Allow us to explain something as clearly as possible to kids these days, because we, the internet, are essentially your parents now: college isn't supposed to be "fun" for you, any more. That was the privilege of every previous generation. Not you. Considering the economy's collapse and the the truly terrifying levels of student debt assumption necessary to buying a college degree these days, you're expected to choose a major that pays. "Exploring intellectual horizons" and all that horseshit was for others. Not you. See?

Hip hop culture is a very deserving field of study. Rap lyrics are some of the most powerful popular poetry of the past three decades. Studying rap music in a classroom is kind of a drag compared to studying rap music, say, in a car full of weed smoke, but hey, it's not the worst thing you could do in a classroom.

Earlier this year, Catholic University president John Garvey vowed to get rid of co-ed dorms, lest his school further descend into the depths of liquor-soaked "nun and priest"-themed heterosexual orgies. Is mere sexxxual segregation enough to tame the devilish sexxx hormones of sexxxy young sexxx-crazed students at the very peak of their sexxxuality?

As the dying middle class sees its children swallowed by the student debt bubble as they desperately take out loans to afford college degrees from their likely substandard schools, it's worth remembering the fact that the vast majority of college students in this country are part-timers who will never graduate. You'll never guess how much money we're wasting on remedial English classes! From the LA Times:

Reporting live from the wavering edge of the Student Loan Bubble: congratulations, collectively impoverished college students and recent graduates losing hope week by week! You've managed to achieve what many pointy-headed "Economics" professors might have called "inadvisable" or even "insane:" the highest student loan debt levels ever recorded. Huzzah!

America's finest colleges and America's finest corporations aren't all that different: they're both sitting on huge piles of cash, complaining about the economy, and soaking you, the consumer, for all you're worth. Simultaneously!

Earlier this week, the University of New Hampshire announced that it would be banning the sale of energy drinks on campus, in order to "keep its students safe." From energy, presumably. Shortest-lived dumb college banning ever!

Seton Hall in New Jersey is a pretty okay school, if you judge schools based on the historical performance of their basketball teams (as I do). And now, Seton Hall has a special bonus deal: smart person discount!

Since everyone in America aged 17-29 smartly decided to "wait out the recession" by enrolling in college—a magical fantasy land which temporarily makes your lack of purpose in life disappear—it stands to reason that college graduation rates would also be rising, right? All those motivated young go-getters just raring to acquire skills with which to grab the world by the throat, and eat it? Right? No.

Are you "rational" when it comes to thinking about college? Hey, get real, jerk. Of course not. Whether you're a parent or a college-bound student, your brain is little more than a mishmash of various glossy college brochure stock photos and loan rate percentages that you can't even calculate. I hope you're not a math major, you irrational fool.

Yesterday, we brought you the story of Sarah Grunfeld, the 22 year-old student at York University who ran out and publicly accused her (Jewish) sociology professor of anti-Semitism when he said the phrase "Jews should be sterilized"—as an example of a bad opinion. Grunfeld's reasoning: "The words, ‘Jews should be sterilized' still came out of his mouth, so regardless of the context I still think that's pretty serious."

Kids these days should be thankful to even get accepted into a community college, what with the parents of kids these days having so little money to donate to the endowments of Ivy League universities. Unfortunately for kids these days, community colleges these days are way more crappy than expensive colleges these days. Sucks to be poor these days!

Cameron Johnston is a professor of social sciences at York University in Canada. He is Jewish. But the bad part is, he's also a Nazi! Fire him at once! Wait... what did he say?

In Portland, Oregon, one parent's bright idea and several years of planning and government grants had made the REAL Prep Charter Academy—a high school with a recording and arts program based in hip hop culture—a near reality. Do not insert easy joke here! The idea seems good. The execution was... embarrassing.

Perhaps you thought your freshman year would be one long debauchery festival featuring a few term papers here and there interspersed with copious amounts of alcohol, marijuana, ecstasy, hashish, hash oil, opium, ketamine, cocaine, GHB, DMT, DXM, LSD, salvia, amphetamine, methamphetamine, nitrous oxide, ayahuasca, ibogaine, peyote, and various distillations of regional hallucinogenic plants.

Want to be a teacher? Found out recently that you have to go to "college" to be a teacher? Upset at the high price of college? Looking for the cheapest possible way to be a teacher? Groupon!

Gabriel Elizondo (pictured) is a reporter who works for Al Jazeera. His current project: driving across America to "talk to people of all walks of life about the wide-ranging impact (or not) of 9/11 on American life." Sounds fishy.

It's a day of the year, which means it's time for an online media outlet to produce a listicle of colleges, ranked upon some wacky basis! The Daily Beast tries to cover every conceivable college listicle angle today—but they stop after ranking only the categories of Best International Schools, Best Party Schools, Most Beautiful, Happiest, Brainiacs, Activists, Best Food, Future CEOs, Artistic, Least Rigorous, Cheapest, Return on Investment, Most Rigorous, Free-Spirited, Horniest, Gay-Friendly, Best Weather, Computer Geeks, Accessible Professors, Future Politicians, Greenest, and Foreign Students.

Americans are smartening up and staying the hell away from school. We recently came to our senses and started avoiding law school. And now, we're avoiding fake colleges, as well. We'll make something of ourselves yet, fellow Americans!

For the past 25 years, John Schneider has been a tenured religion professor at Calvin College, a Christian school in Michigan. Not any more! Schneider has left his job because he didn't want to cause "harm and distraction" by pointing out the existence of science.