• Want to buy Playboy? Mail a check for $300 million to Hugh Hefner. [NYP]
• A look at the "highlights, lowlights and sidelights" from upfront week. [NYT]
• The Cannes Film Festival didn't stir up as much buzz as in years past, although industry types are hoping/praying that the worst is over. [WSJ]
• Tyra Banks will have 12 hours of airtime a week on the CW this fall; if she "gets hit by a car this year, the CW will have to go out of business." [NYP]
• Bruce will be the last act at Giants Stadium before it's demolished. [AP]
• T+L's new pro-travel ad campaign suggests people "please go away." [WWD]
• Vintage Books is promoting Netherland with a blurb by Barack Obama. [NYO]
• Jon Peters' tell-all about Hollywood sure sounds interesting! [DHD]

• Did Beyoncé really send a look-alike to stand in for her at an art museum in Vienna so she could go shopping instead? That's what many Austrians seem to think, and the museum now says it plans to issue a protest. And here we were thinking decoy body doubles were just for presidents and mafia kingpins. [AFP]
• James Gandolfini erupted at a group of paparazzi outside the Waverly Inn the other night. Fortunately—for the drama-loving masses, at least—they kept their cameras on during the episode and it was all caught on tape. [TMZ]
• Real-life roommates Chace Crawford and Ed Westwick might be splitting up, since Chace is reportedly looking for a loft of his own downtown. [P6]
• Mel Gibson and Russian singer Oksana Grigorieva made their first public appearance together last night at an X-Men screening in LA. [People]
• Strippers at Sapphire East's opening were supposedly told not to take their clothes off until after Samantha Ronson finished her set, since she's "so girl-crazy, she can't concentrate." [P6]

Marc Jacobs has several reasons to celebrate today. In addition to his recent engagement, he'll also be blowing out 46 candles on his birthday cake today. Others marking the big day: NBC chief Jeff Zucker is 44. Hugh Hefner turns 83. Cynthia Nixon is 43. Leighton Meester is turning 23. Albert Hammond Jr. is turning 29. Joe Scarborough is 46. Porn queen Jenna Jameson is 35. Dennis Quaid turns 55. Fashion designer Martin Margiela is 52. Restaurateur Taavo Somer turns 36. Twilight actress Kristen Stewart is 19. Jesse McCartney turns 22. America's Next Top Model winner Yoanna House is 29. And former model-turned-ANTM judge Paulina Porizkova is 44.

In this perilous economy, would anyone leave a good living behind to assume a new position as Criss Angel's girlfriend?

• Bruce Wasserstein tied the knot with a "much younger Asian woman" two weekends ago, although details about the billionaire's new bride remain scarce. [P6]
• Alex Rodriguez is jealous and embarrassed that Madonna has been spending so much time with 22-year-old model Jesus Luz, since it makes him look like he got "dumped for a younger stud." [NYDN]
• The City's Jay Lyon—who was named Brent Tuhton until he changed it—has scored a record contract with Universal. [P6]
• Could Mark Badgley and James Mischka really be breaking up? Who is going to design our Oscar gown? [NYDN]

Well, this is no way to treat that nice old man who bought you some new knockers! Now that Girl Next Door Kendra Wilkinson has escaped, she's revealing all about Hugh Hefner—and their sex life.

Hugh Hefner spent some time last weekend recounting his Hollywood obsession for the LAT. Conspicuously missing from his list: Brett Ratner, who is likely to direct a Hefner biopic in the years ahead.

It looks like we'll have to think of a new idea for the Defamer Christmas card, because Hugh Hefner and his 19-year-old twin concubines have gone and stolen ours.

Though his sons may have grown up desensitized to monkeys and breasts, Playboy founder Hugh Hefner can still appreciate a good celebrity rack at the advanced age of 82.

Is there a teenage boy alive who can't appreciate the simple pleasures of face-kicking twin sisters or a menagerie of marsupials? There are two, in fact, and they are the teenage sons of Hugh Hefner.

Photo evidence has surfaced online (and since been removed) of a recent Hugh Hefner-hosted Playboy Mansion soirée: the always enchanting Mid-Autumn's Dress Like You Just Raided the Hustler Store With Your Grandfather's Black Card Party. And lest you worry that his small army of pneumatically enhanced arm candy serve purely decorative and/or walk-stabilizing functions, we invite you to scrutinize the photo above.In it, Hefner engages in a vigorous oral exploration of one of his guests (one of his bar-brawling twins?) while nearly smothering another couch-dweller to death (her sister?) in the process. According to the Oh No They Didn't contributor, whose friend is a Playboy model and took the photos, Hefner "'just grabs girls faces and kisses them, he's such a bitch' and 'he really is an old pervert' and that he smokes pot all the time and that 'all his girlfriends really do fuck him.'" Go, Hef! Below is a group photo, in which one model's attempt at using her cleavage as a human billboard doesn't go quite as planned. Still, we encourage all forms of out-of-the-bustier commerce during these trying times.

♦ Kim Cattrall and Sarah Jessica Parker are apparently incapable of getting along: A day after Kim confirmed that there will be Sex and the City sequel, Parker told fans "not to get their hopes up" and that "Kim is excited, but all the deals are not yet done." [Daily Star, People]
♦ It looks like spending time in court, soup kitchens, and sanitation departments hasn't helped Naomi Campbell much. She infuriated passengers on her flight back from London on Tuesday by cutting in line while going through customs at JFK. She swears it wasn't her fault because it was the airline that offered her an escort. [R&M]
♦ Ian Schrager is getting married next Saturday. The bride-to-be is a ballerina named Tania Wahlstedt. [P6]

Sure, Kendra Wilkinson's brand of well-endowed spunk might not go over so well with Tom Brady or Hugh Hefner's new, face-kicking twins, but this Girl Next Door alumna only has eyes for the man she's supposedly been seeing since August, football player Hank Baskett. Now, Baskett has popped the question, and only E!'s typically incomprehensible Ted Casablanca has the story of how it went down:

We usually think of bunnies as docile creatures, but there appears to be a pointy-eared showdown going down at Hugh Hefner's Playboy Mansion, where Hef's original Girls Next Door are being phased out for younger, more arrest-prone replacements. Though Hefner insists the split is amicable, founding bunny Kendra Wilkinson (perhaps emboldened by her recent hate-on for Tom Brady) has a different take on the matter, and she seethed on the record to E!.In a video interview conducted at the mansion's Halloween party (and out of sight from her publicist), a visibly tense Wilkinson interrupted one of the reporter's questions to state, "There will only be the original Girls Next Door. We built this show, and we worked our butts off to be here." Then, gritting her teeth, she added, "These girls are coming here afterwards, which I have no problem with, [but] we've made this for them. I would appreciate it if they would be a little more thankful." When pressed further, though, a suddenly circumspect Wilkinson froze and said, "I don't know if I can open my mouth anymore... Shh. It's a secret!" What girl-on-girl rivalries might be existing behind the scenes at the Playboy Mansion? And, most pressingly, do they involve pillow fights? Developing!

♦ Lydia Hearst, seen here attending a party last week, doesn't think her family's publishing company should be hosting parties these days. "It's time to work through this crisis, not party through it," she says. [P6]
♦ How are Madonna and Guy Ritchie coping with their split? Madonna has supposedly enrolled in anger management classes at the Kabbalah Center, while Guy has been out with Robert Downey Jr. and Jude Law. [The Sun, People]
♦ Elisabeth Hasselbeck is introducing Sarah Palin at a rally in Florida this weekend. [ET]
♦ A month after vacationing together in St. Tropez, Jennifer Lopez has asked Benny Medina to come back on as her manager. [Fox411]

Hugh Hefner is currently undergoing a transformation that bears all the signs of a late-life crisis; after all, he's traded in his young, blond, nubile girlfriends for younger, blonder, face-kicking twins. Sadly, despite the fact that Hef's new girlfriends are still teenaged, he's still not much for children, and ex-Girl Next Door Holly Madison says that it was her fruitless attempts to bear Hef's spawn that forced her to finally pack her frilly underthings and depart Holmby Hills:

Though it's been reported that Kendra Wilkinson is on her way out of Hugh Hefner's harem, there's one person that isn't getting into the Playboy Mansion under her watch, and that's footballer Tom Brady. One last night's episode of The Girls Next Door, Wilkinson was told that she'd have to wear the New England Patriot's jersey for a special charity flag football game, and the look of utter revulsion that passed across her face was impressive for a woman regularly tasked with resuscitating the 82-year-old Hefner's nether regions.It seems that San Diego native Wilkinson still hasn't forgiven Brady for beating her beloved Chargers in the AFC championship, and she'd rather go naked (a simple proposition!) then wear the number of the noted Gisele diddler. Lucky for Wilkinson, then, that the Chargers won't be playing the Philadelphia Eagles, where her rumored secret fiance Hank Baskett is a wide receiver. Meanwhile, we await the sports affiliations of brand-new Girls Next Door Karissa and Kristina Shannon, though we do hear that the twins are no strangers to "unnecessary roughness." [E!]

Playboy's presence in The House Bunny went a smidge beyond what most filmgoers would count as garden-variety product placement; the title and marketing materials alone conspicuously invoked Hugh Hefner's registered trademark, and the story — a model ousted from the Playboy Mansion finds redemption with a clan of sorority outcasts — made the magazine integral to its heroine's rich feminist empowerment. So what's a studio's going rate for that kind of feature-length exposure? Details are sketchy but surprising — especially with Playboy making the money — not the gang at Columbia Pictures.A report today in The Guardian points out what we suspected since seeing Hef's long-form commercial in August: The old man cashed in, not only on the use of his brand but also while playing himself as a bereft mogul caught up in the conspiracy that expelled Anna Faris's upbeat Shelly from Eden in the first place. For an undisclosed sum, Hef lent Playboy, the mansion, his girlfriends and his pajamaed self to the producers; in exchange, the studio got the verisimilitude of an authentic break-up inside the 82-year-old's plush redoubt. At least they thought it would be authentic; that centerfold bargaining chip probably won't be enough to entice Holly Madison back to his bed. But hey, close enough. Memo to studios: For a better bang for your buck, next time consult Defamer first. In terms of drama, brand and cheap nudity, trust us — we can swim grotto laps around Playboy.

Almost overnight, the new season of The Girls Next Door has turned into a must-watch; first, we learned that Hugh Hefner had replaced his three bunnies with 19-year old twins Karissa and Kristina Shannon, then it was revealed that both girls had a criminal record stemming from a beer bottle attack on their Wing House coworker. However, even more twin malfeasance has now been revealed by TMZ: when not engaging in psuedo-incestuous relationships with each other, Karissa likes to kick Kristina in the face! Priceless details from the arrest report (filed Nov. 5 of last year), after the jump:

After an existential crisis that left him splayed on his four-poster bed, deserted but for his Viagra and ennui, Hugh Hefner is finally bouncing back with the help of nubile, 19-year-old twins Kristina and Karissa Shannon. The duo's semi-incestuous sister act should help Hef fill the hole left by the wayward Girls Next Door who have abandoned him, but should he still hold a grudge against Holly, Kendra, and Bridget, he's in luck: the twins aren't afraid to beat a bitch down, and they have the record to prove it!According to TMZ, both sisters were arrested earlier this year for felony aggravated battery in the decidedly non-Holmby Hills locale of St. Petersburg, Florida. What exactly transpired in this bunny-on-bunny-on-civilian crime? Says the website: