Is there a teenage boy alive who can't appreciate the simple pleasures of face-kicking twin sisters or a menagerie of marsupials? There are two, in fact, and they are the teenage sons of Hugh Hefner.

Meet Marston (on the left) and Cooper (sitting) who have had their pleasure sensors dulled by growing up on the grounds of Hef's Holmby Hills estate, where their birthday cakes always had naked ladies inside and they were taught eighth grade algebra by a roaming peacock. The brothers tell their father's magazine how it's shaped their worldview:

"I'm not going to have multiple girlfriends — not at the same time," 18-year-old Marston Hefner says in the January issue of Playboy. "I can't imagine that."

His brother, 17-year-old Cooper Hefner, begs to differ.

"I can imagine doing that. I don't think it's an odd thing to do," he says. "You date around to try to find a connection with some girl." [...]

Cooper also says growing up in the Playboy mansion is overrated.

"They don't get it when you say, 'There's nothing to do there,'" he says. "But when you live here and come here every single day, you see the same things.

"Anybody else would be like, 'Let's go see monkeys!' But I don't want to see monkeys," he goes on. "I'd rather go bowling than play with monkeys."

Hugh Hefner, Defamer is calling you out: you are a terrible, irresponsible parent. How dare you let your sons grow up in an environment that has robbed them of the fun and natural discovery every teenage boy eventually goes through. We are speaking, of course, of watching monkeys, imitating their monkey sounds, and encouraging monkeys to throw their feces at other monkeys. Marston and Cooper, you grew up too fast, and for that, we are truly sorry.