Mr. Fed-Ex just came by with the most fantastic Christmas holiday gift from our friends at The Smoking Gun: a tasty bottle of Valerie Flame Hot Sauce (click to enlarge).

• Remember when Saturday Night Live was actually funny? We certainly do — those halcyon days bring tears to our eyes. This weekend's episode featured a "Lazy Sunday" rap was so fantastic, it might've saved the entire season. [SNL]
• We've realized now that Braunstein's been caught and Radar's folded, we've little to live blog for these days. Thankfully, Blackface Jesus keeps us afloat. [Craigslist]
• Holiday Link #1: Christmas just ain't white without a card from Brooklyn's own Women for Aryan Unity. [Alternet]
• Holiday Link #2: Build your own menorah, ladies! [TC]
• Holiday Link #3: At a loss for the perfect holiday sentiment? How about: "I wish you the worst tidings this holiday season. I hope Santa comes down your chimney, fucks you in the ass, and shits in your stocking." [The Muk Report]
• Holiday Link #4: Naturally, the billionaire media-mogul Jew would have to start his own front in the War on Christmas. [Jossip]

Our earlier report of Media Christmas at News Corp. prompted other Newsies to write in with their recollections of the evening:

The big News Corporation party was Friday night, including the staffs of the all the company's New York operations — folks from the Post and Fox News and Channel 5 and the sports nets and the movie company and everything else — and it took over the entire ballroom floor of the New York Hilton on Sixth Avenue. We went with a friend to the party last year and found it profoundly odd. According to some emailed reports we received today, last year was no exception.

It's the publicity department, which sent this card to the press:

But that's no reason to punish the puppy.

We've admitted before our fondness for the dark arts of karaoke. (Every now and then, after enough drinks and among the right people, your usually mild-mannered Gawker editors have been known to miraculously transmute into Bill Medley and Jennifer Warnes.) And so the Media Christmas event to which we were most looking forward was last night's singalong celebration for New York magazine.

• Ashlee Simpson is currently in a Tokyo hospital; the popster collapsed yesterday after her MTV Japan performance. The official line will likely be "exhaustion." Yeah, because trying to legitimately squeak out a note or two can really drain a girl. [Us Magazine]
• Did Mort Zuckerman pull the plug on Radar because the magazine refused to halt unflattering coverage of powerful suits like David Pecker and Mike Ovitz? Related: Is water wet? [Page Six]
• At the Church of Scientology's fundraiser for the New York Rescue Workers Detoxification Project (exhale), Tom Cruise schmoozed while Katie Holmes sang Christmas carols. If that's not a war against Christmas, nothing is. [R&M]
• Vanity Fair refuses to pay the legal fees for columnist Dominick Dunne, who was sued by Gary Condit after suggesting the congressman was responsible for the death of Chandra Levy. Understandably, lending cash to Dunne would've deeply cut into editor Graydon Carter's cigarette budget. [Page Six]
• Perhaps in an effort to make President W. seem normal, former prez Jimmy Carter tells GQ that he once used a woman in a trance to locate a downed plane. [Lowdown]

If you're not on the blast email list from The Jerusalem Post — and, jeez, why aren't you? — you're missing out on great spam like this:

It's exactly 15 days until New Year's Eve, and we're guessing you couldn't care less. We certainly couldn't. Like St. Patrick's Day, the 31st is a giant amateur hour, an excuse for wannabe-alcoholics to waste hundreds of dollars on an overcrowded, open bar, and don sparkly shirts that no God could ever have intended for them to wear. And after the ball drops and your night has officially reached its expected level of letdown, you can spend 75 minutes searching for a cab, only to finally hail a ride in a mobile vomit unit. Fun!

There's a big night of Media Christmas parties tonight, including the one we're perhaps most excited for: New York's karaoke party at Encore. (Though we wouldn't mind being invited for dinner at Ruth Reichl's, either, as is her Gourmet editorial staff is this evening.)

The amazing things is, this does not appear to be a joke:

[Click to enlarge.]

Above, quite possibly the perfect example of the Times gone wrong. This piece COULD be a totally great article, but we'd never know: We're not going to read anything with a hed like that.

• Thanks to the Daily Show, American Apparel becomes the latest victim in the War on Christmas. There's a holiday lesson to be learned here: When you sodomize a reindeer, nobody wins. [American Apparel]
• Fox News's Roger Friedman seems a bit too excited at how gay the Oscars are shaping up to be. [Fox411]
• The best thing about rare color photographs from the Depression? You can see how hard black folk worked, and yet managed to keep their nails matching their bandanas. You can thank the Library of Congress for that one. [Flickr via Vitamin Castercat]
• Even social drinkers have a hard time putting down the bottle. Tell us about it. [LAT]
• Elton John de-Gays his performance a bit by including a video of Pamela Anderson pole-dancing, but it's a bit too hetero for NBC. Nothing's ever good enough for these people. [E! Online]
• Somewhere in Brooklyn, someone has created a brothel with life-size dolls. We're so horrified, we don't even have a joke. [Craigslist]

• A few additions to the Big List, including Rodale tonight at Django. (Will Dave Zinczenko permit beer? So many carbs!) Full, updated list is after the jump.

Slate has a luverly little piece praising the genius of Rockefeller Center — how its simple, smart planning makes for the perfect urban center, its beautiful architecture lending itself to the "glory" of Christmas and whatnot.

We've received a few Media Christmas reports over the past few days, but nothing even comes close to this tale, from last night at Hiro:

For the first time in the 34-year history of Dick Clark's New Year's Rockin' Debacle, a singer will perform live from Times Square during the final minutes of 2005. It'd be an entertaining development, were that singer anyone but Mariah Carey.

• The Bad Santa display on East 18th Street is exactly why Christmas in New York is so fantastic and special. Now give us a bucket of Rudolph's blood! [FishbowlNY]
• It's a female face's worst nightmare, and a lonely vagina's dream come true: the mustache is making a comeback. [NYSun]
• CBS is in the midst of casting a reality-show pilot based around the Upper West Side's York Prep school. Think Laguna Beach, but too close for comfort. [NYM]
• A gay man is arrested for punching a cop. In a pot-kettle twist, the officer's name was Fagley. [Good as You]
• Having a substitute teacher was always a free day, but it's a definite party when the sub starts cutting rails. [USAT]
• Britney Spears fans, having a bit too much time on their hands, launch DivorceKevin.com. Next, her fans will teach the popster how to use the internet. [AdRants]
• LEOTARD! FANTASTIC! The Barbie! [Social Cavity]