You might want to think twice before stopping by Alexis Stewart's apartment uninvited: The daughter of domestic diva Martha Stewart has a permit to keep a loaded gun at home, according to the Post. Other notable locals with gun licenses include David Wright and Carlos Delgado of the Mets, Robert De Niro, billionaire supermarket mogul John Catsimatidis, and Donald Trump. (Two of Trump's sons, Eric and Donald Jr., also have licenses to keep firearms at home; Ivanka Trump's apartment is gun-free.) But it's Alexis, who recently launched a new TV series on the Fine Living channel, who may have the creepiest explanation for why she feels the need to keep a gun in a lockbox in her TriBeCa apartment: She keeps it in case an emergency forces her to abandon the city and she has to euthanize her elderly dogs. "They could never make it out of Manhattan. I could never leave my dogs to die of thirst in my apartment, so I looked on it as a euthanasia situation. I would never kill my pets unless they were going to die anyway."

Is Sarah Palin merely a pawn for the powerful hunting industry, being used to lure in women to become the newest consumers in the sport's thrill kill cult? Well that would probably be an overstatement. But it is true that hunting interests have been recruiting women hardcore lately, and they're stepping up their big marketing push to ladies now that a fellow bloodthirsty vagina possessor has a shot at the White House. Turns out there's lots of money to be made on female hunters. And also lots of bad poetry! The number of men hunting has declined over the last decade, as humans move out of caves and into urban areas and find ways to distinguish themselves from Dick Cheney. So weapons manufacturers and their ilk are targeting women to pick up the slack. By offering them some dumb things like pink guns, which, savvy female hunters noted, was not very good camouflage. But Palin has been a hit:

This ridiculous gun-owning man whose voice sounds like Keith Olbermann's crappy Bill O'Reilly impression, is concerned that Obama will tax his guns and ammo, which has something to do with gas prices. Obama voted to ban deer-hunting ammunition! "Where is this guy from?" gun guy asks, in what is the single least subtle attempt to paint Obama as a Muslim foreigner ever. (Where is he from? Canada? Saudi Arabia?? San Francisco??) This is a real-life NRA ad that will run in Colorado and New Mexico. Our favorite part is the Dick Cheney-looking guy loading up a rifle as a fat kid stares at him. Enjoy your precious freedoms, assholes!

I am deeply concerned that my weekday colleagues are now in league with the monkey threat to civilization, as they conveniently ignored this disturbing report of chimps easily disarming humans in order-I am certain-to stock their burgeoning monkey army with firearms. "A chimp in Japan escaped the sweltering confines of his cage, and a zookeeper with a tranquilizer gun proved no match for this feisty animal. The zookeeper can be seen peeking his head and rifle over the ledge of the roof on which the chimp was resting before quickly crouching down, sensing the chimp had noticed him. The chimp pounced on the ledge, grabbing the barrel of the zookeeper's tranquilizer gun and snatching it away, leaving the poor human defenseless. Score one for the apes." Score one indeed. Terrifying video after the jump.

Got an illegal firearm sitting around the house? Good news: If you bring it to one of six churches this weekend, you'll earn yourself a $200 Chase gift card. No questions asked! Do note, though, that you can't simply waltz in with the gun in plain sight. To qualify, you'll need to wrap it up in a plastic or paper bag. Feel free to turn up with a rifle, handgun or a shotgun—they all qualify although BB guns will only earn you $20—and there's no need to remove the ammo: You can bring them loaded. And this unusual marketing arrangement is clearly a win-win for Jamie Dimon's notoriously aggressive JP Morgan Chase: Not only do illegal gun owners represent a valuable demo (all those ill-gotten stacks of $100 and no place to put them!), we also suspect fewer guns on the street also translates into fewer tellers with guns pointed in their direction.

UPDATE (11:31am): Looks like we've been pap'd! If only Ashton Kutcher could've come up with a ruse this elaborate, maybe Pop Fiction wouldn't have been unceremoniously dumped after 3 episodes. Instead, we got Audrina Patridge tattoos! Oh well, it was fun while it lasted...

Now that she's quite pregnant, 24's Mary Lynn Rajskub is doing what any red-blooded American mother would do-getting into firearms! As the adorable actress explains, "I have a family to protect." Video after the jump.

Spotted on Google Maps: a kid pointing a gun at a younger kid. (Okay, it's probably a toy gun.) What is it about Chicago? We've already seen a drug deal on the South Side and a girl flashing the camera in Homewood.

Former presidential candidate Mike Huckabee is a slick, smooth, charming guy. He would've been a dangerous nominee, because he's TV-friendly and quick-witted in a folksy, unthreatening way. But he's actually a rar-right nutcase. And sometimes his jokes fall flat. As in the clip above. If you can't get a laugh from telling a "someone is going to shoot Barack Obama" joke in a talk at the NRA then your delivery needs work, we say. Oh, also we say: wtf.

Ethiopia doesn't have the world's most sterling reputation. Many people think of "famine" and "drought" when the country's name is mentioned. But the Ethiopians are lucky, in the sense that Starbucks has forged a connection between the parched and war-torn nation in northern Africa and yuppie coffee swillers across America who just adore the subtle fruity undertones of the Ethiopian Yirgacheffe blend. So the country went to a branding firm to come up with a logo to stick on all of its coffee, to make people think of it as more of a luxury item. The logo is pictured. It looks like it should be in lime green on the side of can of a new and exotic type of energy drink. Instead, it's on the oldest energy drink ever. The kind that comes from Ethiopia (and is not qat)! We wish the country well in its yuppie-swindling mission, but we would have gone with a logo that's a little more cutting edge, with both hipster appeal and a strong connection to Ethiopian history. Like this:

Celebrity blogger Perez Hilton has revealed his inevitable-in-hindsight line of t-shirts and bags and shit. It's no surprise that he likes pink. Oh, and look! Edgy things like pistols and the words "Gossip Gangster" emblazoned on hoodies and t-shirts! Also, some sort of death kitten rainbow. Plus, of course, his name. Who doesn't want to tell the world, loud and proud, that they read Perez Hilton?? The line, to be sold at upscale Hot Topic stores across the nation, will surely be popular among angry anime girls and flood victims. Click after the jump for close-ups of some of the precious garments.

Palm Beach cops arrested 18-year-old Michael Alfinez for elder abuse after he filmed his possibly senile grandmother brandishing a pistol and saying things like "Palm Beach County, bitch." But where he really went wrong is not posting that comedy gold on YouTube (cops found the video during a traffic stop; she's pictured left in the ski mask). After all, if it's a funny web video it's not elder abuse! At least according to the six happy gun-shooting grannies below.

Here's something else for you to do this weekend: avoid getting murdered. New York City's murder rate this year is up by 26% compared to last year [NYDN]—and just in time for the NYPD to cut 1,000 officers! Far be it from us to advocate for more cops, but this seems like it might be a problem. The police department argues that regardless of the increase, it's still the second-lowest murder rate in the city's recorded history. Okay fine, but that might not last long with all those Michael Bloomberg-branded firearms for sale now. Below, a handy NYC crime report with weekly, monthly, and yearly perspectives. Now go buy your gun.

TMZ has video of the dunderhead who was waving a rifle on Kate Hudson's roof being arrested. Now you can stop sending us ALARMED EMAILS about the SNIPER.

The New York Police Department is issuing video iPods to members of its Police Academy to help them study for final exams. Might we also suggest a brief course in how to tell the difference, at 50 yards, between a shiny 80GB MP3 player and a shiny 9mm Glock? Friendly fire is so much less friendly than it sounds. [WNBC]
Related: New York Politicians Blast Proposed Counterterrorism Cuts [WNYC]

PAUL BOUTIN — Silicon Valley Congressman Tom Lantos, who represents the part of the Valley just south of Nancy Pelosi's turf, sports "San Francisco values." His Wikipedia page says he "supports gay marriage rights and marijuana for medical use, is a strong proponent of gun control and is adamantly pro-choice." Cool, Tom, except we need to talk about the guns. After the jump, a primer on the Valley's fully-armed form of political correctness — libertarianism.

We say this about pretty much every Alicia Colon column, but today's dispatch from the trenches of Lunatic City must really be read in its entirety so that you can appreciate the sheer insanity displayed therein. Alicia tackles the charged topic of gun control (SPOILER: she's agin' it) with her standard rhetorical method of support for her argument: interspersing one or two well-known historical events with anecdotal examples from her personal life.

Page Six shines an unforgiving interrogation room light on those Hollywood lefties too wracked with liberal guilt to admit they're packing heat. "J'accuse!" Joe Mantegna tells a Fade In reporter, probably from his j'acuzzi: