Gwyneth Paltrow carrying daughter Apple after lunch Da Silvano ... Howard Stern walking home from a workout with his daughter Ashley ... Agyness Deyn getting a drink at Liquiteria on Second Avenue ... Mary-Kate Olsen leaving her apartment in the West Village ... Hugh Jackman riding Razor scooters around the Village with his daughter Ava ... Kristen Johnson walking her dog downtown ... Michelle Williams kissing Spike Jonze on the sidewalk ... and Matthew Broderick walking to his birthday dinner at Gradisca on West 13th with Sarah Jessica Parker and their son James.

Finally, we have an all-encompassing, shrink-wrapped theory of Gladwellian cogency to account for everything malignant in our society, including the financial meltdown, Gwyneth Paltrow's Goop.com, Olivia Palermo's nasty attitude toward Whitney Port, the disaster wrought by Bernie Madoff, the unrepentance of aging philanderers, and Alex Rodriguez's photo spread in this month's Details (left). It's all because of narcissism!

• Carson Daly has two reasons to get wasted today: It's St. Patrick's Day, of course. Plus he and his girlfriend Siri Pinter are new parents, too. [People]
• Jon Stewart's secret weapon in his rumble with Jim Cramer last week? His brother, Larry Leibowitz, is a senior exec at NYSE Euronext. [P6]
• A judge recalled Lindsay Lohan's arrest warrant yesterday after seeing the proof that she hadn't stopped attending a court-ordered alcohol education class after all. Also: She hasn't checked into rehab again despite reports to the contrary. Not yet, at least. [NYDN, OK!]
• Natasha Richardson was hospitalized yesterday and is now in critical condition after a skiing accident in Montreal. [People]

Here's an unsettling ad campaign that will probably make it to NYC in the near future: A gym in the Netherlands configured a bus shelter so that the weight of the person sitting down on the bench is displayed for all to see. Painful, huh? But maybe this is the radical approach Gwyneth Paltrow should consider adopting given she's having so much trouble finding people to join her new gym in Tribeca? It's not like reminding the public at large that they're all fatter than her could do much more damage to her already battered reputation, could it? [Adfreak]

It looks like being Gwyneth Paltrow's bikini waxer has its benefits. Beautician Janea Padilha, who counts Paltrow, Sarah Jessica Parker, Uma Thurman and Lindsay Lohan as clients of her J Sisters salon on 57th Street, has signed a five-figure book deal with Perigree, an imprint of Penguin Books. Brazilian Sexy will give readers advice on "love, life, and being sexy," and Padilha says she'll "talk about what happens in the room where I work." Everything you wanted to know about Gwynnie's pubic hair situation: coming to a bookstore near you in 2010! [NYO]

• Lindsay Lohan certainly had an eventful weekend. After a judge issued a warrant for her arrest on Friday, Lindsay had a meltdown on Twitter and ended up in a fight with Sam Ronson that was so intense, the cops had to be called. It's not over yet: She's scheduled to appear in court today, although she may not show. [People, Gawker, TMZ, NYP]
• Olivia Palermo isn't making friends in her Tribeca apartment building. She strutted past the people gathered in the lobby last Thursday "completely oblivious" to the fact that one of the building's apartments was on fire. [P6]
• Gwyneth Paltrow and her trainer Tracy Anderson are having trouble finding people to pay $4,500 to join their new Tribeca gym. What a surprise. [P6]

Sunday morning brings the dawn in. I've got a restless feeling by my side. Oh, halo. It's the tabloids! Today, Lauren Conrad makes some unwise choices and Mr. Lohan makes an unwanted appearance. Read on.

[Gwyneth Paltrow arriving at a hotel in foggy Londontowne; image via Splash]

• It was clear that Michael Wolff was a bad husband and a bad boss. But now it looks like he's a lousy son, too. Wolff is being sued by his poor 85-year-old mother-in-law for trying to evict her from her one-bedroom apartment so he could sell it and collect a profit. [P6]
• Chris Brown appeared in court yesterday and was charged with assault and making criminal threats. He faces four years in state prison if convicted. [NYP, Us]
• Marc Anthony touched the leg of a woman other than JLo, which means he was either "flirting with danger" or just being nice to a "longtime friend." [Star]
• Just another typical Friday: Amy Winehouse has been charged with assault for punching a fan last year. [Reuters]

• A roundup of restaurants that may close in the near future if you don't do your part and patronize them. Like soon. Thanks for your cooperation. [CS]
• One thing to look forward at Keith McNally's revamped Minetta Tavern: A $26 Black Label burger that doesn't even come with fries. For shame! [TONY]
• Frank Bruni's thoughts on tipping: Never give less than 15% unless the service is "unequivocally dismal," but 17-18% if it's "above-average." [NYT]
• Speaking of tipping, ABC News's roundup of crappy celebrity tippers includes Madonna, Mariah, Gwyneth, and sushi addict Jeremy Piven. [ABC News]
• Tahini on Third Avenue has been closed by the Department of Health. [DBTH]
• Gordon Ramsay is having some money trouble, just so you know. [Gawker]
• Despite what the Times reported three weeks ago, going out to pricey lunches at places like Michael's and the Four Seasons is chic again. Yay. [AdAge]

We have a hard time believing that Fishsticks Paltrow is the offspring of Blythe Danner, who seems like a nice lady who doesn't take herself so seriously.

Gwyneth Paltrow ducking into an SUV in the financial district ... Jennifer Connelly and Paul Bettany walking with their son and dog... Alec Baldwin and Steve Buscemi shooting scenes for 30 Rock in Long Island City ... Keri Russell shopping with her husband ... Matthew Broderick opening a car door for son James outside their Village townhouse ... Katie Holmes carrying a stack of fashion magazines ... Kevin Kline standing on the set of The Extra Man ... and Jeremy Piven leaving the Cort Theatre on West 48th Street after seeing Your Welcome America.

A recap of the last few days in benefits and parties—including the Frick Collection's Young Fellows Ball, above—is after the jump.

• Get the welcome wagon ready: Jennifer Aniston may be moving to New York soon, both to be closer to John Mayer and because she's filming her next two movies here. [Fox 411]
• A bunch of people who attended Madonna, Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher's Oscars party at Guy Oseary's house ended up leaving early and heading over to the more popular Vanity Fair bash instead. Kate Winslet screamed "Wooo!" at everyone who congratulated her (and later tripped down a small set of steps), a tipsy Natalie Portman flirted with Twilight's Robert Pattinson, and Mick Jagger chatted up every woman that came within two feet of him. [P6, NYDN, E!, Mirror]
• Madonna looked conspicuously wrinkle-free while squiring Jesus Luz around LA last weekend and eventually ran into Sean Penn on Sunday night. After congratulating him on his Oscar win, he pointed in Luz's direction and replied, "Thanks. Another kid already?" [NYDN, DS, Sun]
• Nicky Hilton placed a homeless man under "citizen's arrest" after he pushed her on to the ground outside an IHOP. Seriously. [Us]

amfAR kicked off Fashion Week with a gala at Cipriani last night, where the long list of attendees included Donna Karan, Mary J. Blige (left), Anna Wintour, Calvin Klein, Rachel Zoe, Julia Restoin Roitfeld, Liza Minnelli, Candy Pratts Price, Robbie Myers, Jessica Stam, Lily Donaldson, Kenneth Cole, Stefano Tonchi, John Demsey, Stacy Bendet, Andrew Saffir and Daniel Benedict, Lisa Dennison, Terence Koh, Vito Schnabel, Noemi Lenoire, Harry Belafonte, Mary Alice Stephenson, Jennifer Creel, Natasha Richardson, Stanley Tucci, Taylor Momsen, Maggie Rizer, Doutzen Kroes, Robert Verdi, Mario Cantone, Eliza Dushku, Kipton Cronkite, Derek Blasberg, and Howard and Cindy Rachofsky. [PMc, Wireimage, WWD, NYO]

• Poor Gwynnie will have to brave V-Day alone, since Chris Martin's on tour and she's not sure what continent he's on. [NYDN]
• Chris Brown left Las Vegas yesterday, where he'd been holed up at the Hard Rock. He also updated his Facebook page, changing his status to single and writing, "You'll begin to see her true colors. Believe it!" [NYP, E!]
• Jesus Luz, Madonna's 22-year-old "special friend," is now into Kabbalah. [P6]
• Joaquin Phoenix is still running around town acting crazy; it's still unclear if he's drugged out of his mind or if it's just a big hoax. [NYDN]

We've already shared with you Joaquin Phoenix's flea-ridden performance art; now, onto the next chapter of Two Lovers' doomed PR assault, in which Gwyneth "Fuck the Haters!" Paltrow describes for Oprah her dieting regime.

[Gwyneth Paltrow at the New York premiere of her film "Joaquin's Last Stand"; image via Splash]

Madonna wishes Alex Rodriguez was crying on her shoulder. Meanwhile, a Los Angeles woman is offering her support to hundreds of thousands of traumatized Miley Cyrus victims.

The brutal Rihanna-Chris Brown spectacle got somehow worse, as did Miley Cyrus' racism scandal and the gossip about Gwyneth Paltrow's marriage. Must be Tuesday.