An employee from a "top six publisher" forwarded us a grotesque work of inadvertent humor: Always Judge a Book by Its Cover, a proposed memoir by noxious narcissist and career slut-shamer Nik Richie, founder of TheDirty.com. Updated.

Florence Henderson, who played Carol Brady on The Brady Bunch, is pushing her new memoir so naturally she felt the need to tell the world about the time she got crabs on a one-night stand. Back in the 60s, Henderson boned NYC mayor John Lindsay (both were married at the time), and he left her with a parting gift:

The prestigious Cannes advertising awards are underway, a celebration that involves everyone in that ad industry at the "VP" level or higher flying to Cannes on the company dime, doing lots of coke, and giving each other one hundred jillion awards, for being the most brilliant ad people who can afford to go to Cannes.

Under the headline "Women flock to take horse-semen shots," we learn from The Dominion Post that "apple-infused" horse jizz, or Hoihoi tatea, is "like custard" and is a hot item at a New Zealand restaurant called Green Man Pub. The horse semen, for which the restaurant pays $300 (NZ) for 20 vials, is part of a meal of Asian duck and spring rolls that the restaurant is entering into Monteith's Beer & Wild Food Challenge.

Police in Boulder are currently on the lookout for a man who was apparently hiding inside a porta-potty at last week's Hanuman Yoga Festival. Let that sink in for a second.

You should really stop doing cocaine. Not because it's addictive, or anything, but because it's likely laced with levamisole, a veterinary drug used for de-worming livestock, and it will make your flesh rot off.

Last week Dr. Oz showed America all the crap inside of his colon. Now The Doctors has provided us with the strangest poop demonstration we've ever seen, and, boy, have I seen some strange poop demonstrations.

The notorious meat dress Lady Gaga wore to the MTV Video Music Awards is going on display at the Rock 'N' Roll Hall of Fame this summer. Wait, it hasn't rotted yet? Will it have a special refrigerated case?

Police say 23-year-old Eric Carrier, of Hooksett, N.H., faked a brain injury in order to get his diaper changed by a nurse. Apparently, he placing an ad on Craigslist posing as the father of a brain-damaged son, luring an in-home nurse to his house so the nurse could "assess what type of care she needed to provide in the future."

An ice cream shop in Missouri has been asked to stop making cicada ice cream after the health department found out about it. It wasn't such a big concern for the store, though, since Sparky's Homemade Ice Cream sold out of its only batch of the nasty stuff the day it debuted.

Before suspected murderer and confirmed creep Joran van der Sloot allegedly killed 21-year-old Stephany Flores in Peru last year, he was tapped out from gambling and considered selling his services for some quick cash. The mad Dutchman was racking up debts with a hotel and "others," according to the National Enquirer. Things got so bad for van der Sloot that he allegedly wrote to a friend, "I'm in such a serious situation that I would prostitute myself in return for help."

Worried your computer repairman is a pervert? Here's a handy guide: If the software he installs suggests that take your laptop to the bathroom when you shower, he's probably using remote-controlled software to take pictures of you naked.

The director of schlocky torture porn film The Human Centipede, Tom Six, got a nice promotional boost for his follow up, The Human Centipede II, after the British Board of Film Classification refused to rate the film this week, effectively banning it in Britain. What happens in the sequel that offended the BBFC so much? It gets pretty meta, as the Guardian describes it — and it's gross:

There have been several Bernie Madoff auctions over the last couple of years, but one over the weekend in Florida was perhaps the creepiest. Items from Madoff's Palm Beach estate included leather chairs, books and a Rolex that brought in around $400,000. Someone even spent $200 on 14 pairs of Madoff's boxer shorts.

Today Oprah acolyte Dr. Oz showed his audience the results of his colonoscopy and it was freaking gross. Not only did Oz's doctor find a pre-cancerous polyp, he also found a colon was full of rice and lentils.

Mmm, Marmite. That yeasty, sticky tar that Brits love to put on toast. Just thinking about it makes your mouth water. But now, in fascist Denmark, Marmite trafficking is illegal due to its added minerals and vitamins. It seems that the Danish Ministry of Food, Agriculture and Fisheries is trying to make some extra cash from desperate British expats:

It's no secret that American Apparel founder Dov Charney can't keep it in his pants. He apparently can't keep it in his computer, either. Long ago, American Apparel experienced a gross security breach that is now the stuff of office legend.

Looking for new ways to stymy your appetite? Try the FDA's Food Defect Action Levels Handbook, a great new diet book guide for food distributors and inspectors. It details exactly how many maggots a comestible good may contain before it gets banned for "aesthetic" reasons, i.e., "being too icky."

The cliche about New York City is that the amount of time spent in transit means New Yorkers do in public things suburbanites might keep locked behind French doors. Like breaking up with your girlfriend, or cleaning your shoes with your tongue.

Hey, how about a totally unsubstantiated crazytown story, from the internet? It's about an advertising executive's penis! Oh, now you're interested. Well then, fine.