturday about Shawn Green, a right fielder for the Mets who is a source of pride to his fellow Jews, misstated the population of Jews in New York City. It is about one million, not two million.

NEW YORK (AP) — Saying he's "as Jewish as a matzo ball or kosher salami," Jackie Mason filed a lawsuit against Jews for Jesus for using his name and likeness in a pamphlet.