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Welcome to San Jose Airport. Just arrived in the Valley? Oh my, then you still believe all sorts of things you're not supposed to! Here, tell me what role you're filling — startupper, venture capitalist, designer, programmer, business developer, or cynic — and I'll tell you what you need to think you know.

Startupper
 You live in an exciting time, just like the investors told you! And right now you own 80% of what you do with that exciting time. That big VC at the convention imparted some pithy wisdom just to you — well, to you and all the people watching him review your idea before you've actually implemented it — about how bubbles don't necessarily have to pop, and how it's good that you have competitors doing things more cheaply, because that shows there's a market but it also shows you're the only one going big — and oh the glory of it all!

Man, you are so glad you didn't take that job at Google! Well, you're glad it didn't end up working out! Well, you're damn glad they turned you down halfway through the interview process! Actually, if you think about it, you weren't trying hard, because inside you knew that working at Google would be just another boring Silicon Valley job, with boring free food and the boring association with the most buzzed-about world-changing company. You don't need them, you'll start your own Google! You prefer to compare yourself to eBay, of course, but their stock isn't doing too well these last couple of years.


Venture Capitalist
 Oh the glory of youth! Not your youth of course, as you have the wisdom of advanced years, but the youth of the cherubic startuppers you've funded, especially that cute boyish one — actually, you guess he technically is a boy — who listened to your explanation of the ever-expanding bubble, which should probably be a chapter in your book, "Great to Greater."

Yes, those boys — and girls, thanks to your requisite appearance at the "Women 2.0" conference, mustn't forget the ladies, rah rah for equality and such — will grow up into strapping mogul men, and they'll thank you for your guidance with rides in the corporate jet. Of course, with your cut of their money, you'll have your own jet, but you'll be kind to them like Superman's dad to Superman. Hey, that'd make a neat chapter header, "Superman's Dad."


Designer
 Oh my god, look at the world around you! I know, isn't it so...tacky? The human race should know better, and it's your responsibility to tell them. Dear lord, that barber should know better than to use Mistral in a sign! This sandwich shop has got to be kidding about the Comic Sans on these menus! Oh. My. God. Clip-art. Ew, who would walk in that ugly building? Your design expertise gives you license to criticize everything you can look at (and a few things you can touch), whether it was made by an architect, Microsoft Publisher, or a branch of the military.

Oh, you're working in UI? Then remember to also criticize every "experience" you have. This car hood is too long! This teapot heats up too fast! These stairs are awkward! Who designed this freaking city with all these hills?


Programmer
 You're a guy, right? Now believe that all other programmers are guys as well. Women don't use Digg and Slashdot like you, and they don't have the analytical skills needed to program. Women are designers.

What? You're a girl? Hahaha, that's a cute joke. So seriously, if you can pick a color scheme for this web page, that'd be great.

Project managers are teh suck. Those without leet coder skills don't deserve to lord it over you. Those with skills...please. If they were so good at programming, they'd be down in the trenches with you! There's no way they'd take the job with more power and higher pay if they really loved programming like you do.

You already know this, but the programming language you use is the best. Except for the one you're learning, and you practically know that one already.


Business developer
 What a happy world, full of possibilities! All these people at this party like you! They're taken by your striped shirt, which is subtly different from the seven others in the room. That shirt helps your already hefty credibility as you make deals.

Okay, "deals." But these press-release-only agreements are starting strategic partnerships that will pay off in the long run. The points you're earning in startup equity will pay off as well; why, 0.75% of a hundred million dollars is $750,000! That number means something, kind of! At least it means as much as the statistics you've cobbled together. Just leave it to the developers to do all the fiddly stuff like making the product, the marketers will sell it, and you'll bring it all together! You're important, you're the guy in the middle! The mighty middleman!


Cynic
 Everyone's a freaking idiot here. Don't they know it'll all go to waste? The bubble, even if it's the size of just one failed dot-com from the 90s, will explode any day now. YouTube will never find a buye— okay, that was luck right there, that was a foolish move on Google's part to— okay, that was Google that turned a profit there, the exception that proves the rule. After all, for every YouTube there's a failed story like Friendster or that idiotic MySpa— okay, MySpace was a fluke too and Rupert Murdoch just wanted a toy. And they'll never turn a profi— hey, a Google deal worth three times the buyout price is just ludicrous, if Google keeps pulling this shit their stock will never hit five hund— GOD DAMN IT.


Nick Douglas writes for Valleywag and Look Shiny. Damn, that was a lot of exclamation marks.