health-watch

Sun, Bugs, and Other Things That Will Kill You This Summer

Hamilton Nolan · 06/01/11 04:27PM

Gluten taste! Chronic fatigue! E. coli! Lady clots! Food symbols! Cilantro nastiness! Sun safety! And eluding mosquitoes with potions made of science! It's your Wednesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—hotly, of course!

Let's Just Keep This Smallpox Around, What Could Happen?

Hamilton Nolan · 05/24/11 04:41PM

Samurai workout! Kids sleeping! Plastic man-surgery! Lap teen-bands! Abortion fluctuations! Smallpox preservation! New aspirin! Disabled children! And the best sunscreens, revealed! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—dangerously!

There Are Not Bugs Crawling Under Your Skin, You're Just Crazy

Hamilton Nolan · 05/17/11 04:42PM

Beyond happiness! Dangerous hospitals! Depressed moms! Tinnitus findings! Morgellon's disease! Skin cancer! Binge drinking! Horse herpes! And coffee men for good prostate love! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—creepily!

Should We Start Taxing the Parents of Obese Kids?

Seth Abramovitch · 05/11/11 12:55AM

That the country's youth are plagued by an obesity epidemic is not up for dispute. But just how best to battle The Heavying of America is. There's Michelle Obama's straightforward, "Let's Move!" approach, which — let's face it — requires a lot of heavy lifting. But does it really address the problem? Not the children's inactivity and addiction to 2-liter bottles of Fanta — that's the symptom. I'm speaking of the problem: those completely out-to-lunch parents.

The Very Latest News About Semen

Hamilton Nolan · 05/09/11 04:10PM

Bubonic plague! Gay cancer! Autistic children! Chocolate milk! Head injuries! Newborn risk! Fat war! Sex aneurysm! And the very latest semen information! It's your Monday Health Watch, where we watch your health—to keep from crying!

Crazy People Make Crazy Soldiers, Says Science

Hamilton Nolan · 05/03/11 04:07PM

Diet food! Omega-3 death! Hormone gel! Sex health! Big belly! Fat dementia! Deadly tomatoes! Mental soldiers! And outta control asthma! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—no examinations necessary!

China So Mad It Can't Smoke on the Bus Any More

Hamilton Nolan · 04/29/11 04:10PM

Eye disease! Springtime anorexia! Food pathogens! Coca-Cola chemicals! Chinese smoking! Tall blood clots! Botox lawsuits! Teen drinking! And legal stem cell research, yeah! It's your Friday Health Watch, where we watch your health—while smoking!

Bureaucrats Are Coming to Steal Your Leftover Pills

Hamilton Nolan · 04/25/11 04:39PM

Pediatric socialists! E-cigarette regulation! Prostate testosterone! Antidepressant painkillers! Obese teens! Prescription take-backs! Young strokes! Natural allergies! And amazing acupuncture in Afghanistan! It's your Monday Health Watch, where we watch your health—with no regulation whatsoever!

Catholic Ladies All Taking Birth Control on the Sexy Sly

Hamilton Nolan · 04/14/11 04:34PM

Boner pills! Cellphone cancer! Hospital infections! Leukemia drugs! Stillborn babies! Diet memory! Bipolar celebrities! Stank medications! And sexxxy news from 'neath the robes of Catholic womendom! It's your Thursday Health Watch, where we watch your health—against god's wishes!

Kids These Days: More Drugs, Fewer Babies

Hamilton Nolan · 04/06/11 03:42PM

Estrogen risks! Sheep death! Synthetic drugs! Teen drugs! Teen sex! Facebook kidney! Berry cancer! Neck shocker! And your baby has an oddly-shaped head! It's your Wednesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—head-scratchingly!

Big Wet Balls Will Be the Last Thing You Ever Play With

Hamilton Nolan · 03/31/11 03:47PM

Saving smiles! Tainted IVs! Hep C! Water balls! Baby babble! No births! College hookups! And super secret squats! It's your Thursday Health Watch, where we watch your health—but just as a friend!

Adolescents Demand Special Doctors, Still Die

Hamilton Nolan · 03/29/11 02:00PM

Breakup pain! Men and doctors! Mommy medicine! Adolescent specialists! Dangerous dyes! Sleep weight loss! Death rate fluctuations! M.S. marijuana! And eating disorders of the olds! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—or, like, whatever!

Headaches: How Soon Will They Kill You?

Hamilton Nolan · 03/22/11 03:52PM

Sex dissatisfaction! Child car seats! Deadly headaches! Chronic fatigue! Radiation safety! Male facelifts! Fitness myths! Poison prevention! Trauma survival! And a hot new lupus update! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—with head-splitting authority!

Lots of Other Things Will Kill You Before the Radiation Does

Hamilton Nolan · 03/18/11 04:22PM

HIV testing! Fish eyes! Menthol guidelines! Dukan diet! Smoke cancer! Radiation risks! Fat marathon! Fecal stories! And wanton overconsumption of the devil salt! It's your Friday Health Watch, where we watch your health—leaving you no choice in the matter!

Cancer Makes Lupus Look Like Such a Wuss

Hamilton Nolan · 03/10/11 05:55PM

Mental game! Lupus drug! Elderly tech! Menopause needles! Cancer survivors! Cigarette sales! Tainted beef! Premature drugs! And the total crumbling of American healthcare! It's your Thursday Health Watch, where we watch your health—laughing, but really crying!

Now We Need Pacemakers for Our Tummies

Hamilton Nolan · 03/04/11 05:15PM

Sleep losers! Stomach pacemakers! Pork sloganeers! Cadmium poisoners! Cancer fallers! Food fighters! Proton inhibitors! Mite worriers! And puppy survivors! It's your Friday Health Watch, where we watch your health—with little to no equilibrium!

Science Proves: Happy Kids Die Young

Hamilton Nolan · 03/01/11 05:16PM

Child fever! Nicotine gum! Obesity docs! Baby times! Optimistic death! Lying teenagers! Running job! Women smoking! And menthol vindication! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—with a minimally acceptable level of competence!

Women Smell Like Manipulation

Hamilton Nolan · 02/22/11 05:17PM

Woman smells! Animal behavior! Old people brains! STD testing! Allergies forever! Oil cleanup health! Fat dogs! Fat surgery! From death to business! And other conventional wisdom! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—with ulterior motives!