I'm truly disappointed that after all this time, Phish Phans still cannot successfully conceal their stash. Cops confiscated $1.2 million in various drugs at three Phish shows in Virginia last weekend. Hide it, hippies!

Everyone in Britain is enraged that a third runway is being built at London's busiest airport, Heathrow. This will kill all their precious red squirrels, or something! So a protester tossed a bit of custard at a politician.

It's true: Barack Obama's new logo, to be stamped on all stimulus-funded projects, is "less fascist" than the militaristic New Deal logos of the 1930s. Our Stalinist dictator must present a hippie front!

CNN doesn't talk about Anderson Cooper's sexuality. The network and anchor have their reasons. Jane Velez-Mitchell at CNN's Headline News is taking a slightly more open approach.

Barack Obama is widely expected to appoint as drug czar Gil Kerlikowske, who as Seattle police chief focused on intervention and treatment over arrests for drug possession.

Hard to imagine, but try: Could the eco-hippies who published late green magazine Plenty be stiffing writers who contributed to its last issue? Environmental writers are starting to suspect so!

What do you get when you mix the potent trends of Russian oligarchs buying pop stars for private concerts and Kanye West getting booed? The funnest New Year's Eve story of awful 2008!

Oh, look, it's a self-described 1980s radical casually explaining how he turned our president-elect into a Black Panther who got, uh, "open minded" at "jazz concerts," hint hint.

Yes, deforestation is a terrible problem and may ruin the earth, but this is just a bit much. Members of the environmentalist group Earth First communed in the woods of North Carolina recently to scream and cry at the tops of their lungs for the brethren flora. Either that, or some hoaxers created a prank video to make Earth First look even whackier than it already has with its "tree sits" and such. I can't decide. Judge for yourself after the jump.

They're one of Hollywood's most glorious odd couples: pixie dream girl Natalie Portman and Manson-resembling folk singer Devendra Banhart. Still, despite the fact that Portman was game enough to appear as an octopus in one of Banhart's videos, she still can't seem to shake those naysayers clucking, "Is she really going out with him?" She is — and she's hardly the first fresh-scrubbed starlet to fall for a charming, soap-eschewing bohemian. With the help of Molly McAleer, we've put together a Top Ten list of the world's most loved-up hippie womanizers. Is it their devil-may-care facial hair, their free love attitudes, or their penchant for sharing necklaces that draws in Hollywood's most beautiful ingenues? Burn some incense and meditate on the subject — we'll be out back crafting a swingset made of hemp and spit.

John McCain used to totally love hanging out with reporters, back when he drove the Straight Talk Express, a giant party bus where the liberal press corps could smoke their hippie reefer weed and listen to old man MAVERICK tell hilarious stories about being tortured by "gooks." But now all the top journalists have abandoned McCain for the new cool kid, teen pop sensation Barack Obama, and so the Republican presidential candidate bitterly decided to only accept questions from angry people in wheelchairs and craven conservative bloggers. Here are the only two questions allowed during a July 1 campaign conference call, recorded by a reporter for progressive magazine Mother Jones (who will never be allowed to talk to or make eye contact with McCain, ever):

Assorted hippies at the Bonnaroo music festival booed Kanye West last week after his show started eight hours late, at 4:30 in the morning. YOU UNGRATEFUL HIPPIE BASTARDS. Did you think that Kanye West would stand by and allow negative articles about him to appear on Digg without STRIKING BACK on his blog with CAPITAL LETTERS AS WELL AS EXCLAMATION POINTS?!? Shows what you know, SQUID BRAINS!

Do you have a spacious home in NYC or Greenwich, CT? Why not share it free of charge with a married couple in their thirties from Sept. '08 through March '09 while they complete their masters in "Conscious Evolution"? Still not sold? "We are looking for a live-in or house-sitting opportunity in the NYC area while we complete our Masters Degree in Conscious Evolution. We'll care for your home while you are away, or we can live with you, in which case we'd be happy to share our fitness and coaching expertise. Beth and Alex are a married 30-something couple contributing as professional fitness/yoga/health/life coaches dedicated to raising awareness through movement, exercise, holistic health and relationships." Get to know your lovable new gurus a little better after the jump.

Has the Reverend Al Sharpton been on a bicycle at any point in the last 20 years? Or ever in his life? Whether he has or hasn't, he's joining tonight's Critical Mass protest, the monthly traffic-blocking mass bike ride that (full disclosure!) we've ridden in ourselves, though not in New York, because in New York they round everyone up and throw them in jail. Oh, here's the thing: it's a protest of the NYPD's policy of not giving a shit about anyone's civil rights, and Sharpton is attending it with Nicole Paultre-Bell, the fiancee of Sean Bell, the man the NYPD shot 50 times for no goddamn reason. "Although the degree of abuse is clearly different," Critical Mass organizers write (NO SHIT), "the message of the groups is clear;" we all hate cops! Full press release below. (It reveals that Sharpton will be riding in a pedicab.)

The blow-dried, plastic smile-bearing Fox 5 reporter asks Jared Crystal what happened. Jared, the very cultural opposite of the reporter in his ponytail and "Republicans For Voldemort" T-shirt, explains that he was simply sitting in his car, reading 1984—an ordinary night—when a tree limb came crashing down! A scary situation! The reporter grimaces at the disheveled man with the disastrous car. "Reading 1984, and look what it got you!" the reporter says. "Next time read something more easy and calm!" Jared graciously blames Arbor Day, rather than punching the reporter in the face. Click to watch the underlying tension of the media's culture war in action.

For reasons utterly unknown to your non-fashion mag-reading day editor, Elle has a lengthy feature this month about "Anna," the FBI agent provocateur (in the COINTELPRO sense, not the lingerie sense) who brow-beat some lazy, unemployed pot-smoking self-proclaimed "anarchists" into planning a mild act of terrorism they didn't actually have the resources or intelligence to pull off. The story is a largely sympathetic interview with "Anna" ("The car stank of body odor and sweat, thanks to the extremists rejection of regular bathing and hygeine products.... Vicks VapoRub, which Anna routinely dabbed inside her nose, made it barely tolerable."), who rented the would-be bombers a cabin and bought them bomb-making supplies and provided them with bomb-making plans and demanded they stick to the fucking plan the night they all decided they'd rather smoke pot and make pasta. If it sounds like we're condoning either terrorism or lack of personal hygiene, well, entrapment makes us queasier than hippie stink. Now the ringleader of the The Collective That Couldn't Shoot Straight faces 20 years in prison. So let's all make like anarchists and insert these little culture-jammy 'retractions' into copies of Elle! That'll help, right? Sigh.

Tomorrow is 4/20, when dirty hippies, stoners, burnouts, and all of my friends celebrate their precious, precious weed. But how much do you really know about this deadly commie herb? Did you know that in 19th century Nepal it was harvested by naked dudes running through the flowering fields until they were all sticky and then they'd have the goo scraped from their naked nakedness to make hash? Well, did you?!

Are dirty hippies and anti-war wusses breaking up your awesome conservative circle-jerk? Well now you have something funny to scream at them! Former George W. Bush bag man and current Fox News talker Karl Rove was giving a speech at George Washington University Friday when some students held up a sign reading "WAR CRIMINAL" and started trying to shout down the pudgy master of evil. Ho-hum. But as they were being escorted out by security, some Right Wing funsters got up a chant of "Tase 'Em! Tase 'Em!" You know, coz that one guy said, "Don't tase me, bro"? Video after the jump.

Apparently at 1:08 a.m. EDT tomorrow morning (the solstice, for all you non-hippies out there) everyone on the planet is supposed to rub one out in order to "effect positive change in the energy field of the Earth through input of the largest possible instantaneous surge of human biological, mental and spiritual energy." So go easy on the boozing and drugs tonight! You wouldn't want to end up responsible for harshing the Earth's buzz by being unable to "surge" your "spiritual energy."[Global Orgasm via Nerve]

Hippies are going up to people on the street and handing them scraps of paper! It is highly annoying. This sample was obtained yesterday; some fella approached and extended the paper, and did not seem to be selling anything else in particular besides free fucking love.