Don't call Glenn Beck crazy because of the crazy things he says because of the crazy things he believes. Call Glenn Beck crazy because he published a near-600 word manifesto about the importance of jeans for the American people.

Sometime ago, making fun of Glenn Beck's antics became boring, as most things do. But yesterday he went on Facebook, where all good and sound ideas begin, to announce his new women's fashion line—1791. Look at him, up there, staring off at good, honest American farmland. There are only whites here, he thinks to himself, his noble American ass robed in fine, riveted, American-made denim. Now you can give your ass the Beck treatment, with 1791 jeans.

In no point during his rambling post does he explain the significance of "1791"—perhaps it's a nod to the publication year of the Declaration of the Rights of Woman and the Female Citizen, or meant to honor the year the U.S. started diplomatic relations with Portugal. At any rate, it's fucking nuts, and a little more theatrical than most Facebook posts about pants. While reading this, it's best to imagine Beck delivering it as a speech on the scorched hull of a warship, rallying the last remaining Christians in a battle to retake the Evansville, Indiana Cracker Barrel, which serves as their capital:

Today I make good on a decade old promise to myself and my daughters.

Years ago when my oldest daughters were teenagers I would take them to the mall to buy new clothes.

I hated it. But not for the reason one might think.

I don't mind shopping with women for clothes. I love to see them dress up, try new things and see their eyes light up when they know "this is the one".

I could join the chorus of men and women who complain they can't find anything age appropriate or modest for their daughters.

But my trouble was not only that, mine stems from the fact that while growing up my daughter was a dress size SMALLER than America's most famous model and sex symbol Marilyn Monroe.

God forbid a designer makes anything cool that would fit her! Most American women are shaped like Norma Jean not the 12 year old boy shaped models covering the walls of the 'cool stores'.

As I wiped the quiet and hidden tears away store after store as she was told, "oh, no, it doesn't come in that size." I made myself a promise.

I wasn't famous or rich at the time, but I vowed if I ever had a chance I would start a fashion line that was cool, hip, and great quality that would come in sizes that would fit my Marilyn.

Today I make good on that promise. 1791 is proud to announce our new line of women's Denim. We begin with denim jacket and jeans.

[...]

I kind of think it is one of those fundamental God given rights. To feel pretty.

Because you are.

As we grow so will our selection and sizes because it is time we celebrate real diversity. After all, God made us different colors, shapes and sizes.

That's a lot. That's a lot to read about jeans. You probably weren't expecting to read a jeans manifesto today that also invokes God. So these jeans... these jeans really better deliver. There's a lot on the line here, before God and his wife and daughters. "God forbid a designer makes anything cool that would fit her," Beck warns. Will Glenn Beck defy God himself?

The 1791 lineup of jeans designed for and accessible by the American everywoman starts at $150, and only goes up to a size 34 waist. Beck lamented that "Most American women are shaped like Norma Jean not the 12 year old boy shaped models covering the walls of the 'cool stores,'" and yet here are the bodies he's using to display his wares:

These are clothes that most Americans can't afford in sizes many Americans won't be able to fit into. The idea of marketing clothes for the hot "I'm afraid of everything that doesn't look like me" demo is a shrewd one in terms of absolute big-Dixie-balls-to-the-wall capitalism—the right loves to vote with its wallets. But instead it's the same bullshit brand-talk that's been a liberal bulwark for a long time now:

We are about a lifestyle and we cling to a simple philosophy, that life is better when the stuff around us, and the people in our lives, are real, and when they are simple. We at 1791 are dreamers, dreamers that are just silly enough to believe that we are all capable of becoming the people we were born to be. And we believe that 1791 can help us get there by reminding us of what is real. All of our clothes are of the highest quality and are made in the USA. We insist on holding ourselves to this most high standard because our clothes are made to be used, to be worked in, and to last. Because life is not disposable and our lives are meant to be full, full of hard work, full of love, laughter, and sometimes even sorrow.

1791 now can go beyond providing you with clothes; it can provide you with the tools to lead a full life. From the football you throw to your son on a Saturday, to the wool blanket you wrap around your wife, sitting next to her by the fire, whether it is on the couch on a cold winter night or under the stars in the mountains. We are striving to provide you with the highest quality goods for all aspects of your life. Because it is the well-worn axe lying next to your woodpile, your kitchen table marked with water rings, and your most loved jeans that show the adventures that tell the story of your life.

Among many other overpriced items, Glenn Beck will sell you an ax for $200:

Glenn Beck will sell you organic beard oil for $12:

Glenn Beck will sell you a silver coin commemorating the extinct American factory worker who lost his job because of free trade and anti-union policies enacted by politicians elected by Glenn Beck fans for $150:

For $180 you can buy a single basketball and remind yourself of what once made America great:

Life is better when the stuff around us, and the people in our lives, are real, and when they are simple, says Glenn Beck's branding consultant, which is why you should buy this $895 framed morse code diagram (PLEASE note shipping is $5 extra):

This all looks like things from a Brooklyn boutique, not Heartlandcore. It's enough to make you think Glenn Beck is really full of it!

Contact the author at biddle@gawker.com.
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