Crazy People Make Crazy Soldiers, Says Science

Diet food! Omega-3 death! Hormone gel! Sex health! Big belly! Fat dementia! Deadly tomatoes! Mental soldiers! And outta control asthma! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—no examinations necessary!

• You can eat more food and still lose weight! As long as that "food" is cayenne pepper. Yeah. Fucking great, man.
• You've been out there getting your Omega-3's and everything just like they tell you to and now they come in and say that stuff will give you not just cancer, but "high-grade, aggressive prostate cancer." Well, you know what? Fuck you.
• So there's a new hormone gel that can drastically reduce the chance of premature birth, but here's the catch: you have to buy it and use it.
• Does sex make people healthier, or do healthier people have more sex? Either way: sex.
• Got a big belly? You also have a big heart risk. On top of the big belly, which you still have.
• And if you have a few extra pounds while you're middle-aged, you're way more likely to get dementia. Is there anything that fat can't do? Wonder drug!
• Grape tomatoes have salmonella!
• Turns out if you have mental problems before you go to war, you're more likely to have mental problems after you go to war. Great study, Beetle Bailey, just great. Get to filling those sandbags, you cur.
• Asthma rates in America are on the rise, according to the CDC. The cause: probably sucking on car exhaust pipes to "get high," would be my guess.