Runner's high! Job vs. health! Sex vs. skinny! Cola cancer! Dwarf salvation! Crib mishaps! Geographic exercise aversion! Smoke-free hotels! And lap bands for the rest of us! It's your Thursday Health Watch, where we watch health—while choosing, poorly!

Birth control extortion! Female gay condoms! Plastic beating hearts! Frozen vegetables! Tap dancing! Fiber to live! Greasy teenagers! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—in what we consider a positive way!

Breast cancer shocker! Gum healthiness! Lonely exercising! Teen girl suicide! Young strokes! Egg cholesterol! Diet soda heart attack! Baby obesity! And L.A.'s official guide to ecstasy! It's your Wednesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—while rolling, in the official style!

Michelle Obama claims that President Obama hasn't smoked a cigarette in "almost a year." That's frightening news. If he hasn't been smoking while dealing with this Egyptian crisis, then something's wrong with him.

Experts who support the new health care law haven't been able to sway public opinion much with the drab language of health economics. So now they'll just make a comic book — sorry, graphic novel — about it and see if that does the trick. You love comic books and movies about comic books, don't you, America? Well just wait until the comic book ethos is applied to such sexy topics as risk pooling and the medical-loss ratio, by an MIT economist author!

Diet drug failure! Dogs sniff cancer! Tonsil weight gain! Fantasy camp aging! Workouts destroy marriage! HIV teen pregnancy! Nevada hates children! And table saws kill! It's your Wednesday Health Watch, where we watch your health.

Eating instructions! Stair running! Five Hour Energy! Ballet bodies! Polar bear workout! Polio elimination! Winter blues! Exercise brain! Diabetes everywhere! As well as racist doctors! It's your Monday Health Watch, where we watch your health—again and again, unsuccessfully!

Diet fads! Out of control kids! Food labels for dummies! Independent stomachs! Cancer vs. cancer! Old doctors! Killer pets! And smoke insinuating itself into your breasts! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—scolding, always!

Hot flashes! Poop eating! Shingles cure! Alcoholism medication! Alzheimer's test! Organ transplants! Smallpox preservation! Vaccine seizures! Cancer breastfeeding! And a little encouragement for the sexually promiscuous eating-disordered ladies! It's your Friday Health Watch, where we watch your health—yes, yours!

Depressed college kids! Depressed video game kids! Depressed adults! Depressed B12! Depressed tooth decay! Depressed ginger! Depressed surgeons! Depressed ladies! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—quite happily, thank you!

Fever benefits! Zicam problems! Chemo hair preservation! Oxytocin limits! Flu vaccines! Obesity costs! Mental illness wackjobs! Fluid colds! And screen hypnosis death! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—as if you have any left!

Paul Mason, formerly the world's fattest man, says he is suing the British National Health Service because he was sent to a dietitian and not an eating disorder specialist. Conservatives will trot him out to fight ObamaCare any day now.

Fat babies! European fake cigarettes! Brain-blaming! Japan-tic Chantix antics! Yoga boozing! Cancer tests! Druggy weight loss drugs! And dumb god anger! It's your Monday Health Watch, where we watch your health—while ordering toddlers to assume the push-up position!

Here's the annual article pointing out that Vitamin C and Echinacea won't prevent or reduce the symptoms of a cold. You'll have to suffer through it, take a day off, blow your nose, and watch daytime TV like everyone else.

Staph inequality! DNA play okay! Probiotic neurotics! Supplement spikers! Sickening food! Fearless women! Caffeine kids! Young anorexics! And heart disease news for the old-person demographic! It's your Thursday Health Watch, where we watch your health—with a little something extra!

Vitamin sleep! Radiation babies! Sugar cereal! Fat Scots! Hotel workouts! Soda tax! Alzheimer's explanations! And the war on drugs pays off! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—if you can call it that!

Discount drugs! Energy drinks! Capitol Hill junk food! Cancer moneymakers! Meditation depression! Food allergies! Youth sports fat! Baby thumb fat! Soldier fat! It's your Wednesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—dipped in Icy Hot, furiously skipping rope!

Obesity surgery! Overweight death! Diabetic exercise! Medvedev pull ups! McDonald's health care! DC water! Prostate drugs! Fish oil eyes! Miscarriage hearts! And deaf smoke! It's your Thursday Health Watch, where we watch your health—in stereo-o-oh!

Baby radiation! Benadryl doom! AIDS pill! Boomer sex! Large 'n lovely! Birth defects! Attitude gratitude! Youth strength! Salt intake! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—with unrestrained glee, and that's not a teevee show!

No Darvon! Airport smoking! Lou Gehrig's disease! Gym grunting! Flu shots! Racewalking! Nigerian curses! And mental illness is a call to arms! It's your Friday Health Watch, where we watch your health—while hallucinating and self-medicating in a nonstop cycle!