Miner diet! Nutrition labels! Hispanic lifespan! Diet clothes! Broken backs! Dope drugs! And walking minds! It's your Thursday health watch, where we watch your health—and chew gum, simultaneously!

  • Want to eat healthy and stay fit in this fast-paced modern society? Fall down a mine shaft, then have a team of doctors send down a scientifically prepared diet every day. We're pretty sure that's your only hope.
  • Now the health nags are saying that nutrition labels should go on the front of food, and they should highlight all the bad things like sugar, salt, fat, and taste. As long as the labels are made of butter, we support this.
  • Guess what, whitey? Hispanics live longer than white people or black people, despite the fact that they have many more widespread health issues. Some researchers think the key to their long life is lying about their age. Seriously.
  • What should you wear when you're on a diet? Spoiler: clothes. Yea. We thought it would be "a barrel carved out of the world's biggest zucchini," but nope. Clothes.
  • A new report says that—wait, can this be right?—"20 to 25 per cent of Caucasian women and men over 50 years of age have a current spinal fracture." Caucasians! No wonder you're not living long! Your back is literally broken, right now!
  • A new drug implant may be coming to market soon, which would help opiate addicts kick the habit. It "decreases drug cravings without producing the same high." The product's tentative name is "A coma-inducing whack on the noggin."
  • Oh look, walking is good for your brain. You know what else walking is good for? Human locomotion. Try it sometime. Jesus.

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