Bedbug death! Brain collection! Obesity drug! Depression stroke! Lung cancer! Sexxxy kids! Soup disease! Killer cantaloupe! And young people who think they're pret-ty damn clever! It's your Thursday Health Watch, where we watch your health—before you're ready!
Cancel tomorrow's date night at Olive Garden immediately! The Darden Restaurant Group, which runs fine dining boutiques Red Lobster, Olive Garden, and other strip-mall destinations is getting itself healthy with Michelle Obama's help. That just ruins everything.
Immune cancer! Alpha males! Child naps! Hospital sepsis! Kidney disease! Erectile cure! More diabetes! Designer drugs! And you won't want to miss today's fruit that will kill you! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—opioidally!
Drinky ladies! Fewer smokers! Cheaper hospitals! Zombie mutants! Frozen athletes! Gay health! Cancer survivors! Pregnant painkillers! And you don't need no blood thinner girl, you look fine! It's your Wednesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—relatively painlessly!
Depressercise! Eczema breasts! Sugar drinks! Dead babies! College smoking! Porn hiatus! Bird flu! Fat science! And all your tense sleep is making you tense, and sleepy! It's your Wednesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—invasively!
Killer vaccines! Sex-crazed kids! Lower cholesterol! Sickening papayas! Laundry cancer! Healthier milk! Brain scans! Marathon beer! And fatty fat babies who need a little shove in the right direction! It's your Thursday Health Watch, where we watch your health—dishonestly!
Menopause things! Cancer secrets! Exercise longevity! Teen sleepers! Prostate genes! Virus superdrug! Healthy obesity! Addiction breakthrough! And Alzheimer's patients demand pancakes! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—in an ultimately futile manner!
Vampire bats! Healthcare law! Medical tattoo! Stroke depression! Backward legs! Spice fat! Organic poultry Deer coli! And rampant death in Somalia is sad, for a second! It's your Friday Health Watch, where we watch your health—while sucking!
Triathlon danger! Heat death! Twin town! Crazy leaders! Spermless mosquitoes! Teen vaccines! Worthless soy! Old surgery! And the very latest way that you're killing your poor children! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—microscopically!
Alexander technique! HIV trends! Antidepressant popularity! Imaginary wrinkles! Expensive food! Sick ticks! Scorpion medicine! Elderly genes! And some very special research by scientist perv pornographers! It's your Thursday Health Watch, where we watch your health—maniacally!
Fertile China! Psychic dogs! Killer papaya! ADHD safety! Internet addiction! Breastfeeding asthma! Shrinking brains! Love psychology! And uncalled-for lizard posing! It's your Monday Health Watch, where we watch your health—out of sheer desperation!
Fish lead! Sperm coats! Bald hair! Tall cancer! Dissolving tobacco! Tortoise leg! Calorie counts! Lung damage! And the fatalistic approach to our own mortality! It's your Thursday Health Watch, where we watch your heath—soberly!
Football brain! Marijuana narcs! Mosquito booze! Grandparents driving! Children sleeping! Teens drinking! Pediatricians lecturing! Big forks! And killer homemade drinks that kill! It's your Monday Health Watch, where we watch your health—no-nonsensically!
Chantix doom! Colon cancer! Fetus drugs! Stem cells! Late talkers! The stroke belt! And women dropping dead at any moment! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—counterproductively!
Abortion bans! Mouse hemophilia! Diabetes growth! Botox alternative! HIV testing! Undercover patients! Drug warnings! Weight loss! And having AIDS just got a little harder! It's your Monday Health Watch, where we watch your health—dangerously!
Orrin nutrition! Vitamin ratings! Blackwell jetski! Olean o-fat! Loyalty benefits! Poison competition! Bulgarian method! Supreme diabetes! And MMA workout secrets of the stars! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—from the sidelines!
Oxy challenges! Dog watching! Jillian Michaels! School health-lunch! Sunscreen changes! Syphilis babies! Stroke prevention! Chantix problems! And people everywhere trying super workout programs! It's your Thursday Health Watch, where we watch your health—childishly!
Fat man surgery! Epilepsy drugs! Apple poison! DASH diet! Survival rates! Zany parenting! Pet allergies! Medication overdose! And breastfeeding because you love life! It's your Monday Health Watch, where we watch your health—voraciously!
Melanoma cure! Cancer treatment! Expensive drugs! Flaxseed fail! Risky gays! Wrinkle bones! Smoking bans! Swiss prostitution! And ER hang-out shocker! It's your Monday Health Watch, where we watch your health—pusillanimously!
