Most college freshmen only find it necessary to be mortified by their roommate, their room decorations, their dorm mates, the difficulty of the classes, their struggles with newfound freedom, their all-too-frequent intoxication, and the overwhelming sense of being a lost and anonymous soul in a brand new environment in which nobody loves them. Now, at least one school is working to ensure that they're also mortified by their own lack of physical fitness. Progress!

You may be resting in your dorm room, listening to your Beatles and smoking your "bong" pipe and composing your protest march folk song without a care in the world, secure in the knowledge that college degrees are kind of worth the money, more or less. But are they? Well, maybe not for you, hippie.

Film school is the journalism school of people who can't write. It's a place where kids with vague dreams of "making projects" go to chill out for a few years and learn that you should never call a "film" a "movie." Then they come out and get a shitty job for little money that pays them purely in proximity to power.

The US Department of Education has a handy new website that allows you to easily compare the prices of all types of colleges in America. Its real purpose is to keep us up-to-date on who to make fun of.

All that wailing against law schools by unemployed law school grads is finally paying off: law schools—like the wicked witch that is an imperfect but not altogether inappropriate metaphor for them—are melting, melting before your schadenfreude-laden eyes!

Is Catholic-filled Catholic University a "den of sin," infested with more STDs than your average koala bear? One can scarcely draw any other conclusion, based on the fact that the school's president now believes he must forcefully segregate students of opposite genders from one another, lest all this hot, hot sexxx continue unabated.

Sure, bleeding heart PC types killed a bill earlier this year that would have allowed guns on college campuses in Texas. Consolation prize: Texas is "close to enacting" a new bill that will give school teachers detailed criminal histories of all their students. Because you never know when the next six-year-old will shoot up the school, or which kid's birthday party is actually cover for a cockfighting ring. Down in Texas, the legislators are armed, the merest whiff of lawbreaking gets you jailed, and prisoners get put down like dogs. You never know when one of these public school kids might get brainwashed by a Muslim textbook and start some serious jee-had. If our teachers can't have guns, well, at least we can "arm" them with the precise knowledge of just how evil these felons-to-be lurking in their classroom are. And also, maybe arm them with a knife?

When we see stories like the one about a law school graduate plagiarizing his graduation speech, we ask ourselves, "What is it with kids today and their poor plagiarism skills?" The answer: their stupid teachers also have poor plagiarism skills.

Are you a college student who frequently detects political bias of one sort or another in your professors? Chances are, you're dumb.

Everything college kids these days do is wrong. They think wrong, they fucksaw wrong, and they take everything for granted. Thank god colleges are finally taking that in loco parentis crap seriously.

A new study—which will doubtlessly be oversimplified and distorted by liberal blogs like us in order to demonize those whose political beliefs we find repulsive—has found that Democratic professors grade like this ("I am a laid-back hippie"), while Republican professors grade like this ("All the black students fail!").

Preston Mitchum just graduated from North Carolina Central University's law school. He had the honor of giving a speech at graduation. Instead of writing his own speech, Preston decided to plagiarize the one above, that he found on YouTube.

You know who thinks college is a good deal? College presidents! You know who doesn't? Everyone else. Those are the (highly simplified and somewhat misleading) findings of the latest alarming survey about college—America's best new bubble!

Is teach pale, a beached whale? A new study out of the normally conscientious nation of Canada indicates that assistant professors in that peaceful nation's institutes of higher learning are woefully deficient in the "Fourth R": exercise.

We all know that college degrees are one big crap shoot, and some are pure wastes of time and money. Like a degree in "art," right? You're setting yourself up to be a starving artist, right? Wrong, maybe, somewhat!

Law school is a huge ripoff—a catch-all haven for slackers and the existentially aimless, where you'll go into a huge amount of debt in order to surround yourself with beer pong-players and cute little dogs, and emerge unemployable, with nothing to do with your worthless new skills except sue to try to get your law school tuition back. Now, we can add to that list: they'll bait-and-switch your ass out of scholarship money, on purpose!

Thomas Kinkade, of course, is America's greatest living artist; but Jon McNaughton is America's greatest living artist in the medium of Paintings of Jesus Surrounded by Historical Figures and Patriotic American Symbolism. And McNaughton's fighting the scourge of liberalism, again!

Kathy Vitzthum took her first class at Iowa State University in 1992. Just one class. She continued taking one class per semester, every semester, for the next 19 years, while working and raising a family. Next week—at the age of 48—she will finally graduate with a degree in accounting, fulfilling a promise that she made to her dying father more than a decade ago.

When you think "Texas universities," you think "places that are far, far too gay-friendly." And while the Texas legislature was unable to give college kids the right to carry guns on campus, it will be damned if it doesn't deal with this homos-in-college issue.

At the University of Iowa, a campus-wide email from the College Republicans touting their "Conservative Coming Out Week" (sample: "Conservatives in Iowa City it is now time to come out of the closet!") prompted one professor to Start a Dialogue: