Nine ways the Internet is truly boring
The Internet is boring. Even the most interested/interesting man I know, artist and dandy Jonathan Grubb, is bored with it in eight ways. (Granted, he's also super-excited; the man equivocates like he's running for president.) Grubb's insidery analysis speaks to those embedded in the dot-com industry, but here's a wider view of why the Internet is boring, starting with the pinnacle of mediocrity called LOLCats.
1. LOLCats
"Those ladies who work at the reception desk in your office, they might be sharing these lolcats with their friends." — David McRaney, Wall Street Journal
Equals:
2. Prom Queen
"Five girls will be nominated for Prom Queen, but only one of them will win. And on Prom Night, something terrible will happen." That's the plot of the would-be successor to LonelyGirl15, the indie series that launched with very little backing under guise of nonfiction, achieving an impressive stature as the first mainstream web-based narrative series. Prom Queen, hailed by some of the stupider media outlets as a guaranteed Internet blockbuster and LonelyGirl's heir, is a stale series which makes none of its predecessor's innovations and has none of its charm.
Unfortunately, the show is representative of where "New Media" money is going. Clever ventures that fund and promote good online content are struggling to survive. VH1 canned the promising network Acceptable.TV; many online shows like Clark and Michael (starring Arrested Development actor Michael Cera) made failed bids for TV before giving up altogether.
Yep, the future of online video looks like this:
3. Twitter
Twitter messages are frequent and boring, but not as frequent and boring as articles about how Twitter messages are frequent and boring.
4. Facebook
When I was in elementary school, there was one kid who spent all of recess dribbling a basketball, every day. He'd walk around, dribbling, doing nothing else. Everyone tried to get him to play freeze tag, or "Invade the Jungle Gym," or form a gang where everyone was named after an X-Man. And he was sick of all these frigging idiots and just wanted to dribble his ball. Well no matter how many people invite me to Bite Another Zombie, or Share My Movies, or Build a Super Friend Block Party, I just want to dribble my basketball.
Facebook is also a chance for all my high school friends to remind me how boring they are. Sorry, but if even I find you boring — and I spend all day building my Netflix queue and cleaning lint off of my body — then don't try to reconnect with me after six years.
5. YouTube comments
They're pathetic. See also: Digg comments, MySpace comments, and #3.
6. The computerized pleasure palace
Thanks to the Internet, I have a list of every film I want to see (thanks, Netflix); all the music I like and should like (thanks, Last.FM) and free copies thereof (Bittorrent and Limewire); every book I want for under ten bucks (Amazon, natch); beautiful photos of my friends (Flickr); fifty ways to reach my friends (AIM, e-mail, Skype, Facebook, Pownce, Hallmark E-cards, probably some sort of telegraph-by-web); and a form to fill out for local pizza delivery (I won't tell you or you'll clog up the system). I can also order an Ikea cushion for my sore ass.
7. Mobile sites
In case I'm away from the computer, I can still Be Efficient by using mobile sites to do half of what I normally want to do, at half the speed. When I walk down the street with my iPod on and my hands wrapped around my phone, it's like I'm in a computer game and everyone else is an enemy toadstool. Last week I jumped on a homeless person.
8. Webcomics
Not everyone will get this; it's a specialized condition, like an allergy. But for those of you that have it, clicking one of these links means you'll spend ten hours of your next week reading the entire archive of a webcomic: Dinosaur Comics, Dresden Codak, Achewood, Scary Go Round, Thinkin Lincoln, Wondermark
9. Anything you can do, I can do better
Nick Douglas writes at Valleywag, Too Much Nick, and Look Shiny. He's writing a sitcom about a startup.
