You know all of those dumb jokes about how Herman Cain, former Godfather's Pizza CEO, just thinks about pizza all the time? Well here's Herman Cain himself making one of them 20 years ago at the Omaha Press Club. The difference is that his joke — a performance of John Lennon's commie song "Imagine" but with lyrics about pizza — is rather well plotted!
The great news about a Herman Cain presidency is not just that we'd have a president who hates ever thinking about foreign policy. We'd also get his 9-9-9 tax plan, a cartoonishly regressive transfer of the tax burden to the lower and middle classes! Okay, even our Congress isn't dumb enough to pass this. But. This is what Herman Cain's running on, so why not check out some fancy reviews, hmm?
Yet another poll confirming Herman Cain's rise to the top of the presidential candidate pyramid has come out today. Public Policy Polling finds him securing 30% of the national primary vote in its monthly poll, a 22 percentage point gain from last month. What is going on here?
Back in August, talk show host Tavis Smiley and Princeton professor Cornel West embarked on an 11-state "poverty tour," footage from which is airing this week on Smiley's PBS program. The two men appeared on tonight's Factor (broadcast from Boston in front of an audience) for what was supposed to be a poverty-themed debate about everything from Occupy Wall Street to Herman Cain. But as you might expect given this is Bill O'Reilly's show we're talking about, the audience was treated to lots of finger-pointing and shouting instead. Here's video of the debate's meatiest moments.
The Republican party's latest affection in its presidential candidate speed-dating process, Herman Cain, is not and does not pretend to be this cycle's "foreign policy candidate." He doesn't want to be, and you can't make him! Instead, when quizzed about international relations, he will just mock his own lack of knowledge. That's his winning charm, maybe?
On The View yesterday, dark horse Republican candidate Herman Cain claimed homosexuality is a sin and that people choose to be gay. After he was challenged by Joy Behar, Cain said "Show me the science," apparently unaware of the fact it already exists. Even so, Stephen Colbert defended Cain on tonight's Report by proving he chose to be straight—just like he chose to be a right-handed white man.
We're nearing the part of the presidential campaign where Herman Cain was supposed to drop out and collect on his modest name recognition by going on a book tour. But something's gone terribly wrong: He's somehow the frontrunner, now? So he'll abandon his campaign for a month to go on a book tour anyway.
Insurgent presidential candidate Herman Cain took to the Sunday morning yakkfests yesterday to celebrate his total dominance over all things political and, on Fox News Sunday, flesh out his suggestion that 'Hail to the Chief' be tweaked a bit. How would you change it? asks host Chris Wallace. You'd make a HIP HOP version, right? Hmm. That's a "hmm," Chris Wallace.
Herman Cain has taken our and everyone else's snide "pizza man for president" jokes and stuffed them right in our fat faces! How? By having a week of political success, and at least briefly reaching the top tier of presidential candidates. He prefers to be called Sir President McWinning Pizza Man, now, please, thank you.
A strange report from early July about presidential candidate Herman Cain's troubles in Iowa mysteriously noted "swirling rumors between Cain's staff and volunteers in the Hawkeye State accusing each other of affairs, homosexuality and professional misconduct." And that was it! So what kind of gay shit was going down on the Cain Train? We're starting to learn.
The "Herman Cain Train" has derailed from its tracks, blown up, and brutally killed all the people inside. Meaning: Herman Cain is not likely to win the Republican presidential nomination! But since he's still running anyway, what should he talk about? How about impeaching Barack Obama, the red-meat throwers' ultimate expression of hitting rock bottom.
Republican presidential candidate and pizza magnate Herman Cain cited the inspiring words of a "poet" during his closing statement to Thursday night's presidential debate:
Jon Stewart opened The Daily Show tonight with a check on the fundraising successes (or failures) of the many Republicans vying to replace President Obama in 2012. From dead-in-the-water (or in the Tiffany showroom) Newt Gingrich to migraine-afflicted Michele Bachmann, video of Stewart's assessment is above.
Last we checked with Herman Cain, pizza magnate Republican presidential candidate, his campaign was falling apart amidst internal accusations of "affairs, homosexuality and professional misconduct." But like a deep-dish phoenix rising from the ashes of a brick oven, Cain is back with a bold message: No mosques!
A long-lost gospel album that presidential candidate Herman Cain to have recorded in 1996 has hit the Internet. This could prove to be Julian Assange's most consequential leak yet! Or maybe it was just an upload from a Daily Caller blogger. In any event, this is a great discovery for rare music collectors who've spent years, combing through seven continents, looking for this gem — a magnum opus which settles every doubt you ever had about the ability of music to inspire.
Presidential pizza man candidate Herman Cain has been having a mini-crisis amid his staffers — nowhere near the calamitous hilarity that's befallen Newt Gingrich, but bad enough for a couple of staffers in important states to quit their posts. What gives? Is the seat padding aboard the Cain Train a bit rough on the buttocks? For now, let's just blame the gays.
Presidential candidate Herman Cain is furious at "idiotic reporters" who mocked his line that he wouldn't sign any bills longer than three pages. He was exaggerating! He didn't actually mean three pages when he said, quote, "three pages." Why didn't, say, Jon Stewart understand this? Because he's racist, very very racist.
