NICK DOUGLAS — I'm not talking about Modest Mouse, those sellout rocker bastards, or Spiderman's transformation from comic-book king of the nerds to disappointing third movie. I mean all the things that separated indie tech geeks from the computer-using masses, or at least let us walk around smugly chanting "Think different," have lost that lean and hungry look. Favorites like Firefox or viral video are bloated, exploited, or overrun with morons. Let's kiss the corpses.

NICK DOUGLAS — After Valleywag canned me as editor in November, I talked to a half-dozen editors and writers from as many respected newspapers and magazines. Several discussed writing positions that I would have killed for the year before. Why did I turn them all down and go back to blogging? Well, first because the SF Chronicle won't let me come to the office in a necktie and boxers. But also because print journalism about the Internet is as pathetic as a two-legged leprous puppy, and half as healthy.

NICK DOUGLAS — To everyone who was "there for the first bubble," let me speak on behalf of those of us who weren't (and those who were and don't need to keep yammering about it. We get it. You're old and experienced and SO OVER this retro fad called making money off the Internet. Now shut up and let us make some.

NICK DOUGLAS — TechCrunch acquired FuckedCompany, eh? Ha...ha? As Anil Dash said one year ago, "Your April Fool's Day joke sucks." Sure, kudos to TechCrunch for exploiting some timing, but what website hasn't run a press release on April 1 announcing a fake merger or a radical change of focus? But the problem with celebrating April Fool's Day online isn't just the three or so tired jokes. It's that on the Internet, every day is April Fool's Day. This is the world of flying penis attacks, cartoons on the backs of business cards, and cops raiding a camboy's house. April Fool's Day does to the Internet what Valentine's Day does to love: tarts it up, fakes it out, and leaves us disappointed. So put down your ironic press release, pick your own day for fun, and go raise some real hell.