OK, it's almost 2 p.m. on the Friday before Christmas. Time to do some last-minute shopping and head home, right? Maybe not. Traffic sucks even more than on most holiday weekends, thanks to an accident on 580 in Oakland. If you don't have one of those fancy GPS units that automatically updates you with the latest traffic reports, you can check Traffic.com before you leave work, or dial 511 from your cell once you're on the road. Oh wait, never mind! "We are currently experiencing technical difficulties on the 511 Phone System. We are working to solve the problem and apologize for any inconvenience." The worst part about sitting in traffic? Robert Scoble doesn't do podcasts, only video streams, so you can't keep yourself entertained with that. Here's our suggestion: drop "Here Comes Another Bubble" on your iPod before you head out. Catchy! And at least the lyrics are original! (Photo by AP/Ric Francis)

sparkly-crap mobile circuit-board garbage gizmo mass-produced by machines that stole jobs from nonunionized workers who stole jobs from the natives. I want a Nintendo Wii.
biosphere-destroying violent imagery consumer electronics death monster truly represents the future of technology Wii DJ Bluetooth just another thing with built-in obsolescence consigning it to an unknowable half-life as indigestible silicon shards. It sucks when great future innovations are doomed to become garbage. Donating to cool charities and supporting local artists is something you should be doing all year. capitalist juggernaut. Annalee Newitz is a surly media nerd.

It's been a long-running suggestion that California secede from the United States. But barring a massive tectonic rift, the Cali shows no signs of jumping from its comfy perch. San Francisco has taken matters into its own hands, however, and quietly declared that it's not just a city and a county — it's a country, too. Just like he did with gay weddings three years ago, newly reelected and always hunky dictator-for-life Gavin Newsom was keen to make the shift go by unnoticed. One American patriot spotted the change on her tax bill. The jig's up, Newsom. (Photo by g-na)

Cisco says its office's new cubicle-free design promotes efficiency, increases group work productivity, and makes the environment more pleasant. Which makes the redesign seem like a really good idea. Until you hear about the whole back-and-neck injuries thing.

Stuck at work? Sorry to hear it. Valleywag's working a full day, so we'll keep you entertained. In fact, if you were thinking about leaving early to beat traffic, you might as well just stay at your desk. The Bay Area's major escape routes, 580-E towards Livermore and 101-N in Marin, are already clogged with Thanksgiving traffic.

So I walk into the Apple Store at 10 a.m., and there's already a 90-minute wait for repairs at the Genius Bar. I spend the next hour commiserating with another writer with a broken Mac, as whiny iPhone owners and WAAHHHHH IPOD NO PLAY students hog the line. Yes, I friggin' know that if I had spent another $100 on an Apple ProCare account and scheduled an appointment ahead of time and blah blah blah mwah mwah — give it a rest, iJerks. My Pro account had expired without so much as a warning email. What I really want is a separate service line for those of us with real, work-stopping computer problems so we needn't sit and watch those of you with bricked vanity phones because you tried some trick off Gizmodo.

I won't reveal the name of the very senior technology editor who assured me this morning that Valley tech companies would "mostly be closing at 1 p.m." for Thanksgiving. What bank do you work at, I asked him? We're cranking it out as usual today, freed from the demands of East Coast colleagues who've taken off early. Dude, we moved out here to get away from our families. Have fun with that.

You think you have it rough, little cube farmer? Try working at Valleywag. We ragged on egoblogger Robert Scoble when he became a fan of himself so it's only fair that we do the same to the Valleywag — my boss, Owen Thomas. I hate Facebook spammers, and he's become one. Next thing you know he'll be buying some bulldogs and filming himself driving down the highway. *shudder* I quit. I'm going to go work for Boutin at Wired or WSJ or wherever he's slacking off today.

Valleywag emeritard Nick Denton forced us all to join Facebook. I guess he's afraid of the recruiters who troll LinkedIn. Wanna see what Facebook looks like? Full-length screengrab of my supposedly professional Silicon Valley/media network after the jump.

I'm not going to make one of those crying videos, but as Valleywag's Very Special Correspondent (read: over the hill) I need to stomp a heel down. Why are we reporting that two people I've never heard of were reportedly touching each other in public? I had to look up who Mullenweg is. I think we use his software. Or we did, or we're going to, or something. Anyway, he's from Houston. That means he infuriates San Franciscans merely by existing, which makes him cool with me. The lady in question turns out to be the PR genius who emailed me the most ridiculous embargo demand ever. That backfired perfectly, so everybody won. Commenters say we shouldn't print this rumor 'cause it's cruel. Worse than that, it's dull. Call me back when one of them runs Google and films a three-way on the Boeing. (Photo by True Ventures)

God bless the USA. For once, the U.S. government is outregulating those silly-socialist Eurocrats. While our laws continue to forbid mobile phone calls from airplanes — despite the fact there's no safety reason to so — the EU is about to let the airlines decide for themselves. Letting the market decide what to do? Euroblasphemy. Airlines have also let the market decide to crush airline passengers' will to live with delays, cramped seats and prices. That next trip to the Valley? So cancelled. The thought of hearing you wantrepreneurs rehearsing your VC pitch nonstop for five hours makes me want to slit my carpal-tunneled wrists. (Photo by theGteam)

"Honestly? You really, really think that's how it will go? In that case, can I punch you? Please? I mean, I only ask because you seem like the type of person who'd ponder the question and then just blurt out 'Yes,' and I've been dying to hit something since I pressed '1' to join your conference." Feed your anger at stupid clients by reading this list, "An unordered list of thoughts I had during a conference call with a potential client today," by Joe the Peacock.

Even in the California-nice cubicles of Silicon Valley, the end of the quarter brings shouty bosses, bursting blood vessels, and migraines. And when the end of the quarter falls on a Friday, it's especially rough: Clients have a way of making themselves scarce right as you're trying to close a deal. Add to that stress the ennui of the inevitable corporate kumbaya sessions, like Yahoo's management meeting today. It's enough to launch anyone into desk rage. So let us know — is your boss looking ready to explode? Or is the office eerily quiet — the calm before a layoff storm? Drop us a line and let us know what we can expect from the next round of quarterly earnings. We don't want to have to wait for the SEC filings to find out. (Graphic by CNN.com)

MISSION DISTRICT, SAN FRANCISCO — Unless you've been hiding under a rock, you know that the world's most anticipated game of all time, Halo 3, launched Monday at midnight. The New York Times wrote about it, ferchrissakes. I was forced to spend an entire evening listening to my roommate disintegrate friends and foes with the Spartan laser through our shared wall. TORTURE! I hate standing in line at launch events, so like an idiot, preordered the game through Amazon.com. It's scheduled to arrive tomorrow. All I can think about is finishing the fight. Honestly, who actually cares about tawdry Valley business matters at a time like this? And then ... then visitors arrived. And my life, unbelievably, got worse.

BLACK ROCK CITY — We had a wee tiny, itty-bitty hardly-worth-mentioning dust storm yesterday. There was a moment when we could not see twenty feet across the street to the neighboring camp due to the whiteout conditions. The total lack of visual stimulation forced us to imbibe playa margaritas (a "playa" margarita because we used tasty, tasty Gatorade instead of lemon juice). The great thing about playa margaritas? The mixer rehydrates you as fast as the alcohol dehydrates you. Pretty soon, the packaging on the Spam Singles that someone had brought to camp was uproariously funny. We made it through the crisis just fine, never fear.

Peter Shankman — "CEO, entrepreneur, adventurist" — is a blogger and publicist running The Geek Factory, a NYC boutique PR and marketing firm. Shankman likes to think "a little more 'out there.'" He's "out there" all right. Shankman wakes up really, really early. I mean, disgustingly early. The publicist/blogger didn't always like mornings, and he knows it's insane, "but to be up and working this early has so many advantages," says Shankman. It also has its disadvantages.

The Internet is boring. Even the most interested/interesting man I know, artist and dandy Jonathan Grubb, is bored with it in eight ways. (Granted, he's also super-excited; the man equivocates like he's running for president.) Grubb's insidery analysis speaks to those embedded in the dot-com industry, but here's a wider view of why the Internet is boring, starting with the pinnacle of mediocrity called LOLCats.

Welcome to San Jose Airport. Just arrived in the Valley? Oh my, then you still believe all sorts of things you're not supposed to! Here, tell me what role you're filling — startupper, venture capitalist, designer, programmer, business developer, or cynic — and I'll tell you what you need to think you know.

"The slovenliness of our language makes it easier for us to have foolish thoughts," said George Orwell in "Politics and the English Language." Thank God the man never worked in tech. Starting with the recently abused "conversation," here are five words that signal bullshit in corpspeak.