Haven't you always wanted to party at the Playboy Mansion? You probably can! Just know there is "a powerful whiff of urine" mingling with a "general scent of decay," according to Playboy founder Hugh Hefner's ex Izabella St James.

84-year-old Hugh Hefner is getting married to 24-year-old girlfriend Crystal Harris and, according to the old man's Twitter account: "This is the happiest Christmas weekend in memory." So that basically means it's the happiest Christmas since last Christmas, right?

In this clip, Tron: Legacy star Michael Sheen hilariously explains his feet-escapades to Craig Ferguson. Sheen and the Late Late Show host go on to talk more about the Playboy Mansion, spit, vodka, and more.

It's been months since Hugh Hefner launched a buyout bid for the Playboy empire, only to be outbid by the owners of Penthouse. Hefner's in precarious position: he controls the company. But his bid sucks. And he needs cash, bad.

Indonesian Playboy publisher Erwin Arnada, who was sentenced to two years in jail for public indecency, turned himself in to authorities after he was due to surrender in August. All this trouble and the magazine didn't even show boobs.

Playboy has launched a SFW website aimed at "those who are bored at work."

In your arousing Monday media column: Hugh Hefner wants to take Playboy private, new media editors at the NYT, Bill Hemmer's lies don't fool anyone, and screwed freelancers will not be screwed forever.

The land around the Hollywood sign was going to be turned into luxury estates if someone didn't buy the 138-acre parcel first. A conservation group has now raised the cash. Who was the last-minute donor? The founder of Playboy, naturally.

Joel McHale and company would never let Hugh Hefner's birthday slide under their radar. This original short includes the actual E! voice-over guy and illustrates what many think about Hugh's girlfriends and partying... in relation to his old age.

Now we know where Hef draws the line. Asked whether Kate Gosselin would be welcome in Playboy, Hugh Hefner reportedly shrieked, "No! No!" and "I don't think she's a celebrity." This from the guy who gave us Kendra Wilkinson. [E!]

• The Jay Leno Show ends its run tonight. It was actually scheduled to conclude on Thursday, but NBC moved it up to tonight to take advantage of the lead-in from The Biggest Loser. Make of that what you will. [NYT]
• Ellen DeGeneres takes Paula Abdul's seat on American Idol tonight. [LAT]
• The second season of Jersey Shore will be set in one of the few places in America that's cheesier than the Jersey Shore: South Beach. [Movieline]
• Were CNN's ratings so lousy last week that it sent Anderson Cooper and Sanjay Gupta back to Haiti in the hopes it would give the network a boost? Hey, it's a theory! (And from CNN's co-founder and former CEO, no less.) [HP]
• A Playboy shareholder has filed a class action lawsuit against the company, claiming Hugh Hefner's been sabotaging efforts to sell the company. [TMZ]
• Sports Illustrated's Swimsuit issue has been unveiled. It's the issue that keeps the lights turned on at SI, as you probably could have guessed. [MW]
• The White Stripes are kind of ticked off that the U.S. Air Force used one of its songs in a commercial that aired during the Super Bowl. [NYT]
• A Sopranos-themed musical is not coming to Broadway. Reassuring! [NYM]

• Did Hugh Hefner abandon a deal to sell Playboy because he insisted he be allowed to live at the Playboy Mansion until he dies? That's the rumor. [PC]
• CNN will finish 2009 behind MSNBC, which is a first. How is it that CNN chief Jon Klein still has a job? Ask Jeff Bewkes if you bump into him, please. [NYT]
• Daily Intel has a list of the latest layoffs at the New York Times. [NYM]
• Roy Disney, nephew of Walt and former top Disney exec, is dead at 79. [NYT]
• The war between the Times and Wall Street Journal continues apace. [NYO]
• The Journal is boosting circulation of its glossy quarterly, WSJ. [WWD]
• Pressure's on! Jim Cameron's $300 mil. Avatar debuts this weekend. [THR]
• Two of Hollywood's big PR firms, BNC and PMK, have joined forces. [AdAge]
• Teen Vogue editor Amy Astley is making a cameo on Gossip Girl. [WWD]
• Painful truths: Your boyfriend secretly loves soft-rock, Celine Dion. [NYT]
• Time's 2009 "Person of the Year" is Fed chair Ben Bernanke. Yawn. [Time]

Heh is the overwhelming sentiment one can read every time the Times gets cocky. And by cocky, I mean: talking about penises. In this instance, it's talking about one of the oldest, most famous media penises still alive: Hugh Hefner's.

Ashley Dupre is ready for redemption! It's been a year and a half since she became the girl who took down luv gov Eliot Spitzer, and now she tells the Post she's looking forward to love, marriage, and becoming a baby mama. But let's face it: the girl hasn't always been so lucky with men. (In fairness to her, meeting an upstanding guy when you're in the escort business has got to be tough.) But since she's starting over with a clean slate these days, we thought she should start off with a fresh start romantically, too. Herewith, a list of potential suitors for the escort-turned-budding-singer.

Demi Moore won't respond to the British Prime Minister's wife. Victoria Beckham won't respond to questions about her tits. And Hugh Hefner doesn't respond well to his wife's infidelity. Oh, yes, it's your Thursday morning Gossip Roundup!

As any Master of the Universe can tell you, the key to success is an ability to multi-task. And to always be talking into a phone so you look busy and important, especially when hot girls are around.

• Are Kate Hudson and Alex Rodriguez engaged? The actress was spotted wearing a big diamond on her ring finger this week, which means "either A-Rod is making it official, or Ms. Hudson made some very careless jewelry choices." [NYDN]
• It's the battle of the Bravo reality TV stars on Twitter: Bethenny Frankel says Rachel Zoe is "self-important." Zoe claims Frankel is "insane" and "desperate for attention." Of course, you may find it hard to take sides here, since both of them seem to be making perfectly valid points about one another. [NYDN, Jezebel]
• Poor Gwyneth Paltrow suffered a little wardrobe malfunction while going through security at the Barcelona airport yesterday. [Sun]

• Lindsay Lohan's troubles continue: Last week, the cell phone she left behind at a bodega in NYC prompted her to call the cops; now the police in LA are investigating a break-in at her Hollywood Hills home, which her family now says may have been an inside job. [People, TMZ, NYP]
• David Blaine's magic skills have turned a bit rusty. Although he was told not to go swimming in the ocean on account of Hurricane Bill, he jumped in the water at Necox Beach in Watermill anyway. And instead of magically transporting himself to safety, a couple of lifeguards had to go and rescue him and a few of his friends. [NYP]
• Ryan Jenkins, the reality show contestant wanted for murdering (and dismembering) his ex-wife, Playboy model Jasmine Fiore, was found dead of an apparent suicide yesterday. [AP, TMZ]

Brad and Angelina want to move to the Upper West Side, I'd prefer they didn't. Shirley Jones wants to get naked; same. Piven's a perv, Shatner's sad, Paul McCartney sucks, Stevie Wonder does blow! Here's your Sunday Morning Gossip Roundup:

• It looks like it's over for Paris Hilton and boyfriend Doug Reinhardt. Please excuse us while we go get a big box of tissues; we really weren't mentally prepared for news this upsetting this morning. [People, Sun]
• A couple of weeks ago, it was Gwynnie Paltrow who was getting blamed for setting A-Rod up with Kate Hudson. Now real estate "superagent" Adam Modlin is taking credit for brokering the transaction. Go figure. [NYDN]
• Maybe Kanye West and Amber Rose didn't break up, after all. Or maybe they did break up, but they're spending a lot of time together anyway? It's a mystery, really. [P6]
• Coco Rocha is not going to be an intern at Vogue this summer. She's just spending a lot of time there so she can "learn more about the business." [WWD]